Thursday, May 24, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
And then there's this. Being prepared at any time to leave the body thing behind with all that entails (sometimes fear of what comes after (the unknown), sometimes fear of how the process might occur, some kind of weird longing for the events I might miss as an embodied being) and at the same time, knowing positively that this can be healed NOW (maybe will be, maybe not and it's not up to me) and that my direct and powerful participation is required for that to happen.
Let me try this on. I'm talking to myself here so don't take it as anything more than that, k? Any of us could die before the hour hand completes another circuit of the clock face. It's not about dying well. Die kicking and screaming if that seems appropriate. It's about how I show up for the LIFE part. "Carpe F'ing Vitae!" as Jed M. would say. Living fully in every moment, not just fully in the mind and body, but also in the being that temporarily INHABITS the mind and body. This is not something to try to remember or a goal because it is not something that the mind can achieve or even strive for. The mind CAN be used as a candle to dimly illuminate THIS, but neither the candle nor its light IS THIS. So how does it occur then? Intention is helpful, but much more than that is required. Hmmm. I'm doing it in this moment (or more accurately expressed, it is occurring, since it ain't me doing it). How did I get here?
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Working to not only maintain some sort of normal life, dishes, cooking, laundry etc after a major medical event, putting those pieces back into place, but also to be attuned, to not only listen but ask, "Should I do this, that, lay down, do some work?" At the same time observing the attitude with which I navigate the moments. Am I in resistance to this event? How does pain affect that attitude? The growth on my neck looks increasingly bizarre and I'm sure even more gruesome to many people. I don't want to freak out the general public. It even smells bad, probably negatively affects the romantic side of our relationship. And through all that it IS! It just is what it is. Very real. Sometimes I avoid looking at it for days in a row, but that's just avoidance. I've been wearing a hand towel folded in thirds long ways around my neck held in place by a cut off yoga belt. I'm sure that looks interesting. Maybe I need to get a cervical collar so it looks more normal. Mostly my attitude is good, I'm almost always happy, but sometimes the snark creeps in. Just trying to deal with reality. Went to the rocky ocean front last night in the dark in the wind. Kanaloa, ocean god said, "Yeah, I have the power to blow you and your truck right off this rock into the ocean and You/I have the power to heal that thing on your neck too. Continue your work, not prove your worthiness, but go deeper than you've imagined you can, further than anyplace you thought could exist. Keep going." What do I say to that, right? OK then, ok.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
There comes a time when we realize that we are the ocean, the singularity and that the singularity is omnipotent. This is not faith or understanding or knowledge, it is not mind stuff, it is instead knowing. Then the choice becomes are we (am I) going to live that knowing, accept that much power, or are we (am I) going to continue to choose to identify with the little me, controlled and buffeted by some imaginary deity that we imagine is separate from ourselves?
"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves... Don't search for answers now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. You will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." -Rainer Maria Rilke. Shared from Deva Premal.