Wednesday, June 13, 2012


Yeah, now don't freak out. We signed up for legal reasons and for pain mgmnt. Legally, Pamela is in the clear if I'm listed and something happens to me and they have WAY better ways of dealing with pain, basically fentanyl patches that are time release so I'm not constantly trying to manage the place in between dingyness and being in pain. I'm AMAZED at how much of my energy that was taking, just holding the pain and then being too messed up to be able to do anything. I'm very happy and feeling SO much better and so much more able to participate. Of course there was some emotional fall out, having to ask for help, receiving, etc and then the little packages in the mail with all the 'what to do ifs' and weird bottles of pills and stuff, but we're over that and having fun again. Love to all.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Sadness is both a natural and healthy expression of loss. It's integrative. It can also be an expression of resistance to what is real when overly indulged. I am struggling with it this morning, asking the divine for more ability to cope. Always heart breaking more open.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

I think there is meaning in everything, some reason that we should work to illuminate. I have yet to find value in chronic pain. Any theories? I'm grateful for opiates. Thats all I got so far. :-) Not looking for sympathy, looking for ideas. Pain makes me cranky. Robs my motivation. Gives me compassion. But day after day? Responses: "Maybe the value isn't in the experience itself but in the ability to be able to transcend it....however that may be.... I bet Steven Levine has some beautiful words about it.." "I hear ya brother. I hate pain. I'm lucky that I haven't had to experience much of it but when it arrives it gets real old real fast. When I've been able to really release myself into my pain, you know, become one with it and let go of my suffering and attachment to not having it...then it's okay (not great but okay) But that is a very difficult thing for me to do. Very difficult. I hate pain. It makes me cranky too." And my reply: Thanks for all your help everyone. There is no doubt that being in resistance to it improves neither the pain nor my happiness. I've been holding onto the way I USED to experience my body. Attached to that. Such an engrained viewpoint and source of ego pride. The power of the subconscious programming always amazes me. Rewiring. Feeling the little neural pathways detaching, finding new connections.