Sedona Snow

Sedona

After a few days of recovery post dental work, I sorta checked in to see if I had the energy (and permission, if you will) to drive the 50 mile round trip to Needles for supplies. I got the ok, drove to Needles and felt permission to drive on toward Sedona where I had planned to visit friends. I thought I'd just go to Kingman the first day, about 80 miles or so. I filled up with gas in Kingman and 'decided' I could try for Seligman or Ashfork. Made it to Ashfork and arrived in Sedona the next day. I spent 23 days in Sedona, really enjoyed being with my friends, met a number of other really great people, did some research on a particular type of mushroom to add to my regimen and bought a $150 bottle of tincture.
I left Sedona to pick up P in Las Vegas on January 11th and made it in one drive of about 4.5 hours.

Update

I arrived in the desert in early December. Found a 177k wilderness area near Needles where I could park for free and was mostly alone there for two weeks. As soon as I got there I put out food and water for the birds and instead was visited first by antelope chipmunks, then birds, then apparently a kit fox. There were also desert ravens that would stop by. I used the time to work on jazzy, do inquiry and meditate.

After ten days or so I developed an infection in my mouth. Tried to take care of it with more extreme dental care and goldenseal, but woke up on a Tuesday with face swollen and in extreme pain. I looked up a dental clinic in Fort Mohave, near Needles and started driving the 35 miles. I called them, they got me in and suggested a week of antibiotics to get the swelling down. I drove to the drug store, took double the dose of antibiotics before leaving the store, drove the bus a couple of blocks to an empty parking lot near the hospital emergency room in case it didn't work, took a valium and a dilaudid. An hour later the dilaudid hadn't worked so I took a second one and an hour and a half later, a third. Amazing pain. It finally broke about 9 pm and I was able to sleep.

The next morning drove back to my wilderness area. Went in the next Monday to have it pulled and then back to Turtle Mtn for a few days of recovery.

DJ on Roof Jaz in Background Paradise,Ca Nov 2010

Listening, Curious

Listening, Curious

I can hear the big pines right outside from root to crown
Feel the horses on the next mountain over frisky as the storm approaches
My body bends with the curvature of the earth

Listening...

Our egos are defined by that which is mirrored by others

Fear of what someone will think of me or that anyone WILL think of me comes up. The Relentlessness of the Divine. Quite a bit of discomfort especially in the second part of that first sentence. The fear that I will look into the mirror of others (who are reflecting back to me who I think I am) and there will be nothing there, no reflection, aloneness (the vampire analogy). She's taken away the need to make a living too so that common necessary reflection is gone. I don't need to be seen as a great yoga teacher or the a good restaurant manager or whatever. I don't need to be seen as competent, honest, dependable, nothing. There is no 'need' anywhere for positive reflection or any reflection at all.
Jesus Christ, I just want to fix the window of the RV or something but this stuff comes in as fast as i can track it.
Yet its good and we SHOULD reflect love back to those who ask and can get value from it even from an egoic level. "You ARE a great electrician or mother or whatever. You CAN do this. I see it in you."
So then I'm hammered, stuck in bed and have some resistance around it. No way that i can even contemplate in this now getting up to make breakfast let alone fix something on the RV.

Go deeper into the desert, further from civilization

After dinner last night, I left the warmth of friends and family and fire and laughter and came out to my RV and stood in front of the windshield, looking into the illuminated interior, my life, empty, alone and silent. Not a bad thing but there was a bit of sadness.

I awoke from a dream. The usual 5 am thing. I was part of a band of desert nomads, bedouin, let's say. We had camped with our animals, camels I suppose. A nearby group of British colonists who had apparently taken over the country complained about the noise of our camp and animals and politely said that they didn't want to have to kill us. Our tribal leader said that we would decamp and move deeper into the desert, further from our old routes and paths and that we would have to travel lighter. I asked if we'd be taking half of our gear or more like 10 percent. He said ten percent.

The dream felt pertinent to me as I prepare for my journey to the Southwest, deeper into the desert and farther away from civilization, friends and family.

The only way forward is to keep making mistakes

Making mistakes means you're working at it, chewing on the chains. How to do this thing? To break free of the limitations and attachments. To play, show up, allow it to unfold and show us what is true.

Further

It feels like I have been and am continuing to go through some fairly foundational transformative work. As often happens, it is driven by the body and its dramas. Body still feels like it requires lots of resting.

I am in a state of allowing, not wonder. Wonder would imply surprise. I am not surprised.

Holly, my dog, has been a fixture in many of my dreams. Like I take it for granted that she’s ‘here’ and yet I know she’s visiting me from the other side. I’m grateful for her showing up.

Gangaji talks about being not only willing but delighted if humanity enters a dark age. Sure seems like that’s where it’s going. Almost everyone I know is in complete denial about this. I’d like the world to be more compassionate but shouldn’t need it to be. Work towards it to the extent of my own ability but that starts with understanding me and my place in it and probably my contribution is to share that with others.

2:53 AM, I awake from a dream. Bink and I are going for coffee prior to a work day of logging with him. Another logger who has been relatively successful is sitting at the next table eating a steak and cinnamon roll for breakfast. He has the attitude of success and has earned it in human terms. He has worked hard and played his cards right.

My normal level of wanting to seem ‘as good as him’ arises. I get a little braggy about where I’ve been and what I’ve accomplished. I’m a tad defensive, puffed up.

I awaken from the dream and see this type of ‘not enoughness’ and defensiveness around it in many of my interactions with people. How many times have I told this or that story about my successes or achievements? And had the sense that I’m better than this person or that person. And it’s easy to get kudos or to get approval for this kind of behavior in others because we’re just all wounded, f’ed up egos. Every one of us injured, wounded children really. And I’m talking about the people who are WORKING their stuff. Not even the sick ones like Rove and Cheney and Obama and Geithner. Holy Freaking Shit!

And I have a problem with this system of learning and discovery. I’m in resistance to it. Like THIS is the best method of becoming that the universe could devise? Injure us as children, build a really screwed up bunch of people who turn the lovely globe into a wasteland and reinjure others? WTF! Then I laugh of course, but REALLY!

And I wake up and write this. I have these realizations and I think this is progress! That I’m getting somewhere! Developing some new level of understanding. Like there’s meaning in it. And think if I share it, others might get some understanding from it.

And we are ALL in this same state! Just because this person or that person wants an interaction with me, thinks I have something to offer doesn’t mean I’m doing a better job of awareness than someone else. It’s in part just that they view me through THEIR wounded lens, their filters.






It’s beyond, ‘this is a bizarre planet, hahah!’. It’s mind bogglingly incomprehensible that this is how we function. Those of us who are paying a little bit of attention REVERE those very few who seem to have transcended the slightest level of this ludicrous game. Adya, Gangaji, Jed McKenna.

In addition, many who would be as good or better at this than I are so busy just trying to survive that they don’t have the time and energy to spare for this work. Others think that some kind of magic or ritual, lighting candles in various colors and locations, bowing to the East on full moon Tuesdays, is going to make it at least safe to be here on earth if not create some magical way of entering into truth.

The only way this makes any LOGICAL sense (not that logic necessarily seems to be a motivating force in the universe) is if there IS reincarnation. That this lifetime we work on ‘A’ and next lifetime we work on ‘B’ and so on.

5:10 AM – back to sleep.

Oh. One more thing. It feels like if I just do immaculate self care that I can get the most from this experience as possible. Feels like there’s some value in that.

You are handed asset cards and challenge cards when you come into this life and throughout your life. Then you play the game with the cards you have. They can be changed and that’s part of the work. And it’s a big deal.

Surrender

Someone said something that triggered me in our conversation yesterday. It was about surrender. Why oh why do we have such a hard time with this? OMG. We KNOW, but we forget, especially when things seem 'hard'.

All the 'hards' aligned for me a couple days ago and knocked me to my knees.

The message this am is obvious. We all know this but sometimes what's obvious eludes me for a time esp when I'm in the throes of the 'hard stuff'.
The message is: Pain comes and goes! If u r alive there's gonna be pain! There is no escaping it! No amount of lovely blissful enlightenment can displace that. AND blissful enlightenment COMES and GOES! You don't make that happen either. The response to either state is the same! Surrender! Let them come. Let them go.

Adya in a 2007 Sun interview said something interesting like, 'I don't care how I feel' He admits to having feelings of angst. He just doesn't attach to either happiness or the angst.

I know this is obvious, but it stopped me in my tracks this am.

Core Story Work

Core Story Work –

I am full to overflowing with ‘not knowing’, open to whatever guidance comes. The answers appear as they will, often in the moment in which action must be taken and not before. It is clear that it is inappropriate, silly, futile, a waste of time and energy to try to answer the question before it is fully formed, ripe.

We spend precious hours of our lives planning, weighing options, wanting to know because it feels safe to know what tomorrow will look like and then we are living in a moment that hasn’t come instead of this moment and living in an unreal fantasy. It takes practice and courage to have that much faith. One does get better at it. Living in the not knowing develops a comfort zone with it.

The only thing the universe understands is action, when you physically take the plunge, jump into the abyss. Intention without action is empty and meaningless.

My normal MO has always been that I would feel some discomfort in my body/heart/mind and I would breathe into it and identify it and then often journal for quite a few pages about it in order to integrate it. It’s been interesting that for the past few months, when material has come up for me I’ve been able to write a few sentences about it and integrate it. That combined with daily meditation has kept me in a pretty peaceful state of mind and a state of acceptance including the acceptance of probable sickness and possible death. I have frequently experienced non abiding awakening, a connection to all that is, a realization that there is just this incredible rich and beautiful oneness and that nothing anywhere is ‘wrong’. Hard, yes. Painful, yes. Wrong, no.

The other thing that I’ve noticed is that my relationship to life has shifted dramatically. This has been a process that has taken years. When I was first diagnosed I felt like

‘Ok, well f*** it then, I’m outta here’ (and good riddance really was the underlying emotion). The corollary to that was, ‘Life has been hard, I’ve done my best to be a good human and a good parent, be honest and compassionate and helpful and loving and THIS is how you treat me? It hasn’t been that fun. I’m totally down with my departure and the next adventure.’

Simultaneously, I’ve also been aware that this entire life thing has been a conspiracy to do the healing work that would allow me to awaken from the dream state. And I’ve referred to myself as the most blessed man on the planet. I know that I am very much loved by lots of people and certainly by wildness that has supported me in so much of my life. I’ve been given these lovely gifts of love all along the way to support and nurture me in my work.

I’ve come to the point where although I’m not attached to being here on the planet, I really do appreciate and honor the experience of being alive. I’ve grown fond of it. Previously there was a tenaciousness that wanted to squeeze every last drop from the adventure. That’s still there, but it’s coming from a softer place, more like life and I are nurturing each other.

So, yesterday? The day before? I had a melt down. I put T on the shuttle, cleaned everything like a maniac, went to bed ultimately and woke up the next day unable to get warm although the thermostat was set to 80 and I was wearing layers of clothing including a thick sweater and a jacket. I knew in that moment that my physicality was pretty severely compromised. This body is the master in many ways of my experience. If I want to stay here and participate, I have to do what it tells me.

So I did do what the body was telling me. Exceptional self care, pills and naps and hyperthermia and good food. I am certainly not fully recovered physically. In fact, the body still feels pretty weak and tenuous and I’m aware that I can’t back off on the self care for some days.

Simultaneously I listened to the Core Story audio by Adya. I had listened to it previously but got more out of it this time. My core story, like a lot of people’s is a sense of inadequacy, not good enoughness, no matter how successful one is at whatever one has done, there’s no way to fill that hole. In Zen this is called the hungry ghost, all mouth and no stomach. Stuff all of the success you want into it and the reflections by others of that success and it will never be satiated.

Our tendency is to drop into stillness and wholeness where we know this is not true, but that’s a patch. We don’t like pain and are programmed to avoid it if possible. The core story will come up again and again. Adya says that the core story has really driven all of our existence and our decisions about life and how we’ve lived it and I can see that this is true for me. It has driven my desire for relationship, my desire to be seen as helpful, spiritual. He says that when the core story work is completed you’ll know because your activities will no longer be driven by it.

So instead of avoiding it, we drop into it, hold it, keep it in our awareness. I have the response of ‘why in the hell would ANYONE want to do this work? It’s hard and it’s painful.’

The same day, I did a body talk session with H in which it came up that I am unable to fulfill most of what I learned about what it is to be a man. That definition includes ‘provider and protector’, the strong macho get it done guy (especially with the Aries sun sign, oh my god). In that sense I have very little to offer, in that sense. I have no value as a man. She identified my anger and frustration about this. It totally tags into who I am in relationships. And of course it totally tags into my precognitive programming of not being enough, the hungry ghost.

It is the desire for consciousness to be present within me that brings the illusions to awareness over and over again. Consciousness that brings up the often difficult and painful learning.

Pain comes and goes. That’s the way life IS! There is NO WAY to be alive and be free from pain!

10/10/10

Today is my 47th month birthday since diagnosis. I'm always surprised when another month has gone by. I guess that keeps the experience of being here fresh. Helps me to appreciate each day. Amazing.

Galaxies and Stuff

So I was out a few mornings ago looking at the stars before dawn. There were LOTS of stars here without any city lights to mess them up and I started wondering if all the stars I was seeing were in OUR galaxy, the Milky Way or if some of them might be from the other estimated 100 billion galaxies that inhabit the cosmos. I came in after a bit and looked it up and discovered that with the unaided eye, we could see the Milky Way stars and the stars of ONE OTHER GALAXY, Andromeda. Andromeda is the closest galaxy to us and if we left right now and were able to travel at the speed of light we'd get there in 2.3 MILLION YEARS!

There are 100 billion galaxies each with an average of 100 billion planets and we can see ONE? And never get there in a million (or two) years?

WTF is up with that? What is the point of all of this stuff?

What a weird place to live. YOU figure it out. I can't.

Get out of your mind

WHEN I heard the learn’d astronomer;
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me;
When I was shown the charts and the diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them;
When I, sitting, heard the astronomer, where he lectured with much applause in the lecture-room,
How soon, unaccountable, I became tired and sick;
Till rising and gliding out, I wander’d off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.

Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass, 1900

Waiting for later to have a good moment

I have found myself aware that I am at times waiting for some event in order to have a 'good time'. 'When this thing occurs, I'll be having fun, or I'll be joyful.' How messed up is that? Why not have a good now, now? How about fully showing up in this moment for a deep, rich experience?

Absolute Reality vs. Relative Reality

I'm just doing my best to understand all this so I write it down.

In the Advaita understanding there is only one Absolute Truth and that is the fact that 'I exist'. Everything else is unverifiable. How do I know you really exist or that this computer really exists if in our dream state we can fabricate these things and these events. When you're sleeping and dreaming if you want a purple forest, bing! There it is, if you want tea with a friend, Bing! there it is. So I can't know with absolute certainty if what I'm doing in any given moment is a dream, but I CAN know that there is an 'I', and that's the only verifiable truth. This is also called Solipsism.

Then there is the reality that all of us share here, relative reality or consensual reality. We agree that this is a tree and that is a rock and that we are having lunch or whatever. This is the reality that the body, mind and ego inhabit and must contend with on a daily basis. When the body is hungry, we eat, when we're driving, we pay attention, when we're tired, we sleep. This is also the place where we are the product of our upbringing, we contend with our emotions. If we were trained to face each new task with fear, then at some point, if we want to show up in a different way for life, we must contend with that, look at it, observe the mind's and body's reactions to stimuli and overcome that programming.

There is work to do within relative reality and that work has outcomes. Achievements occur. We use the mind as a tool to unravel ways of thinking that limit our ability to fully experience life or to experience it with a broader range of emotional response.

Fear of Illness and Death

Besides being biologically wired for fear and also the experience of being brought up as a child in constant fear, I have the additional fear stimuli surrounding the effect that the cancer has on my body. There are many times when I feel sick or feel like something really bad is happening to my body. The mind and ego tend to freak out. 'We have to DO something about this NOW or we could DIE!' Adrenalin pumps into my system exacerbating this reaction. Within a few breaths I generally become aware that 'I' am doing all that I can to lessen the effects that are occurring in the moment. When I release the idea that there's something that I need to do, then there is just the experience of dizziness or nausea or the heart pounding or exhaustion or whatever is going on. It is the game we play here.

Sometimes, I just sit back and allow the mind and ego to freak out. The fear is still occurring but it isn't having any effect on my experience.

Fear

According to Rick Hansen, a neurologist, who spoke on the Beyond Awakening Series recently, the human brain is hardwired for fear. His quote was, "Fear is Velcro, Good Feelings are Teflon."

There's an entire structure in the brain devoted to fear, the sympathetic nervous system, the oldest and most primitive part of the brain. We're basically running outdated software on outdated hardware, but all is not apparently lost. The reason that original wiring was put into place was that historically although finding food and procreation were important, not being eaten by wild animals was MORE important to the survival of the species. Hansen claims that 2/3 of the cells in the amygdala (the brain's router) are wired for fear with only 1/3 wired for anything other than fear.

Of course in this day and age, there are few tigers wanting to eat us and the fear response is only really useful if we're trying to avoid a traffic accident or something of that nature. Because the fear response is so ingrained and prevalent, we utilize that response for other events, like when our beliefs or our ego is being threatened.

Hansen claims that we CAN rebuild those neural pathways so that when a non threatening event occurs we're less likely to respond from fear. He claims that when a good event occurs that we can strengthen a non fear response by spending 11 seconds appreciating the 'good' event. That's really only a couple of slow breaths. He further stated that meditation supports the strengthening of non fear neural pathways. His statement was that 'if you fire it, you wire it'. In other words if you allow yourself to have a particular type of response, you strengthen that pathway.

Lopez Island October 1

Lopez Otters

Went to Watmough Bay with bro. Saw otter family

WTF is my problem?

In what ways do my ‘injuries’ from childhood still keep me from showing up? In what ways do they impact my life?

I talked to J about the dream in which she says she’s tired of being influenced by this old stuff. It’s ok for her or me to help others but when people try to love us or help us or even TOUCH us, we flinch a bit just because we were betrayed or injured as freaking children when we truly needed assistance or support. I still have that. I’m afraid that whoever it is will pull the rug out from under me at some point, they won’t be there for me when I need them. Eeesh. And who needs who here? What do I ‘need’? What is a ‘need’ that god won’t provide? He may kill me but that’s beside the point, He may allow me to be stabbed to death on a street corner, but that’s beside the point. Come ON! Get this!

Jesus. Sometimes this seems incredibly slow. I’m STILL protecting the fragile little egoic self! Someone might hurt my f*ing feelings! Oh. My. God!

I get that when the experience and the experiencer become one, when the experience is no longer filtered through the ego/mind that the rules of the game are very different. I’ve had moments in which I’ve experienced it. I understand that in order to get to be ‘ok’ with death, that’s where it has to come from. If the ego is the one that’s experiencing death, htf is it going to be ok with that? If there is only the experience of leaving this body behind without the mindfuck of rational (mis)interpretation than it is just the experience. What good does that do you if you can’t get there and stay there? Yes, I assume that when ‘my time comes’ that I will at some point drop into that place, but I sure as heck would like to be able to hold it right now and not wait.

Back to Lopez

Just got back late morning. Hammered but ok. Ready for whatever's next. Been off island for 3 weeks mas o menos. 3 nights in Bellingham, 3 in Rockport, 4 in Marblemount, 2 in the Camping World parking lot in Burlington, 3 in Port Townsend, 1 more at CW, a night in Vancouver to hear and see Deva Premal and Mitten and Manose, 1 more night at CW and now Lopez again. Words fail me. The richness of experience is indescribable. There will be photos forthcoming...maybe.

Last night in Burlington, there was a bit more ego death (if you will). The knowing that 'it doesn't matter'. None of it. There is no meaning, there is the experience felt not through the mind body ego but directly experienced without interpretation. I could be in CW in Burlington, or on Lopez or in a tire store parking lot in Bishop, CA. I could or could not write a book or a poem. I show up. I am loved. I love. I sit with my palms open and up receiving. Or not.

The sky here tonight was 'the most beautiful night sky the world has ever devised'. At least that's what I was thinking a half hour ago. Half moon, fog in the pasture below, wisps of clouds, brilliant stars, tree frogs.

Fort Worden State Park, Port Townsend, WA

Predawn

I like those hours when it's still darkish
I like to watch the day come on. Once the sun's up an important part of the show shifts to something less dramatic.
And there's all that silence, emptiness. allows room for the questions and the empty handed listening.

Take Me Out Or Leave Me Alone

I tell her ‘Take me out or leave me alone!’ but she won't. She thinks its good to f**k with me . She’s never been wrong so far, I guess.

"Oh no" she says, "you got MORE work to do here! We're gonna stuff you in the stew pot and turn it on high, then throw you in the icy sea, then turn it back on, then run you through the food processor then back into the sea for awhile and then...”

And after all this time, I still don't got it all figured out, so see? 'Nice guy, needs work'
“How long?” I say. “How much longer?”

“Hah!” is the response. “Telling you would shortcut the process and you’d goof off most likely! Just shut up and simmer or swim…or whatever I have you doing in the moment.”

I'm trying to feel the patterns going forward, just sort of get a whiff, a scent,
the thread thing that's pulling me forward toward this godlight. Be aware of it and the directions it wants to tug me in. Meanwhile meditate, 'be', do the inquiry.

This am at 3, i went out and put my hands on the dirt and sensed again how the planet has loved and supported me and how much i love this little dirt ball and its wild critters and trees and rocks and things and how much it loves me.

And I try to figure out a way to show up for the physical part of my life, the doing part, because that's real and important too, even if it's ultimately meaningless. Maybe Something a bit more than writing emails to friends. don't know what yet.

Full moon setting with cows and old school

Coleville Point, Lopez Island

Hmmm, title. How about more random musings?

I wake up in the morning and immediately want to grasp for something that gives me meaning or makes me feel accepted and appreciated. Check my email, see who’s written me, check the news. It feels like ‘grab onto something quick! Grab onto something outside of myself to make me ok, feel loved, worthwhile’.

How hard is it to just drop into awareness and stay there? Experience this without the mind’s interpretation? The mind wants to ponder things that are fantasies, how I would build a house with straw bales, for instance, something that’s clearly NOT going to happen, but it gives the mind something to chew on, some kind of meaning. Or drop into a novel, someone else’s version of reality to avoid my own.

First I have to catch myself avoiding MY experience and then stay in it. There are the experiences we call ‘good’. I feel pretty good, the sun is out, I’m eating something I like and then there are the experiences we call ‘bad’. Rain, cold, pain, dizziness, loneliness. But we don’t show up for either. While I’m eating, I’ll be surfing the news instead of savoring the experience. The sun is out and I’ll notice it, go out in it, but stay busy within my mind rather than enjoy the feeling on my body.

God been poking at my heart today. I was given enough energy to go to the water, that was nice. Lovely places, beautiful. Could see Rainier and the Olympics and White Horse and Mt.Baker and to the East, the mainland and Whidbey and other islands.

I've been having a bit of sadness. Some tears. Not big, just noticing. I am missing the old danny who made plans and did them, the one who showed up for this dirtworld experience. Ok I have some plans, going to the mainland and the heli trip and Richard coming and stuff, but its not what I’m talking about. It’s the place where I say, ‘I’m going to fix Scott’s truck tomorrow’ or ‘maybe I’ll go to Blank in the fall or next summer. Or the one who learned all the birds and plants cuz he wanted to know and investing the energy into that was worth it; someone who had a future beyond next month or maybe the one after or maybe just the one after that. I'm just noticing. I'm not a part of what other people are doing to a large degree. Not morbid, not angst, just noticing and accepting, but it's a process. I don’t know how to be with it sometimes.

Even if i'm on earth for awhile yet, i'm still not part of most of this experience. i can be friendly with cashiers and listen while people talk about 'next year'.
and i love to play with Huggins and all of that.
That makes some sense to me. It's just new and different ground i guess.

It was an awesome day today. I just went out and there were a million little puffball clouds lit underneath by the rising moon through the trees, almost full which means I might get some rain on the mainland. Sometimes just after a full moon the weather here will do that.

Its a weird hand to be holding. If it had gone on for a year or two, it would have been one thing, but wow. and how much longer?
My muscles are a little sore from walking today. What an odd feeling. I used to get a little out of shape and then look forward to getting back in shape and I could. And I could push myself up a trail or on a bike and it might hurt a bit for a few days, but it would feel so awesome. As it is my ability to be physical is so limited that 'getting back in shape' or the experience of sore muscles is just an aberration, a discomfort, probably not leading anywhere.

My neck has actually been hurting for a good week or more, maybe just pinching some nerves or something.

It seems like the priority is this stuff I'm working about my 'way' of being in this world. I’m detached from two perspectives. One is the knowing that there is no egoic meaning to any of this, the other is my short timer status. I’m finding the balance between expressing myself and still just 'being' without the ‘me’go-mind.
What do i 'do'? How do I express the hours and days that are left to me?
How do I function in this physical realm for this period of time?
How do I respond?

There IS a plan. There is an invisible thread going out from me and my experience forward. I can't see very far where it leads but I am being pulled forward along it. It's important that I show up for it fully. More important than ever. Once I have a handle on that, the relationship with certain others will become more clear, but there are some things I have to uncover first and be able to hold in the palms of my outstretched hands, gingerly, softly like a tender baby animal, with presence, making sure it is not frightened or alarmed. And that nascent animal is my experience, my life.
It is the only work i have to do, show up for it I will. Everything else comes from that place. It is relentless.

Day 6 of some low energy stuff

The first 3 days were pretty much in bed. On the fourth day, I was given a couple of hours of energy so I hurried up and did the dishes and cleaned the place and took a shower before the 'ick' came back. Yesterday I had enough energy to entertain a friend for awhile, pet some cows :-) and made lunch in between laying on the bed kinda trying not to pass out. Today hasn't been a lot better. Wonder if this is the new plateau or not. I'm aware at times that this bare minimum maintenance mode is kind of a boring life and not terribly interesting. We'll see what happens next.

Carly comes tomorrow to help with taxes and paperwork. I want to get things 'settled' so I can let it go.

On Thursday, I'm taking the bus to Bellingham for a few days to hang with Carly and Hugs and Jim and then Rockport to Mike and Ann's and then Marblemount to see the tribe up there. God willing, of course. Looking forward to the bit of adventure, change, whatever.

Farther

Passage, immediate passage! the blood burns in my veins!
Away O soul! hoist instantly the anchor!
Cut the hawsers—haul out—shake out every sail!
Have we not stood here like trees in the ground long enough?
Have we not grovel’d here long enough, eating and drinking like mere brutes?
Have we not darken’d and dazed ourselves with books long enough?
Sail forth—steer for the deep waters only,
Reckless, O soul, exploring, I with thee, and thou with me,
For we are bound where mariner has not yet dared to go,
And we will risk the ship, ourselves and all.

O my brave soul!
O farther farther sail!
O daring joy, but safe! are they not all the seas of God?
O farther, farther, farther sail!

Messed up again

Intensely dizzy and exhausted this past 3 days. At times, unable to be out of bed. Of course the mind wants to plan around it, fix it, figure it out, but there's really nothing much for it to do.

There is the realization that at some point this whole game comes to an end and is 'rounded with a sleep'. Poof. Gone.

Prospero:
Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd tow'rs, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.
The Tempest Act 4, scene 1, 148–158

Lopez Island

And if I remove myself from the experience
There is just the pink and blue sky
The cry of the gull
The pleasant sound of the waves gently lapping
The shellfish and seaweed smell of the sea
Gratitude
And a gentle, sweet sadness
That my heart isn’t big enough to hold it all.

And if I didn't get up in the morning and go down to the sea to light a candle for the sun, how would it know where to come?

Lopez Ferry Landing Eagle

Everyone who lives in the NW HAS to have taken at least one good bald eagle photo, right?

A poem that a friend wrote for me

made a friend recently
it is a most tenuous friendship
he can be taken at any moment
being very sick but ...

his grace, his poise, his humor
infect me with life, with
the power of spirit
indomitable, overcoming

even in weakness
especially in weakness
I find such strength
in his, in my ~ frailty

the pain in my life
has been such a grand companion
learned so much in the rain
that the sun seems almost dim

nothing sticks anymore
it washes away but ...
that makes it all the more precious
all the more fine ...

we talk of love, of suffering
of illness and death
we laugh at these subjects
most morbidly, most entertainingly

we walk the razor's edge
with sureness of step
calmness of mind ~ (well, sometimes)
terrified and unafraid

is anything ever wrong?
my friend asks ...
well yes, of course
but then again, no ...

Charlie Gee 7/10/10

Don't remember the name of this Eugene City RV Park, but it was pretty great.

From Yuma To Carlsbad Beach to Chico

The by myself adventure through the Southwest was over before it really began. I made some lovely connections and did some very deep spiritual and emotional work, but it became increasingly clear that being out on the road by myself was ill advised. I headed back to San Diego stopping with friends there again for a few nights and then up to Carlsbad beach where I parked for 3 nights.

From there I went to Lake Skinner for 1 night and then North where I spent a night in Fresno and then arrived in Chico/Paradise for about a week. Then I headed North again. Got as far as Yreka, spent a night in an RV park and made it to Eugene where I camped at a pretty empty city RV park on the McKenzie River for 8 nights.

By the time I arrived in Eugene, I was hammered and spent most of the week in bed. Friends invited me over for breakfast on Sunday and I was able to reconnect with some of the scamps from the previous summer's retreat near Ashland.

Rob had offered to take the train down to Eugene from Mt. Vernon to 'get me' and I pretty much needed to be rescued at that point. I may have a few photos from Eugene. Lemme check.

More Lovely Fear

I wake up in fear...again. What will become of me? Oh! I know, I know! The ego mind and body will die! And yeah, living on the dirtball is a small percentage of what we are, but shoot it's the only reality that I'm really familiar and comfortable with. I'm not any worse physically that I can tell (other than rapid tumor growth) but the fear in this moment feels debilitating. I see it, I'm aware of it, I know it's just attachment to being embodied.

Then you fall off the wagon again

What? Did you expect to hold onto freedom all the time?
You think that when you get there, that's it?
Your work here is done?
You can be above it all for the remainder of your days?
You can be at peace all the time?

I've always had to work pretty hard at whatever I wanted to get good at and this is no exception.
This is one of those places where intelligence is probably not helpful and in fact may be harmful.
This is not one of those things like calculating the sun's angle of incidence at 1 pm for a particular geographical position and time of year.
It's not like figuring out a better way to manage a couple of dozen employees.
In many respects it doesn't have a dirtworld application.

After being so comfortable and confident and feeling like there's some sense in all this (a lovely high, btw) the slightest little toe stub sends you reeling back to the pits of your self created hell. Maybe it's the contrast between states that makes it so hard.

Even though I KNOW that there's treasure in the dark hard places even THAT can seem so pointless on the level of existence.

I was pretty sick for a number of days in a row. I don't know how to describe it. Like the life force is SO low that you're floating in the tween state between embodiment and death for hours. Sometimes that feels painful, sometimes I am merely curious. Sometimes it feels like I'm hanging on for 'dear life'.

That's just my truth. No holds barred. My quality of life was pretty dismal there for a bit. Then being here DOES seem pointless.

When you ask god, beg him/her to go all the way into complete knowing, you're jumped onto the back of an animal that you have absolutely no control over. You've entered a realm that is going to take you to your own personal hell over and over and over again. Maybe you'll come back and maybe you won't. There are no guarantees and you can't back out or change your mind.

Push yourself up off the ground again, can you sit, can you stand? No mercy. Is there a reward at the end of this? Is it worth it?

Yumazone Storm!

So one of the other things that happened shortly after I got there was this hurricane like 48 hour storm. The photo of the dry and dead looking Ocotillo is similar to what they all looked like before the storm, the green one with red flowers is what they looked like 24 hours afterwards.

The storm raged so hard that water came in through the seals in the window and I was getting sea sick from being rocked so hard for so long. After the first 24 hours I was surrounded by raging creeks which swept away my bird feeders.

The last photo was the dawn afterwards. During this whole storm I was really sick and kinda half hallucinatory anyway so this felt REALLY kinda biblical!

Yumazone Continued

Safely ensconced in the desert near Yuma, i set out to heal myself and simultaneously was forced to learn a bit more about off grid camping. I was in bed again for about a week after arriving. I'd made sure to fill the water tanks and fridge so I was good for down time. After a week, i thought i'd plan a day in Yuma. I was still pretty messed up but it was only a 12 minute drive and i knew I could just hit a parking lot and crash for awhile if I hit the wall.
I did some research looking for some kind of health food store for organic produce, came up with one (in a town of 86k!), went there and it was boarded up. Ok, don't get me started on Yuma. The store with the most organic produce in this pretty big place is guess where? Walmart!.

I managed to do a few things while I was in Yuma. I'll be brief as possible.
1. I installed a solar panel and charging system so i could live off grid.
2. i found some peeps starting a Course in Miracles group and attended the first 3 meetings.
3. I discovered that no human was going to rescue me from my emotional work that it was just me and god here and that was IT! Big work on this one. You'd have to know my personal 'story' to know what I'm talking about and this isn't the place to air that.

After 3 weeks of very marginal subsistence and self care I realized that I was NOT capable of being on my own anymore. Eeesh! Dang! Ouch!

So I did a bunch of emotional work on that one. Not fun. and meanwhile was having all of the lovely out of body experiences and rivetingly realistic dreams and was consistently amazed every morning that I was still alive. I'd look out the window and say, "OH! Wow! I'm STILL HERE!!! What do I do now??? Oh Yeah! I remember! Make coffee!

So i came to the conclusion that 1. If i went for dental work, it'd probably kill me. 2. If i was heading out, I needed to spend some time with my daughter and grandson. and 3. I had to go someplace where i knew somebody.

The adventure was over.

Half way up Pilot Knob. This is early January! Loved the warmth, probably 80 that day.

Chocolate Mountains, North of Pilot Knob

Algodones, MX from top of Pilot Knob

Motor home at Pilot Knob, near Yuma, AZ

Jaz from the bottom of Pilot Knob.

Motor home at Pilot Knob, near Yuma, AZ

This is my RV, Jazzy parked at Pilot Knob, West of Winterhaven, CA.

Yumazone

So that afternoon, after driving the last hour toward Yuma, I started looking at all of the freeway exits off to the side for signs of rogue campers. I'd previously located an RV parts place on the far side of Yuma and drove there noting clusters of RV's at a few of the exits. I'd kinda set my sites on one of the first ones that I'd come to which was unbenkownst to me actually in CA, just before the AZ line.

After buying whatever the heck was so precious that in my messed up state I was willing to drive past a parking place, I returned to a BLM off grid RV site known (I came to find out) as Pilot Knob. I trundled out past the check in spot (yep, the had a camp host) into the desert across what is known as desert pavement, a natural pavement of stones. It was rough going for Jazzy, but we found a spot out at the Southern end of the place probably a couple of football fields from the MX border.

Pix coming

From Yuma to Lopez Island and stuff

So I guess I'm going to continue the saga of my travels and probable what...death? I guess that's what it is. Sorry if that seems sorta crude or direct or something.

As you probably don't remember from last time I was heading toward Nogales to get some dental work done. I headed east from San Diego. It took me 4 days to drive the 3 hours from San Diego to Yuma. I drove about 45 minutes the first day and started realizing that things were looking pretty weird out the window of the motor home and then realized that it was me, so I pulled off at a Native American Reservation RV Park in Alpine, in California, in the desert, go figure. Nice folks there. I spent two nights and days in bed, trying not to pass out, passing out, sleeping, whatever, accompanied by all of the usual amazing realistic dreams that had all kinds of meaning at the time.

The 3rd day, since I was blowing $30/night on 'camping' I decided I might be able to make it the rest of the way, maybe a couple hours, to Yuma via El Centro, where they have a Costco where I'd planned to stock up. I was going to be staying in the desert near Yuma, parked for free on BLM land so it seemed like a good idea to have some food on board.

I started down the road and was buffeted by pretty high winds, so stopped at a Casino for breakfast and a break thinking that the wind might die down after awhile. Then wandered on to El Centro where I crashed again, big time, hard, in the Walmart parking lot, which was right next door to the Costco and more likely to allow me to spend a night, I figured. It was about 2 pm when I put it in park, pulled the shades and crawled into bed. It was a long day and a long night. I don't know how much I slept or what I did, but there was a lot of angst. One of my biggest fears on leaving Chico was dying in a rest area alone. So I trumped that, a Walmart in El Centro, land of people who have breathed too many pesticide fumes it seemed to me.

Sometime in the late morning, I managed to grab a cart that had drifted over to the RV and using it to hold myself up made my way through the Walmart. I wanted to get to Yuma where I could park long term and I needed groceries. Barely managed to get through Walmart without falling (don't want to fall in a Walmart for SURE. It seems to be an immediate 911 call, right?).

I was pretty determined to drive that last hour to Yumazone and I did manage to do that. Pix and description of that affair in the next post, k?

Torrey PInes

Torrey PInes

Torrey Pines

Torrey PInes

Morning January 3, Rough Night

Got to my friends in Del Mar (near San Diego), parked in their driveway, with a great view of Torrey Pines State Park and the Pacific. Pix to come.
Shortly after arrival I was thrashed and on the floor. That continued through the day, evening and night and still pretty messed up this morning. Like you'd think I'd get used to it, but I went from fear to worry to curiosity. Like, 'how exactly am I supposed to pull this off?'. Then acceptance and lo and behold, there's joy behind that. The natural joy that we all are.

My friend Howard says that past intense suffering develops present gratitude. Wow. I know that one. A day simply not being ‘sick’ makes me want to dance and even a few minutes of physical wellness has the same effect a lot of the time. And I can even get it up for being joyous when not well much of the time as I am in this mo’.

‘Listening to the silence’ totally works for me.

Prado Park New Years Day