On Freeing Oneself from Ego

You don't ever get rid of the ego and its identification with life on the dirtball, you just don't give it a whole lot of credence, your relationship to it changes. You allow it to do whatever it is doing because it too is a part of the experience. If there's fear, great, allpw the fear to be, if there is sadness, have the sadness. Resistance in this too is pointless and only causes suffering.

On to the Good Stuff...Finally

Or What I Learned On Winter Vacation

The most consciously loving thing I can ever do for someone (and only when asked) is to hold up the mirror whether reflecting amazing sweetness or something challenging even if it costs me the friendship or the relationship. Being willing to take that risk. Maybe that's obvious.

More Turtle Mtn Pix

Ok, one more update. Call it Needles to Chico

Then we can get into the good stuff.

P and I headed back to Turtle Mountain Wilderness Area. She had planned to stay for 11 days and ended up extending it another 8 or so. We had a great 3 weeks at Turtle Mtn, I took her to Vegas for the flight back to Chico.

I had planned to stay for another 2 months near Joshua Tree and pick her up at LAX on April 2, but after a week or so I developed some symptoms that concerned me and P and I had begun conversations about relationship so I headed for Chico to see my doc and continue the conversations with P in person. I arrived in Chico on Feb 7 and will be seeing my doc on the 24th, this Thursday. I'd like to get some blood tests, and talk about the rapid tumor growth. Basically check in and see if there's anything new going on and what I might be able to do about it.

Needless to say there has been lots of discussion between myself and P about relationship, my prognosis, concerns for the future and all of the usual angsty and sweet and loving issues about life on the dirtball.

Sedona Snow

Sedona

After a few days of recovery post dental work, I sorta checked in to see if I had the energy (and permission, if you will) to drive the 50 mile round trip to Needles for supplies. I got the ok, drove to Needles and felt permission to drive on toward Sedona where I had planned to visit friends. I thought I'd just go to Kingman the first day, about 80 miles or so. I filled up with gas in Kingman and 'decided' I could try for Seligman or Ashfork. Made it to Ashfork and arrived in Sedona the next day. I spent 23 days in Sedona, really enjoyed being with my friends, met a number of other really great people, did some research on a particular type of mushroom to add to my regimen and bought a $150 bottle of tincture.
I left Sedona to pick up P in Las Vegas on January 11th and made it in one drive of about 4.5 hours.

Update

I arrived in the desert in early December. Found a 177k wilderness area near Needles where I could park for free and was mostly alone there for two weeks. As soon as I got there I put out food and water for the birds and instead was visited first by antelope chipmunks, then birds, then apparently a kit fox. There were also desert ravens that would stop by. I used the time to work on jazzy, do inquiry and meditate.

After ten days or so I developed an infection in my mouth. Tried to take care of it with more extreme dental care and goldenseal, but woke up on a Tuesday with face swollen and in extreme pain. I looked up a dental clinic in Fort Mohave, near Needles and started driving the 35 miles. I called them, they got me in and suggested a week of antibiotics to get the swelling down. I drove to the drug store, took double the dose of antibiotics before leaving the store, drove the bus a couple of blocks to an empty parking lot near the hospital emergency room in case it didn't work, took a valium and a dilaudid. An hour later the dilaudid hadn't worked so I took a second one and an hour and a half later, a third. Amazing pain. It finally broke about 9 pm and I was able to sleep.

The next morning drove back to my wilderness area. Went in the next Monday to have it pulled and then back to Turtle Mtn for a few days of recovery.