Love Neverending

I’m sorry youse guys are so busy. I know how that can be. I’m working on just saying, “Fuck it”. The pile does not get any smaller so then it becomes an issue of just how fast you want to go. Shall I weld the rototiller today, put in the air conditioner, extend the watering system to include the new bed and the squash plants? Should I make some headway on my speeches that are due sometime next week? I could work on the computer all weekend and then I’d be ahead of the game on Monday morning. Even as I type these things, the anxiety starts building because I’ve lived this way all of my life. Really, my heart starts beating faster, my breath quickens, I feel the tension and anxiety, JUST FROM TYPING THIS! You HAVE to jam an hours worth of work into the next 15 minutes or the whole world will collapse, the IRS will show up at the door, a customer will be less than totally thrilled, the rabbits will die of heat exhaustion and what about that fire line I want to dig down to the river? NOW THAT”S CRITICAL!!!! Ohmygod! I have to get all of these things done before the sun sets (or I could forgo my sleeping tonight and get more done!).

It’s called living in fear and in not enoughness. There isn’t enough love, time or money. If there is, then I will only deserve it if I work really, really hard.

Know that I’m not typing this for you all, I’m writing it for myself. It’s my baggage, but I send it to you because I think you can relate to it.

Fear says, “I can make you safe”. Love says, “You ARE safe”. The soul doesn’t care if you weld the rototiller unless you do it from love and joy, then it would have the equivalent value of spending the same amount of time enJOYing watching the birds at the feeder or laying in the grass looking at the clouds pass over.

Deeksha was good. It’s the same story. Its your intention that you invest in it. If you intend to get something out of it, you will. Will I go again? Well maybe something will settle in that I haven’t felt yet, but otherwise, probably not. There is NO DOUBT that we have to share this JOY and LOVE or it doesn’t do us much good either. I think for me there are other ways I’d like to intend it. I’m having a hard time in group not wanting us to sing (just something goofy like Amazing Grace or Simple Gifts). I’m chicken to bring it up. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. What a wimp, huh?

I feel compelled to help people more who are diagnosed with cancer. Maybe over at Feather River Hospital. Alternatives, emotions and spirituality. I’ve ordered a few more books on it. It’s almost time for a fast again. I can feel it coming on.

I hope you all don’t mind being a sounding board for my process. You don’t have to reply to it.

I send you buckets and buckets (there is no end to the amount. It just keeps flowing from all directions to all of you. It never ends. There is no limit. The flow is constant. In an hour or a day or a month or a year, you can come to the realization that it is STILL flowing uninterrupted and always will flow) of LOVEJOY!

Life is an odd mixture of learning, discovery, but also the physical. Just being and appreciating this crazy life is so important and too frequently superseded by ‘doing’ and ‘having’, but there is art in physically manipulating the environment, recreating Eden, maybe that is re-engaging, undoing the separation from spirit. There’s a theory that allegorically when we were in ‘the garden of eden’ we were unaware of ourselves, that we were just one with Spirit and didn’t know relativity, didn’t know that we as humans were creative, didn’t know that we could choose or that we had free will. Being tossed out of the garden was when that understanding occurred. Then suddenly it was up to us to make choices particularly the choice of being connected or ignoring that connection.

Most of us have spent our lives disconnected. When humans live closer to the earth, they are more in touch with the things made by God, the seasons, the wild critters, plant growth, the great circle of life as the native Americans would describe it. It’s only since the industrial revolution when we left community and became cogs in the industrial machine living away from nature that we have really lost the way and lost the sense of being part of the earth and necessarily part of spirit.

I have been fortunate to have chosen early in my life to go ‘back to the garden’.