Morning January 3, Rough Night

Got to my friends in Del Mar (near San Diego), parked in their driveway, with a great view of Torrey Pines State Park and the Pacific. Pix to come.
Shortly after arrival I was thrashed and on the floor. That continued through the day, evening and night and still pretty messed up this morning. Like you'd think I'd get used to it, but I went from fear to worry to curiosity. Like, 'how exactly am I supposed to pull this off?'. Then acceptance and lo and behold, there's joy behind that. The natural joy that we all are.

My friend Howard says that past intense suffering develops present gratitude. Wow. I know that one. A day simply not being ‘sick’ makes me want to dance and even a few minutes of physical wellness has the same effect a lot of the time. And I can even get it up for being joyous when not well much of the time as I am in this mo’.

‘Listening to the silence’ totally works for me.

Love Neverending

I’m sorry youse guys are so busy. I know how that can be. I’m working on just saying, “Fuck it”. The pile does not get any smaller so then it becomes an issue of just how fast you want to go. Shall I weld the rototiller today, put in the air conditioner, extend the watering system to include the new bed and the squash plants? Should I make some headway on my speeches that are due sometime next week? I could work on the computer all weekend and then I’d be ahead of the game on Monday morning. Even as I type these things, the anxiety starts building because I’ve lived this way all of my life. Really, my heart starts beating faster, my breath quickens, I feel the tension and anxiety, JUST FROM TYPING THIS! You HAVE to jam an hours worth of work into the next 15 minutes or the whole world will collapse, the IRS will show up at the door, a customer will be less than totally thrilled, the rabbits will die of heat exhaustion and what about that fire line I want to dig down to the river? NOW THAT”S CRITICAL!!!! Ohmygod! I have to get all of these things done before the sun sets (or I could forgo my sleeping tonight and get more done!).

It’s called living in fear and in not enoughness. There isn’t enough love, time or money. If there is, then I will only deserve it if I work really, really hard.

Know that I’m not typing this for you all, I’m writing it for myself. It’s my baggage, but I send it to you because I think you can relate to it.

Fear says, “I can make you safe”. Love says, “You ARE safe”. The soul doesn’t care if you weld the rototiller unless you do it from love and joy, then it would have the equivalent value of spending the same amount of time enJOYing watching the birds at the feeder or laying in the grass looking at the clouds pass over.

Deeksha was good. It’s the same story. Its your intention that you invest in it. If you intend to get something out of it, you will. Will I go again? Well maybe something will settle in that I haven’t felt yet, but otherwise, probably not. There is NO DOUBT that we have to share this JOY and LOVE or it doesn’t do us much good either. I think for me there are other ways I’d like to intend it. I’m having a hard time in group not wanting us to sing (just something goofy like Amazing Grace or Simple Gifts). I’m chicken to bring it up. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. What a wimp, huh?

I feel compelled to help people more who are diagnosed with cancer. Maybe over at Feather River Hospital. Alternatives, emotions and spirituality. I’ve ordered a few more books on it. It’s almost time for a fast again. I can feel it coming on.

I hope you all don’t mind being a sounding board for my process. You don’t have to reply to it.

I send you buckets and buckets (there is no end to the amount. It just keeps flowing from all directions to all of you. It never ends. There is no limit. The flow is constant. In an hour or a day or a month or a year, you can come to the realization that it is STILL flowing uninterrupted and always will flow) of LOVEJOY!