Lopez Otters

Went to Watmough Bay with bro. Saw otter family

WTF is my problem?

In what ways do my ‘injuries’ from childhood still keep me from showing up? In what ways do they impact my life?

I talked to J about the dream in which she says she’s tired of being influenced by this old stuff. It’s ok for her or me to help others but when people try to love us or help us or even TOUCH us, we flinch a bit just because we were betrayed or injured as freaking children when we truly needed assistance or support. I still have that. I’m afraid that whoever it is will pull the rug out from under me at some point, they won’t be there for me when I need them. Eeesh. And who needs who here? What do I ‘need’? What is a ‘need’ that god won’t provide? He may kill me but that’s beside the point, He may allow me to be stabbed to death on a street corner, but that’s beside the point. Come ON! Get this!

Jesus. Sometimes this seems incredibly slow. I’m STILL protecting the fragile little egoic self! Someone might hurt my f*ing feelings! Oh. My. God!

I get that when the experience and the experiencer become one, when the experience is no longer filtered through the ego/mind that the rules of the game are very different. I’ve had moments in which I’ve experienced it. I understand that in order to get to be ‘ok’ with death, that’s where it has to come from. If the ego is the one that’s experiencing death, htf is it going to be ok with that? If there is only the experience of leaving this body behind without the mindfuck of rational (mis)interpretation than it is just the experience. What good does that do you if you can’t get there and stay there? Yes, I assume that when ‘my time comes’ that I will at some point drop into that place, but I sure as heck would like to be able to hold it right now and not wait.

Back to Lopez

Just got back late morning. Hammered but ok. Ready for whatever's next. Been off island for 3 weeks mas o menos. 3 nights in Bellingham, 3 in Rockport, 4 in Marblemount, 2 in the Camping World parking lot in Burlington, 3 in Port Townsend, 1 more at CW, a night in Vancouver to hear and see Deva Premal and Mitten and Manose, 1 more night at CW and now Lopez again. Words fail me. The richness of experience is indescribable. There will be photos forthcoming...maybe.

Last night in Burlington, there was a bit more ego death (if you will). The knowing that 'it doesn't matter'. None of it. There is no meaning, there is the experience felt not through the mind body ego but directly experienced without interpretation. I could be in CW in Burlington, or on Lopez or in a tire store parking lot in Bishop, CA. I could or could not write a book or a poem. I show up. I am loved. I love. I sit with my palms open and up receiving. Or not.

The sky here tonight was 'the most beautiful night sky the world has ever devised'. At least that's what I was thinking a half hour ago. Half moon, fog in the pasture below, wisps of clouds, brilliant stars, tree frogs.

Fort Worden State Park, Port Townsend, WA

Predawn

I like those hours when it's still darkish
I like to watch the day come on. Once the sun's up an important part of the show shifts to something less dramatic.
And there's all that silence, emptiness. allows room for the questions and the empty handed listening.

Take Me Out Or Leave Me Alone

I tell her ‘Take me out or leave me alone!’ but she won't. She thinks its good to f**k with me . She’s never been wrong so far, I guess.

"Oh no" she says, "you got MORE work to do here! We're gonna stuff you in the stew pot and turn it on high, then throw you in the icy sea, then turn it back on, then run you through the food processor then back into the sea for awhile and then...”

And after all this time, I still don't got it all figured out, so see? 'Nice guy, needs work'
“How long?” I say. “How much longer?”

“Hah!” is the response. “Telling you would shortcut the process and you’d goof off most likely! Just shut up and simmer or swim…or whatever I have you doing in the moment.”

I'm trying to feel the patterns going forward, just sort of get a whiff, a scent,
the thread thing that's pulling me forward toward this godlight. Be aware of it and the directions it wants to tug me in. Meanwhile meditate, 'be', do the inquiry.

This am at 3, i went out and put my hands on the dirt and sensed again how the planet has loved and supported me and how much i love this little dirt ball and its wild critters and trees and rocks and things and how much it loves me.

And I try to figure out a way to show up for the physical part of my life, the doing part, because that's real and important too, even if it's ultimately meaningless. Maybe Something a bit more than writing emails to friends. don't know what yet.

Full moon setting with cows and old school