Update

Ok, so I'm so far behind on keeping this up to date that it seems like I should start with the future, work back to the present and then onto the past. If that makes any sense at all to you, you're already a whackjob and more like me than you probably want to be.
The photo is the piece of land that my dear friends on the big island of Hawaii told me I should come over and homestead. It's the light green triangle sort of thing with the cliffs, not the place with what looks like a beach. I've never seen this piece of land in person. There is water to it and phone and it is supposed to have good Verizon coverage, but there's nothing else there except a fabric covered tube barn.
So that's the future. Maybe January, god willing, we will get on a plane and go there, showing up with a crate full of homesteading tools and some clothes and kitchen gear and figure it all out on the fly.
I've sold Jazzy, my dear RV sanctuary which is going to fund the trip and we had a huge 3 day yard sale and sold almost all the stuff that's not going. Now we have to buy a pickup, build a crate in it, fill the crate with stuff, drive the crate to Oakland and get it shipped then come back to Chico, sell Pamela's car, finish up whatever's left, then drive to the vehicle shipper, get a cab to the bart, take the bart to the airport and get on the plane....That's the plan. Wonder what will really happen?

recent photo showing the real me

Guess I coulda smiled more for this shot. I AM happy. I just look funny.

Through All Pain Love will be turned into Medicine

Rumi, of course.

Click, click, click, the pieces fall into place like the tumblers of a lock. Her self care and becoming, my self care and becoming, M's self care and becoming.
Difficulty, it's how we learn to honor ourselves (which is honoring the divine, duh).
It's how we learn to listen

What does it take to always be conscious; to always be in flow? Time and attention and I guess some knowing that this is right because it is what is happening.

Once it has occurred, it is gone as if it never existed. Your state of consciousness in your last breath is irrelevant to your state of consciousness in this one. You don't get any brownie points for a good moment yesterday or a week ago or a minute ago, thought it is cumulative. Easier once you become accustomed to what it takes to be there.

Consciousness isn't a when, it's now. Enlightenment isn't a when, it's now. That's all.

How it be

It seems to be difficult to express to myself even, the feelings that I'm having as life continues to unfold. I'd say that I don't understand it, but it's pretty clear. It's more that the old habits of questioning everything are having some difficulty letting go. “Are you SURE this is ok and that's ok and that it's all going to be ok?” And the answer is frequently an obvious and instantaneous and emphatic yes, almost before the question is formulated. So then what is there for the old egoic fears to do? They have no job, no purpose anymore and they SO want to be involved even if they are no longer actually in control.

I'm very curious of course. “Gee, I wonder what's going to happen next? I wonder what this or that will look like, how it will unfold?”

There is very little I want. Do I want to sell the bus and get things done and get ready for Hawaii and go there? Do I want this experience or that experience? Do I want a drink or to be healed or some boon to appear? No, not really. The word 'want' is a poor characterization. It just so far to date seems to be unfolding in this very appropriate way. I'd say that it's perfection and in a way it is, but appropriate seems a better word. Things that we need just show up. Healing just happens. There isn't anything that I have to do, but it gets done and I know that my body and hands do things, but kind of without any volition on my part.

There is an ongoing deep gratitude of course. That's present.

String Theory

Yes, for sure, of course, allow everything to be as it is HOWEVER, make no compromise with being fully who you are regardless of cost or outcome. Nothing is sacred unless it serves your becoming. That which is not life affirming is life denying.

There clearly needs to be time for rest and recovery and for becoming accustomed to the new place you've reached, the new insights and powers you've gained when you hit a new plateau. But that downtime should be no no more than what's absolutely necessary before undertaking the next leg of the journey.

We want to become complacent maybe to rest long, to have some peace and downtime and quiet time, maybe even accept less so we don't have to face the next dragon, but for me, that's unacceptable.

When you're born, you're given this piece of string, a timeline that begins with your birth and stretches on into the future, but you don't know how far. For the average 1st world citizen, it's 70+ years. That means that some die in infancy, some die at 104, but no one is average. We pull the string, live out some days, never knowing when this pull will be the final pull. Like blowing out birthday candles and making a wish, what do we want to manifest in this next pull? Think carefully. Will you be satisfied with your choices if it's your last pull? Most of us just pull the string and see what happens. Like choosing door number 3. Could be disease or divorce or a new car.

Dreams that come true = diligent focused work + clear vision + nonattachment + gratitude.

"What I've dared, I've willed and what I've willed I will do. Ye can't swerve me! I'd strike the sun if it insulted me. Naughts an angle to the iron way. Truth hath no confines" Ahab, Moby Dick, Mellville.

Interesting Day

Interesting Day
I rode the bike 7 miles today and pushed it, then later swam and then to a restaurant with P, then got bigtime hammered. Too much exercise and sun and activity in a single day probably or the big whatever just decided to knock me flat. For awhile there I was in resistance to feeling pretty sick and I noticed that there was sadness.
Someone referred to me as a snob today in a kidding sort of way and although I wasn't offended, I did say that that didn't fit for me. Snob being someone who negatively judges others. I replied that I was not a snob, but that I was 'discerning'. I know what I like and am willing to invest in and what I'm not willing to invest in.
Life will never be the same for me, even if i have a guarantee of 20 more years. I know that every moment is precious. I know what life is not now. It is not the way i was before diagnosis and prior to the pretty tough suffering. I even used to think that I needed to 'make a difference' in the world, make something better, save the whales or prevent injustice or something like that. Now I know that the only thing worth doing is being fully present, fully aware of what's going on with me and in me. I'm not totally there yet of course. I see the little ego thing pop up once in awhile for a second wondering how this me is being viewed by someone else and then it pretty quickly turns into something humorous. There's no self judgment in it or shame or any of that. Just a giggle.
And yeah, I'm not willing to spend time with people who are sleep walking, not much anyway. There are some instances where that is necessary, but I minimize it. I'm not going to spend time watching some inane movie or doing anything else that doesn't fill me up.
I guess that's about it for now. Thanks for listening.

Nothing

Is finished.
Nothing is right.
Nothing is as it should be.
All love will be betrayed.
All pain will be ended.
All suffering will be bliss
And all bliss suffering.
All good will be punished.
All good will be rewarded.
Evil will be worshipped.
Evil will be destroyed.
Suffering and bliss are one.
This is the truth.
There is no truth.
There is just is.