Volition

Someone said, "CAN u know what ur next thought will be?" The fact of the matter is that I can't know, don't know what my next thought will be. I'm not choosing it. It just generates spontaneously and randomly. If THAT is true than the idea that I'm choosing what to do in my life goes completely out the window! Oh I might "choose" to eat a banana but where did that thought come from? And if some event interferes with that action the banana plan might disappear. Like if the phone rings our something. So i'm not then really in charge or control of anything then. Hmmm.

update

So I haven't posted in awhile. I've been playing with a new med, low dose naltrexone. It's a weird one. Normally given to opiate addicts, it blocks the opioid receptors in the cells. If taken at the dosage given to addicts it keeps them from wanting the drugs by blocking the receptors. When taken in a low dose at night before bed, the receptors are blocked so the cells start creating tons more opioid receptors and the body starts creating lots of natural opioids like endorphins (which are responsible for most of the killer cells in the body) then when the naltrexone wears off by the very early morning, the receptors open up and the endorphins and other killer cells can go in and attack the cancer. The side effect can be outrageous levels of fatigue. Getting the dose right has been an experiment. I'm now at 3 mg/day. Addicts get 50 mg/day. Low dose naltrexone is also used for other immune deficiency diseases like MS, AIDS and lupus. I'm only now getting a handle on my energy levels. BUT, the tumor has gotten smaller after only 5 weeks. That's really cool. Maybe I'll post new pictures of the tumor soon.

I've just stopped the noise long enough to hear

I am, of course, my own Relentless Bitch™
I am my own consciousness
I am my own ‘all that is’
It’s not some entity speaking to me from someplace outside of myself. It’s just this one thing, one consciousness, my own consciousness, not different than anything else, not two.
I don’t need anyone else’s words or ideas about consciousness
I don’t need anyone pointing at the moon. I can see the moon clearly myself.
I’ve just stopped the noise, in this moment, for long enough to hear.

Dream about doing the work

My dreams are extremely rich again lately, like I'm fully alive in this other place and only come back to consensual reality with some adjustment time necessary. In today's dream, I own a boat, pull into a marina on a busy holiday weekend. All slips are occupied and more boats are coming in. A black guy comes to the slip. I'm aware that I need to get fuel and water and vacate the slip as soon as possible to make room for others. The black guy helps me and walks away. As I'm ready to pull out I notice the boat is quickly filling with water and is capsized. I realize that I'm going to have to go get the black guy and that we're going to have to pull the boat out for repairs. I also realize that it's going to be expensive to pull the boat and buy parts and I'm going to have to do the work myself to save money. I'm resigned but ready to go forward with the project.

My body is the vehicle (the boat) which is being 'invited' to rejoin oneness; the ocean of being (the sea) and that in order to pull off staying embodied, I'm going to have to do the work. Yeah, I've been doing 'the work' but there's always more. Can't let up. Keep working. Each day is like starting over, as if I've not begun, like there's another piece, more, further. I'm beginning from a new place on the path having hiked long and hard to get this far, but of course there's no turning back or resting on your laurels. It doesn't matter how far one has come. Yesterday doesn't count really toward today's progress. Keep going.
Not in resistance but more like resignation. As in, "Boy, OK, but this is going to take some work." It doesn't feel like I'm sinking or like there's anything wrong with the death thing. It's an invitation to rejoin, not a problem at all, but the message that I must keep going.

The amazing ego thing

I'm wowed by watching the ego in the throes of trying to maintain control. ANY control via ANY mechanism, ANY emotion, ANY judgment, ANY thought or all of the above pinballing from one to the other. And all the heart wants to do is LET FREAKIN GO!

Mostly to move the tumor photo further down the page

I am aware that whether we (any and all of us) have one more day or 30 more years, that THIS day (or moment) is gone forever and has no more reality than a dream. There is a gratitude and sadness in that knowing. We often attempt to avoid the sadness. fill that hole and thereby miss THIS new and unfolding now. Life is an experience of everchangingness. Constantly I surrender the passing moment. Unless I forget, get stuck in trying to grab it. It's gone, now this one is gone as well.

The tumor, 4_07_11

I've been reluctant to post this cuz it's not very attractive and yeah, I still don't really want to be the cancer guy. But, maybe you can help? This is from Pamela's sister and yeah, it's hoodoo, but no one does hoodoo like youdo, so what the heck. Can't hurt right? Using this pic below of the tumor, you can put your index, middle and thumb together in a pen/pointer shape, and send white light out of the finger tips, then move rapidly over the surface of the tumor to break up the energetic congestion. This is an energetic healing ultrasound that can really make a difference! Thanks to Pamela's sister, Michele for this! ♥