Saturday, November 20, 2010

DJ on Roof Jaz in Background Paradise,Ca Nov 2010

Listening, Curious

Listening, Curious

I can hear the big pines right outside from root to crown
Feel the horses on the next mountain over frisky as the storm approaches
My body bends with the curvature of the earth


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Our egos are defined by that which is mirrored by others

Fear of what someone will think of me or that anyone WILL think of me comes up. The Relentlessness of the Divine. Quite a bit of discomfort especially in the second part of that first sentence. The fear that I will look into the mirror of others (who are reflecting back to me who I think I am) and there will be nothing there, no reflection, aloneness (the vampire analogy). She's taken away the need to make a living too so that common necessary reflection is gone. I don't need to be seen as a great yoga teacher or the a good restaurant manager or whatever. I don't need to be seen as competent, honest, dependable, nothing. There is no 'need' anywhere for positive reflection or any reflection at all.
Jesus Christ, I just want to fix the window of the RV or something but this stuff comes in as fast as i can track it.
Yet its good and we SHOULD reflect love back to those who ask and can get value from it even from an egoic level. "You ARE a great electrician or mother or whatever. You CAN do this. I see it in you."
So then I'm hammered, stuck in bed and have some resistance around it. No way that i can even contemplate in this now getting up to make breakfast let alone fix something on the RV.

Go deeper into the desert, further from civilization

After dinner last night, I left the warmth of friends and family and fire and laughter and came out to my RV and stood in front of the windshield, looking into the illuminated interior, my life, empty, alone and silent. Not a bad thing but there was a bit of sadness.

I awoke from a dream. The usual 5 am thing. I was part of a band of desert nomads, bedouin, let's say. We had camped with our animals, camels I suppose. A nearby group of British colonists who had apparently taken over the country complained about the noise of our camp and animals and politely said that they didn't want to have to kill us. Our tribal leader said that we would decamp and move deeper into the desert, further from our old routes and paths and that we would have to travel lighter. I asked if we'd be taking half of our gear or more like 10 percent. He said ten percent.

The dream felt pertinent to me as I prepare for my journey to the Southwest, deeper into the desert and farther away from civilization, friends and family.