Core Story Work

Core Story Work –

I am full to overflowing with ‘not knowing’, open to whatever guidance comes. The answers appear as they will, often in the moment in which action must be taken and not before. It is clear that it is inappropriate, silly, futile, a waste of time and energy to try to answer the question before it is fully formed, ripe.

We spend precious hours of our lives planning, weighing options, wanting to know because it feels safe to know what tomorrow will look like and then we are living in a moment that hasn’t come instead of this moment and living in an unreal fantasy. It takes practice and courage to have that much faith. One does get better at it. Living in the not knowing develops a comfort zone with it.

The only thing the universe understands is action, when you physically take the plunge, jump into the abyss. Intention without action is empty and meaningless.

My normal MO has always been that I would feel some discomfort in my body/heart/mind and I would breathe into it and identify it and then often journal for quite a few pages about it in order to integrate it. It’s been interesting that for the past few months, when material has come up for me I’ve been able to write a few sentences about it and integrate it. That combined with daily meditation has kept me in a pretty peaceful state of mind and a state of acceptance including the acceptance of probable sickness and possible death. I have frequently experienced non abiding awakening, a connection to all that is, a realization that there is just this incredible rich and beautiful oneness and that nothing anywhere is ‘wrong’. Hard, yes. Painful, yes. Wrong, no.

The other thing that I’ve noticed is that my relationship to life has shifted dramatically. This has been a process that has taken years. When I was first diagnosed I felt like

‘Ok, well f*** it then, I’m outta here’ (and good riddance really was the underlying emotion). The corollary to that was, ‘Life has been hard, I’ve done my best to be a good human and a good parent, be honest and compassionate and helpful and loving and THIS is how you treat me? It hasn’t been that fun. I’m totally down with my departure and the next adventure.’

Simultaneously, I’ve also been aware that this entire life thing has been a conspiracy to do the healing work that would allow me to awaken from the dream state. And I’ve referred to myself as the most blessed man on the planet. I know that I am very much loved by lots of people and certainly by wildness that has supported me in so much of my life. I’ve been given these lovely gifts of love all along the way to support and nurture me in my work.

I’ve come to the point where although I’m not attached to being here on the planet, I really do appreciate and honor the experience of being alive. I’ve grown fond of it. Previously there was a tenaciousness that wanted to squeeze every last drop from the adventure. That’s still there, but it’s coming from a softer place, more like life and I are nurturing each other.

So, yesterday? The day before? I had a melt down. I put T on the shuttle, cleaned everything like a maniac, went to bed ultimately and woke up the next day unable to get warm although the thermostat was set to 80 and I was wearing layers of clothing including a thick sweater and a jacket. I knew in that moment that my physicality was pretty severely compromised. This body is the master in many ways of my experience. If I want to stay here and participate, I have to do what it tells me.

So I did do what the body was telling me. Exceptional self care, pills and naps and hyperthermia and good food. I am certainly not fully recovered physically. In fact, the body still feels pretty weak and tenuous and I’m aware that I can’t back off on the self care for some days.

Simultaneously I listened to the Core Story audio by Adya. I had listened to it previously but got more out of it this time. My core story, like a lot of people’s is a sense of inadequacy, not good enoughness, no matter how successful one is at whatever one has done, there’s no way to fill that hole. In Zen this is called the hungry ghost, all mouth and no stomach. Stuff all of the success you want into it and the reflections by others of that success and it will never be satiated.

Our tendency is to drop into stillness and wholeness where we know this is not true, but that’s a patch. We don’t like pain and are programmed to avoid it if possible. The core story will come up again and again. Adya says that the core story has really driven all of our existence and our decisions about life and how we’ve lived it and I can see that this is true for me. It has driven my desire for relationship, my desire to be seen as helpful, spiritual. He says that when the core story work is completed you’ll know because your activities will no longer be driven by it.

So instead of avoiding it, we drop into it, hold it, keep it in our awareness. I have the response of ‘why in the hell would ANYONE want to do this work? It’s hard and it’s painful.’

The same day, I did a body talk session with H in which it came up that I am unable to fulfill most of what I learned about what it is to be a man. That definition includes ‘provider and protector’, the strong macho get it done guy (especially with the Aries sun sign, oh my god). In that sense I have very little to offer, in that sense. I have no value as a man. She identified my anger and frustration about this. It totally tags into who I am in relationships. And of course it totally tags into my precognitive programming of not being enough, the hungry ghost.

It is the desire for consciousness to be present within me that brings the illusions to awareness over and over again. Consciousness that brings up the often difficult and painful learning.

Pain comes and goes. That’s the way life IS! There is NO WAY to be alive and be free from pain!

Take Me Out Or Leave Me Alone

I tell her ‘Take me out or leave me alone!’ but she won't. She thinks its good to f**k with me . She’s never been wrong so far, I guess.

"Oh no" she says, "you got MORE work to do here! We're gonna stuff you in the stew pot and turn it on high, then throw you in the icy sea, then turn it back on, then run you through the food processor then back into the sea for awhile and then...”

And after all this time, I still don't got it all figured out, so see? 'Nice guy, needs work'
“How long?” I say. “How much longer?”

“Hah!” is the response. “Telling you would shortcut the process and you’d goof off most likely! Just shut up and simmer or swim…or whatever I have you doing in the moment.”

I'm trying to feel the patterns going forward, just sort of get a whiff, a scent,
the thread thing that's pulling me forward toward this godlight. Be aware of it and the directions it wants to tug me in. Meanwhile meditate, 'be', do the inquiry.

This am at 3, i went out and put my hands on the dirt and sensed again how the planet has loved and supported me and how much i love this little dirt ball and its wild critters and trees and rocks and things and how much it loves me.

And I try to figure out a way to show up for the physical part of my life, the doing part, because that's real and important too, even if it's ultimately meaningless. Maybe Something a bit more than writing emails to friends. don't know what yet.

Then you fall off the wagon again

What? Did you expect to hold onto freedom all the time?
You think that when you get there, that's it?
Your work here is done?
You can be above it all for the remainder of your days?
You can be at peace all the time?

I've always had to work pretty hard at whatever I wanted to get good at and this is no exception.
This is one of those places where intelligence is probably not helpful and in fact may be harmful.
This is not one of those things like calculating the sun's angle of incidence at 1 pm for a particular geographical position and time of year.
It's not like figuring out a better way to manage a couple of dozen employees.
In many respects it doesn't have a dirtworld application.

After being so comfortable and confident and feeling like there's some sense in all this (a lovely high, btw) the slightest little toe stub sends you reeling back to the pits of your self created hell. Maybe it's the contrast between states that makes it so hard.

Even though I KNOW that there's treasure in the dark hard places even THAT can seem so pointless on the level of existence.

I was pretty sick for a number of days in a row. I don't know how to describe it. Like the life force is SO low that you're floating in the tween state between embodiment and death for hours. Sometimes that feels painful, sometimes I am merely curious. Sometimes it feels like I'm hanging on for 'dear life'.

That's just my truth. No holds barred. My quality of life was pretty dismal there for a bit. Then being here DOES seem pointless.

When you ask god, beg him/her to go all the way into complete knowing, you're jumped onto the back of an animal that you have absolutely no control over. You've entered a realm that is going to take you to your own personal hell over and over and over again. Maybe you'll come back and maybe you won't. There are no guarantees and you can't back out or change your mind.

Push yourself up off the ground again, can you sit, can you stand? No mercy. Is there a reward at the end of this? Is it worth it?

Morning January 3, Rough Night

Got to my friends in Del Mar (near San Diego), parked in their driveway, with a great view of Torrey Pines State Park and the Pacific. Pix to come.
Shortly after arrival I was thrashed and on the floor. That continued through the day, evening and night and still pretty messed up this morning. Like you'd think I'd get used to it, but I went from fear to worry to curiosity. Like, 'how exactly am I supposed to pull this off?'. Then acceptance and lo and behold, there's joy behind that. The natural joy that we all are.

My friend Howard says that past intense suffering develops present gratitude. Wow. I know that one. A day simply not being ‘sick’ makes me want to dance and even a few minutes of physical wellness has the same effect a lot of the time. And I can even get it up for being joyous when not well much of the time as I am in this mo’.

‘Listening to the silence’ totally works for me.

Open Your Heart

It's all heartbreak when you're truly aware; the joy of playing with a child, the first bite of a hot french fry or seeing a derelict at the corner who looks so badly used that you wonder how he's alive, or the broken heart of a profound love lost, or the silhouette of a eucalyptus along the highway in the central valley as the sunlight begins to fade.

Your heart is wide open until you can't STAND it (cuz it's scary to be that vulnerable, because when you were vulnerable before as a child or in relationship, you got hurt) and then you distract yourself with something, a story, a piece of gum, calculating the distance to your destination when you don't really need to or anything else that shuts it down.

one goal

There is only one goal for me and why would I be interested in any other?
It is the goal of being completely in the flow, that doesn't mean that 'bad' things won't happen; that I'll be on the bed dizzy and nauseous or that I'll die in a car crash or robbed and beaten in a rest stop somewhere. I don't say these things because I'm morbid, but just as examples. And it doesn't mean that good things don't happen like transendent love making and ecstatic joyfulness.

Being in the flow isn't letting go of what is.
It is giving up control and identification with the limited version of reality which is self.
The incredible relief of realizing that the ego perspective is a very limited view of godhood, that it cannot reach that state and the relief of looking beyond the ego's viewpoint.

Everything else that I do, that happens is a tool for the repeated realization (because I seem to slip in and out of it) that I am a wave, looking for the ocean, while a part of the ocean.

There IS a great release, relief in the awareness that I have no control.
I am thistledown on the wind, blown where the wind will blow me.
You still have to clean the bathroom and brush your teeth and drive the bus in heavy traffic sometimes or figure out how you're going to pay the bills, but there's almost a humor in it, seeing the little ego mind doing it's thing.

So I minimize the amount of energy required to maintain self while still doing an impeccable job of it to the best of my ability, honoring god by appreciating what we have to work with, the body and the mind.

And I am compelled by the blowing wind to share this experience of life on earth with others, both those that can grok where I'm at and what's important to me (because they help fan the flames) and also those who can't, because they are still brother and sister waves. They are all part of who I am.

When i'm in fully 'released from control' mode, it doesn't feel like it's this magical place where i feel special or even particularly joyous.
That's kind of surprising to me. I kinda thought it would.
I do feel relieved but it feels pretty ordinary. I actually have to check in once in a while. 'does ego think it's in control in this now? No? Are you sure? Yes? Good. Thank you.'
Then I continue to do whatever I was doing.

We return you now to your regularly scheduled program. angst or joy, whichever you choose.

so now seeming struggle

so much fell into place of it's own accord for so long. sure, there was fear, but it wasn't hard to accept or deal with. There has been lots to take care of and there is still quite a bit it seems in order to get myself to Nogales for dental work while completing the final aspects of semipermanently shifting life to nomadic. But now, I go out to do something and there are pieces missing. I can't see the perfection at this time. Feels like struggle. I'm still sure the perfection is there, I just can't see it.

Life is like going to a movie by Adya

Life is like going to a movie
What would be the point of going to a movie and reminding yourself you’re at a movie the whole time?
As soon as you remember it’s a movie, you know it’s a bad one, right?
It hasn’t been good enough to get you to suspend your disbelief.
When you go to a good movie you automatically suspend your disbelief.
You laugh when you’re supposed to laugh
You cry when you’re supposed to cry.
Nobody fell in love, nobody was killed, but we willingly go to have this experience.
At the same time something in you knows it’s not real.
If someone got hauled out and shot in front of you it would leave a lasting impression.
People go to a movie and watch hundreds of people slaughtered while they’re eating popcorn and sipping coke.
They can feel for the people being slaughtered but something inside them knows it’s not real.
Therefore it doesn’t usually leave a lasting impression.
You’re in the world but not of it.
You know it’s not real but you’re not always reminding yourself it’s not real.
That’s the razor’s edge.
If you get caught on either side, the point is totally lost.
It would be like being in a movie and saying, ‘it’s not real, it’s not real’

When you reach for awareness

You can't make enlightenment happen. There's nothing you can 'do' to achieve full consciousness. It comes of it's own accord when you remove every ego/mind/body/thought block to it.

When you reach for the highest levels of awareness what you’re asking for is that every issue you’ve ever had be brought to the surface to be healed.

Every button you’ve ever had will be pushed and pushed again until those buttons no longer exist or you give up and crawl back into your denial.

Your issues and buttons and fears are what stand between you and consciousness.

Once you reach a certain point, the only way out is in.
You're given the ability to deal with it when you're ready to take the next step, heal the next issue.

What do you fear most? That’s where you’re headed.

Goddess is always with us

Goddess is always with us. Oh, she has her plan all right.

“I have come unto you for a purpose and you have called me to you, for you are ready, mostly willing.
I will show you everything although you will feel frightened by it sometimes, and angry and the sadness of it will tear at your heart. You can not hide from seeing and be whole.
I am with you always. My wings surround you. Call to me, cherish the wonder of my body which is the heavens and the earth. Come often for you will often need to be cradled in my arms.
You will cry.
I will hold you. You will be frightened and I will caress you, soothe you.

Your tears are so powerful, they nurture all of creation.”

coincidence and grace

Went to Santa Cruz for spiritual talk on Saturday, spent the night, breakfast on the pier, cruised the downtown markets. On Sunday stopped in Oakland to visit an old friend on the way home. Got home Sunday night and had the one of the worst nights in this 3 year adventure. The next morning felt like I had swam 5 miles. Very weak and tired. Rested on Monday.

Tuesday I was going to move the RV to an RV park in the area, but was too weak. Wednesday I ran errands in Paradise and for some reason decided to get the tires rotated on the truck. I am planning on selling it anyway and seldom rotated the tires even when I kept my rigs. After they did the tire rotation at the shop, they backed it out and basically the front end fell off the thing. If I’d driven it away and especially tried to move the rv, I would sooooo have been killed. The repair is only going to be a few hundred dollars and should be done today, Friday.

Then the folks who bought the land called and said they wanted to buy the RV too! Another good reason not to move it. I’d put off calling the RV park that I’d scoped out to rent the space for a month and couldn’t figure out why I’d kept putting it off.

Then there was the 60 year old man at the tire place who started talking to me out of the blue about his daughter’s death from cancer. After a bit, he asked me if I knew what stage 4 cancer was and I told him that I did and why. After our 5 minute conversation, he was in tears and rose to hug me as I left.

The little egoic me wants to be frightened that I now don’t have land or an RV. It wants a home. Given all that’s happened, I don’t know why god wouldn’t supply me with one, but I’m open to whatever develops. Maybe there’s some other plan. As if I’m in charge, huh? Isn’t it pretty obvious that we’re not?

Stanford, Remove Primary, Treatment Options

Haven't posted in a while. Blogger's been messed up for a few days, but I've been messed up for a much longer time. Went to a week long trade show the first week of November, came back from there and on the anniversary of my original biopsy went to Stanford to the Head and Neck clinic for consultation. They scheduled another biopsy for the 21st, so did that. They took out some bits including right tonsil and found the primary in there, so completely removed that tonsil. I was on liquid hydrocodone with a massive sore throat for about ten days. Throat is still sore 16 or 17 days later.

Went back 10 days later to explore treatment options. Of course it's chemo/rad vs. a suicide in their minds. I wrestled so hard with all of that and finally opted for a combination of faith and my organic methods. They were surprised that I was 'doing as well as I was' two years after dx. It's been a very tough decision, but conv. treatment... well, I'm tired of talking about it. It's horrendous and would probably involve things like bankruptcy and dentures and being really really sick for quite a while.

Massive interpersonal relationship issues on top of that. Ah, life. I've been in a state of shock. Just coming out. See previous post.

Spring Celebration

I awake to a cold house on a spring morning before sunrise, make coffee, do a little writing while trying to keep the neighbor kitty out of my face.
Then I walk to town.

Sleeping part of yesterday away, burned I guess from several weeks of being very responsible,
I dream healing, get-back-into-my-body dreams.

Walking to town through the long rays of spring morning light, chilly pure air,
I remember having walked this road, in this light, at this hour and this time of year and then...
I am twenty.

I know this magic, tears start, the sudden knowing.

A rusty chair in the garden, facing renewal, the sunrise.
It is magic. The nettles spring up an inch a day through weathered cedar boards.
Birdsong. Millions of years of evolution and they honor each spring with iridescent, glowing vitality.

Every growing thing celebrates, Audaciously!

Black, barren soil collects the warmth to incite crocus and daffodil to herald the four-and-a-half billionth coming of Christ or Vishnu or Matakwease or Celtic goddess or just Spring.

Faded seed packets mark early greens in my garden planted before the last frost

Snow dripping, water gathering, moving down crystal.
Branches trailing wakes in a powerful icy river, refreshing the sea.

Magic says if you honor more, you get more.

Then, Jake plunges into the river as two small ducks drift by in their search for breakfast.
I yell at him. He says looking at me puzzled,

“I know I could catch them for you, just let me at them. You’d be so proud of me. I know
you’d like to have them”

I laugh out loud. He’s so sincere.

So... you’ve been given the power, honored with it. GO CREATE!

Only humans forget what the rest of the growing things always remember.
Is it my work, to help remind? The highest form of creation for me?

I guess I am a priest, not a warrior or healer or king, and I’m afraid to take the responsibility to always remember. Always. Myself. Now.

Spring-warmed barren hearts, Arise!

Plunge hands, wrist-deep into warmed black soil. Celebrate!

Love Neverending

I’m sorry youse guys are so busy. I know how that can be. I’m working on just saying, “Fuck it”. The pile does not get any smaller so then it becomes an issue of just how fast you want to go. Shall I weld the rototiller today, put in the air conditioner, extend the watering system to include the new bed and the squash plants? Should I make some headway on my speeches that are due sometime next week? I could work on the computer all weekend and then I’d be ahead of the game on Monday morning. Even as I type these things, the anxiety starts building because I’ve lived this way all of my life. Really, my heart starts beating faster, my breath quickens, I feel the tension and anxiety, JUST FROM TYPING THIS! You HAVE to jam an hours worth of work into the next 15 minutes or the whole world will collapse, the IRS will show up at the door, a customer will be less than totally thrilled, the rabbits will die of heat exhaustion and what about that fire line I want to dig down to the river? NOW THAT”S CRITICAL!!!! Ohmygod! I have to get all of these things done before the sun sets (or I could forgo my sleeping tonight and get more done!).

It’s called living in fear and in not enoughness. There isn’t enough love, time or money. If there is, then I will only deserve it if I work really, really hard.

Know that I’m not typing this for you all, I’m writing it for myself. It’s my baggage, but I send it to you because I think you can relate to it.

Fear says, “I can make you safe”. Love says, “You ARE safe”. The soul doesn’t care if you weld the rototiller unless you do it from love and joy, then it would have the equivalent value of spending the same amount of time enJOYing watching the birds at the feeder or laying in the grass looking at the clouds pass over.

Deeksha was good. It’s the same story. Its your intention that you invest in it. If you intend to get something out of it, you will. Will I go again? Well maybe something will settle in that I haven’t felt yet, but otherwise, probably not. There is NO DOUBT that we have to share this JOY and LOVE or it doesn’t do us much good either. I think for me there are other ways I’d like to intend it. I’m having a hard time in group not wanting us to sing (just something goofy like Amazing Grace or Simple Gifts). I’m chicken to bring it up. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. What a wimp, huh?

I feel compelled to help people more who are diagnosed with cancer. Maybe over at Feather River Hospital. Alternatives, emotions and spirituality. I’ve ordered a few more books on it. It’s almost time for a fast again. I can feel it coming on.

I hope you all don’t mind being a sounding board for my process. You don’t have to reply to it.

I send you buckets and buckets (there is no end to the amount. It just keeps flowing from all directions to all of you. It never ends. There is no limit. The flow is constant. In an hour or a day or a month or a year, you can come to the realization that it is STILL flowing uninterrupted and always will flow) of LOVEJOY!

today's messages

Not to merely 'accept' but to wholeheartedly EMBRACE the full catastrophe that is life.

I am not longing for love (or anything else. I have all the love I can stand), but just being here with an empty heart, devoid of anything but full of light.

My Future

Now there's a topic for introspection. First they were going to carve up my neck on one side, remove 75 or so lymph nodes, cut my carotid artery in the process ("you have two of them, you only need one"), then poison me with chemo and throw in a bunch of radiation (for general puposes). The results of the surgery 'might be' that my face would be droopy on that side and I might not be able to use that arm anymore. Hey, I'm a public speaker and I spend my free time gardening and building things. So there goes public speaking maybe and I might have to give up the things that I like to do. I asked the young surgeon what he would do in my situation. He said, "I'd probably throw a case of Jack Daniels in the Jeep and head for the mountains". I appreciated his honesty.

So here I am 19 months later. Bought some land. Having been wiped out financially between the cancer and a divorce just prior, my gf and I are living in our fifth wheel, but planning to start building a house soon.

Frankly, my take on the economy is that we're headed for something akin to the Great Depression. More in a mo'

I had a bad week a couple of weeks ago, so upped the ante and did a detox diet, got some healing from some local healers. I’m OK now again. The message is that I need to know that I’m worthy of being healed. Maybe that’s arcane? I find myself receiving appreciation from many different sources. I am puzzled by it. I know that I need to breathe that in. The other message is some kind of integration of the cancer diagnosis on a level that’s so deep that it’s hard to describe and being OK with it, not in fear, not even anxiety or worry. I need to get to the point that if it were to mean suffering and death and leaving this place that I love that I would be able to love that too. (I HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO!) Not morbid, just reality. I was telling someone the other day that I am fortunate in a way to be given such clear and strong messages. Slammed to the ground and commanded to choose…now. That old saying ‘evolve or die’.

I went down the hill on the land and sorta found a sorta flattish spot where I’d like to build a little 8’ diameter round meditation deck with a couple of cutouts one for a bowl of water and one for a bowl of fire of some sort. Maybe just a candle. The yin/yang symbol would work great for that with the candle bowl and water bowl where the ‘dots’ are in the symbol. Also perhaps a tiny 10x10 overnight cabin with kerosene lamps and a cot and a window. Anyway, that’s fantasy for off in the future and can’t get in the way of doing my ‘work’ today, huh?

Life is an odd mixture of learning, discovery, but also the physical. Just being and appreciating this crazy life is so important and too frequently superseded by ‘doing’ and ‘having’, but there is art in physically manipulating the environment, recreating Eden, maybe that is re-engaging, undoing the separation from spirit. There’s a theory that allegorically when we were in ‘the garden of eden’ we were unaware of ourselves, that we were just one with Spirit and didn’t know relativity, didn’t know that we as humans were creative, didn’t know that we could choose or that we had free will. Being tossed out of the garden was when that understanding occurred. Then suddenly it was up to us to make choices particularly the choice of being connected or ignoring that connection.

Most of us have spent our lives disconnected. When humans live closer to the earth, they are more in touch with the things made by God, the seasons, the wild critters, plant growth, the great circle of life as the native Americans would describe it. It’s only since the industrial revolution when we left community and became cogs in the industrial machine living away from nature that we have really lost the way and lost the sense of being part of the earth and necessarily part of spirit.

I have been fortunate to have chosen early in my life to go ‘back to the garden’.

A poem I wrote in a dark moment

The Seeker’s Path

The seeker’s path is a path fraught with danger.

Every step, the mage could fall through the earth into an underworld of deviltry.

Around every boulder could be an enemy, behind every tree the unknown.

Dark energies that would steal his breath from him, steal his pulse.

Frequently, there is great sadness. It is not the path of comfort or happiness or peace. He walks the path alone, always alone.

Is it worth it? Could we just drink cheap beer and watch television instead?

Some could, some do.

I apparently cannot.

Spirit uses me like a rich man uses a whore.

I am not my own, though I try to make decisions and choose the life I want.

When finished with me, Power will toss me aside like a spent shell, like a bent nail pulled crooked and twisted from the world, left to rust and decay.

There is no real path. Sometimes He lights the way for a step or two, never allowing me to see the destination.

I control nothing of importance here.

Could I get a smile here? Could I have some love?

None of this shit really matters, the land, my few possessions.

They will all be taken from me or used against me.

I may be beaten with them.

My blood is what She wants, the marrow of my bones.

I will be a spirit released, flying over the earth like thistle down on the wind.

Can I do that while I yet live?

Is that what She demands of me?

Tell me, for Christ’s sake. At least tell me.

The blackgreen of the forested north slope is frosted with snow caught for a time in the branches.

A somber mood is created by pre-dawn dark snow clouds, flakes of snow, falling like they know where they are going.

“I know the key I am trying to turn is in myself”, Lawrence Durrell, Balthazar.