Messed up again

Intensely dizzy and exhausted this past 3 days. At times, unable to be out of bed. Of course the mind wants to plan around it, fix it, figure it out, but there's really nothing much for it to do.

There is the realization that at some point this whole game comes to an end and is 'rounded with a sleep'. Poof. Gone.

Prospero:
Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd tow'rs, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.
The Tempest Act 4, scene 1, 148–158

I have to beat this because everyone expects me to

Some days it seems like a lot to ask. Somebody defined a nightmare as
1. Bad things are happening and worse things are threatened.
2. you are powerless to do anything about it
3. There is no end, no time limit, no 'only two more days or years' and it'll be over.

The difference between a nightmare and a bad dream is if you change any one of these. So there will never be a time when I am 'cured'. I'll always be under the threat of anything can happen at any time. There's no denying that number 1 is true. There's not much 'bad' happening at the moment other than relatively subtle daily warnings of tenderness, fatigue and some swelling. The symptoms kinda feel like a 'tease' ongoing, always there. So number 2. I'm not powerless if I choose not to be. Let's turn this from a nightmare into a bad dream. Problem is that I don't want to be strong EVERY Flickin' day! It's tiring, its boring and its not real.

Nietzsche said "When things are really bad, being sane is an insane response".

So back to the beginning. I feel like I need to beat this because everyone wants and expects me to. That's a heavy burden in itself. Here's the list:
"Take your pills every day"
"Only eat healthy"
"Exercise a lot"
"Do your spiritual work" Hey, If I die, I wasn't spiritual enough. Now there's a big responsibility.
"Do your emotional work" Hey, if I die, I wasn't emotionally mature enough (to suit everyone else.)

I might die. If you have a problem with it, "YOU TRY PULLING THIS OFF!!!"

My Future

Now there's a topic for introspection. First they were going to carve up my neck on one side, remove 75 or so lymph nodes, cut my carotid artery in the process ("you have two of them, you only need one"), then poison me with chemo and throw in a bunch of radiation (for general puposes). The results of the surgery 'might be' that my face would be droopy on that side and I might not be able to use that arm anymore. Hey, I'm a public speaker and I spend my free time gardening and building things. So there goes public speaking maybe and I might have to give up the things that I like to do. I asked the young surgeon what he would do in my situation. He said, "I'd probably throw a case of Jack Daniels in the Jeep and head for the mountains". I appreciated his honesty.

So here I am 19 months later. Bought some land. Having been wiped out financially between the cancer and a divorce just prior, my gf and I are living in our fifth wheel, but planning to start building a house soon.

Frankly, my take on the economy is that we're headed for something akin to the Great Depression. More in a mo'