Posts
Went to Watmough Bay with bro. Saw otter family
Monday, September 20, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
WTF is my problem?
In what ways do my ‘injuries’ from childhood still keep me from showing up? In what ways do they impact my life?
I talked to J about the dream in which she says she’s tired of being influenced by this old stuff. It’s ok for her or me to help others but when people try to love us or help us or even TOUCH us, we flinch a bit just because we were betrayed or injured as freaking children when we truly needed assistance or support. I still have that. I’m afraid that whoever it is will pull the rug out from under me at some point, they won’t be there for me when I need them. Eeesh. And who needs who here? What do I ‘need’? What is a ‘need’ that god won’t provide? He may kill me but that’s beside the point, He may allow me to be stabbed to death on a street corner, but that’s beside the point. Come ON! Get this!
Jesus. Sometimes this seems incredibly slow. I’m STILL protecting the fragile little egoic self! Someone might hurt my f*ing feelings! Oh. My. God!
I get that when the experience and the experiencer become one, when the experience is no longer filtered through the ego/mind that the rules of the game are very different. I’ve had moments in which I’ve experienced it. I understand that in order to get to be ‘ok’ with death, that’s where it has to come from. If the ego is the one that’s experiencing death, htf is it going to be ok with that? If there is only the experience of leaving this body behind without the mindfuck of rational (mis)interpretation than it is just the experience. What good does that do you if you can’t get there and stay there? Yes, I assume that when ‘my time comes’ that I will at some point drop into that place, but I sure as heck would like to be able to hold it right now and not wait.
I talked to J about the dream in which she says she’s tired of being influenced by this old stuff. It’s ok for her or me to help others but when people try to love us or help us or even TOUCH us, we flinch a bit just because we were betrayed or injured as freaking children when we truly needed assistance or support. I still have that. I’m afraid that whoever it is will pull the rug out from under me at some point, they won’t be there for me when I need them. Eeesh. And who needs who here? What do I ‘need’? What is a ‘need’ that god won’t provide? He may kill me but that’s beside the point, He may allow me to be stabbed to death on a street corner, but that’s beside the point. Come ON! Get this!
Jesus. Sometimes this seems incredibly slow. I’m STILL protecting the fragile little egoic self! Someone might hurt my f*ing feelings! Oh. My. God!
I get that when the experience and the experiencer become one, when the experience is no longer filtered through the ego/mind that the rules of the game are very different. I’ve had moments in which I’ve experienced it. I understand that in order to get to be ‘ok’ with death, that’s where it has to come from. If the ego is the one that’s experiencing death, htf is it going to be ok with that? If there is only the experience of leaving this body behind without the mindfuck of rational (mis)interpretation than it is just the experience. What good does that do you if you can’t get there and stay there? Yes, I assume that when ‘my time comes’ that I will at some point drop into that place, but I sure as heck would like to be able to hold it right now and not wait.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Back to Lopez
Just got back late morning. Hammered but ok. Ready for whatever's next. Been off island for 3 weeks mas o menos. 3 nights in Bellingham, 3 in Rockport, 4 in Marblemount, 2 in the Camping World parking lot in Burlington, 3 in Port Townsend, 1 more at CW, a night in Vancouver to hear and see Deva Premal and Mitten and Manose, 1 more night at CW and now Lopez again. Words fail me. The richness of experience is indescribable. There will be photos forthcoming...maybe.
Last night in Burlington, there was a bit more ego death (if you will). The knowing that 'it doesn't matter'. None of it. There is no meaning, there is the experience felt not through the mind body ego but directly experienced without interpretation. I could be in CW in Burlington, or on Lopez or in a tire store parking lot in Bishop, CA. I could or could not write a book or a poem. I show up. I am loved. I love. I sit with my palms open and up receiving. Or not.
The sky here tonight was 'the most beautiful night sky the world has ever devised'. At least that's what I was thinking a half hour ago. Half moon, fog in the pasture below, wisps of clouds, brilliant stars, tree frogs.
Last night in Burlington, there was a bit more ego death (if you will). The knowing that 'it doesn't matter'. None of it. There is no meaning, there is the experience felt not through the mind body ego but directly experienced without interpretation. I could be in CW in Burlington, or on Lopez or in a tire store parking lot in Bishop, CA. I could or could not write a book or a poem. I show up. I am loved. I love. I sit with my palms open and up receiving. Or not.
The sky here tonight was 'the most beautiful night sky the world has ever devised'. At least that's what I was thinking a half hour ago. Half moon, fog in the pasture below, wisps of clouds, brilliant stars, tree frogs.
Friday, September 10, 2010
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