Monday, April 18, 2011

I've just stopped the noise long enough to hear

I am, of course, my own Relentless Bitch™
I am my own consciousness
I am my own ‘all that is’
It’s not some entity speaking to me from someplace outside of myself. It’s just this one thing, one consciousness, my own consciousness, not different than anything else, not two.
I don’t need anyone else’s words or ideas about consciousness
I don’t need anyone pointing at the moon. I can see the moon clearly myself.
I’ve just stopped the noise, in this moment, for long enough to hear.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Dream about doing the work

My dreams are extremely rich again lately, like I'm fully alive in this other place and only come back to consensual reality with some adjustment time necessary. In today's dream, I own a boat, pull into a marina on a busy holiday weekend. All slips are occupied and more boats are coming in. A black guy comes to the slip. I'm aware that I need to get fuel and water and vacate the slip as soon as possible to make room for others. The black guy helps me and walks away. As I'm ready to pull out I notice the boat is quickly filling with water and is capsized. I realize that I'm going to have to go get the black guy and that we're going to have to pull the boat out for repairs. I also realize that it's going to be expensive to pull the boat and buy parts and I'm going to have to do the work myself to save money. I'm resigned but ready to go forward with the project.

My body is the vehicle (the boat) which is being 'invited' to rejoin oneness; the ocean of being (the sea) and that in order to pull off staying embodied, I'm going to have to do the work. Yeah, I've been doing 'the work' but there's always more. Can't let up. Keep working. Each day is like starting over, as if I've not begun, like there's another piece, more, further. I'm beginning from a new place on the path having hiked long and hard to get this far, but of course there's no turning back or resting on your laurels. It doesn't matter how far one has come. Yesterday doesn't count really toward today's progress. Keep going.
Not in resistance but more like resignation. As in, "Boy, OK, but this is going to take some work." It doesn't feel like I'm sinking or like there's anything wrong with the death thing. It's an invitation to rejoin, not a problem at all, but the message that I must keep going.

The amazing ego thing

I'm wowed by watching the ego in the throes of trying to maintain control. ANY control via ANY mechanism, ANY emotion, ANY judgment, ANY thought or all of the above pinballing from one to the other. And all the heart wants to do is LET FREAKIN GO!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Mostly to move the tumor photo further down the page

I am aware that whether we (any and all of us) have one more day or 30 more years, that THIS day (or moment) is gone forever and has no more reality than a dream. There is a gratitude and sadness in that knowing. We often attempt to avoid the sadness. fill that hole and thereby miss THIS new and unfolding now. Life is an experience of everchangingness. Constantly I surrender the passing moment. Unless I forget, get stuck in trying to grab it. It's gone, now this one is gone as well.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The tumor, 4_07_11

I've been reluctant to post this cuz it's not very attractive and yeah, I still don't really want to be the cancer guy. But, maybe you can help? This is from Pamela's sister and yeah, it's hoodoo, but no one does hoodoo like youdo, so what the heck. Can't hurt right? Using this pic below of the tumor, you can put your index, middle and thumb together in a pen/pointer shape, and send white light out of the finger tips, then move rapidly over the surface of the tumor to break up the energetic congestion. This is an energetic healing ultrasound that can really make a difference! Thanks to Pamela's sister, Michele for this! ♥

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Just more resistance

So I try this on. “If a large, oozing, somewhat painful tumor on the side of my neck is what the universe wants for me, then that’s what I want for me too.”

Easy for me to hold that if the universe wants to cure it than I want to cure it too, but the previous statement presents one hell of a challenge for me. “Nothing is ever wrong in my world” Nisargadatta.

It’s the relentless divine continuing to pound away at my belief that what I am IS this body and mind.

Trying to hold that it’s getting better and leaving my body becomes a challenge when I see it getting larger and angrier looking week by week.

I’ve been in major resistance. Everyf*ingthing is just WRONG! Foreclosures, politics, slow people in grocery stores, traffic, weather. And then I see the lilacs in bloom and a little girl in the store who is playing and those things are ‘right’! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh! F*k! Ick!

And all of my resistance is just f*ing suffering and all I have to do is allow my f*ing heart to f*ing break again. LET the sadness happen. ALLOW the fact that I don’t f*ing know shit! That I CAN’T DO THIS SHIT! I can’t hold this. I don’t know how. It’s beyond my abilities. I don’t have the courage. I don’t have the strength. It’s too much to expect of me. You can put all of the “I’s” and “me’s” in quotes if that helps. It’s totally clear and right to me that the ego/mind thing CAN’T deal with this. That surrender is the constant and that “I” can’t do that either.

Jumping off the cliff in total surrender

The information was clear. Not like I didn’t revisit it constantly for months. ‘Are you sure?!!!!” It didn’t say “Follow the instructions and you’ll be ok, you’ll be taken care of.” Just “Sell the land, get in the RV and drive away from your life.” No hint of a warranty like, “Your satisfaction guaranteed or double your money (or your life) back.” As I acted on the instructions all these zillions of tiny little pieces began falling into place to make it happen. The land sold without even advertising it. The old RV sold before I was sure I was going to sell it. Someone called the same day and wanted to buy my truck. Miraculously my disability went through in 2 months instead of the usual 6-12 months, facilitated by a Social Security employee who when I called back to thank her was just gone. No one in the office could tell me who she was.

When I got in the RV the first time and drove away, I didn't know if I was gonna hit the right or left turn signal when I got to I 5. I figured it was just as likely that I would die alone in a rest area as live for another 6 months. I was taking action that was obviously 'indicated' without any thought for the possible consequences.

I'm still learning to do this. It’s not like there’s some achievement that you can bank on later. Awareness, consciousness has no shelf life. Just because I was 'tuned in' to the divine yesterday doesn't mean that I’m going to feel connected to it today, though it does get easier with cumulative experience (I think). Wanting to be connected doesn't make it happen. It actually blocks it because I’m interpreting the lack as something being ‘wrong’ with what currently exists. All I can do is peel away the layers of filtering between myself and the little quiet voice. Peel away layers of fear and egoic attachment and suddenly I peel back the last layer not even knowing it is the last layer and then like the last layer of an onion, there's just nothing. Nothing. And I’m home. At least for awhile. Until I discover the next dragon, fear, layer. And I start again with no goal, no guarantee of any kind. And each time it feels like it might kill me. It’s not some small controllable process with a known outcome. It’s jumping off the cliff in total surrender.