Thursday, June 23, 2011

Interesting Day

Interesting Day
I rode the bike 7 miles today and pushed it, then later swam and then to a restaurant with P, then got bigtime hammered. Too much exercise and sun and activity in a single day probably or the big whatever just decided to knock me flat. For awhile there I was in resistance to feeling pretty sick and I noticed that there was sadness.
Someone referred to me as a snob today in a kidding sort of way and although I wasn't offended, I did say that that didn't fit for me. Snob being someone who negatively judges others. I replied that I was not a snob, but that I was 'discerning'. I know what I like and am willing to invest in and what I'm not willing to invest in.
Life will never be the same for me, even if i have a guarantee of 20 more years. I know that every moment is precious. I know what life is not now. It is not the way i was before diagnosis and prior to the pretty tough suffering. I even used to think that I needed to 'make a difference' in the world, make something better, save the whales or prevent injustice or something like that. Now I know that the only thing worth doing is being fully present, fully aware of what's going on with me and in me. I'm not totally there yet of course. I see the little ego thing pop up once in awhile for a second wondering how this me is being viewed by someone else and then it pretty quickly turns into something humorous. There's no self judgment in it or shame or any of that. Just a giggle.
And yeah, I'm not willing to spend time with people who are sleep walking, not much anyway. There are some instances where that is necessary, but I minimize it. I'm not going to spend time watching some inane movie or doing anything else that doesn't fill me up.
I guess that's about it for now. Thanks for listening.

Monday, June 13, 2011


Is finished.
Nothing is right.
Nothing is as it should be.
All love will be betrayed.
All pain will be ended.
All suffering will be bliss
And all bliss suffering.
All good will be punished.
All good will be rewarded.
Evil will be worshipped.
Evil will be destroyed.
Suffering and bliss are one.
This is the truth.
There is no truth.
There is just is.