Hospice

Yeah, now don't freak out. We signed up for legal reasons and for pain mgmnt. Legally, Pamela is in the clear if I'm listed and something happens to me and they have WAY better ways of dealing with pain, basically fentanyl patches that are time release so I'm not constantly trying to manage the place in between dingyness and being in pain. I'm AMAZED at how much of my energy that was taking, just holding the pain and then being too messed up to be able to do anything. I'm very happy and feeling SO much better and so much more able to participate. Of course there was some emotional fall out, having to ask for help, receiving, etc and then the little packages in the mail with all the 'what to do ifs' and weird bottles of pills and stuff, but we're over that and having fun again. Love to all.

update

So I haven't posted in awhile. I've been playing with a new med, low dose naltrexone. It's a weird one. Normally given to opiate addicts, it blocks the opioid receptors in the cells. If taken at the dosage given to addicts it keeps them from wanting the drugs by blocking the receptors. When taken in a low dose at night before bed, the receptors are blocked so the cells start creating tons more opioid receptors and the body starts creating lots of natural opioids like endorphins (which are responsible for most of the killer cells in the body) then when the naltrexone wears off by the very early morning, the receptors open up and the endorphins and other killer cells can go in and attack the cancer. The side effect can be outrageous levels of fatigue. Getting the dose right has been an experiment. I'm now at 3 mg/day. Addicts get 50 mg/day. Low dose naltrexone is also used for other immune deficiency diseases like MS, AIDS and lupus. I'm only now getting a handle on my energy levels. BUT, the tumor has gotten smaller after only 5 weeks. That's really cool. Maybe I'll post new pictures of the tumor soon.

The tumor, 4_07_11

I've been reluctant to post this cuz it's not very attractive and yeah, I still don't really want to be the cancer guy. But, maybe you can help? This is from Pamela's sister and yeah, it's hoodoo, but no one does hoodoo like youdo, so what the heck. Can't hurt right? Using this pic below of the tumor, you can put your index, middle and thumb together in a pen/pointer shape, and send white light out of the finger tips, then move rapidly over the surface of the tumor to break up the energetic congestion. This is an energetic healing ultrasound that can really make a difference! Thanks to Pamela's sister, Michele for this! ♥

Just more resistance

So I try this on. “If a large, oozing, somewhat painful tumor on the side of my neck is what the universe wants for me, then that’s what I want for me too.”

Easy for me to hold that if the universe wants to cure it than I want to cure it too, but the previous statement presents one hell of a challenge for me. “Nothing is ever wrong in my world” Nisargadatta.

It’s the relentless divine continuing to pound away at my belief that what I am IS this body and mind.

Trying to hold that it’s getting better and leaving my body becomes a challenge when I see it getting larger and angrier looking week by week.

I’ve been in major resistance. Everyf*ingthing is just WRONG! Foreclosures, politics, slow people in grocery stores, traffic, weather. And then I see the lilacs in bloom and a little girl in the store who is playing and those things are ‘right’! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh! F*k! Ick!

And all of my resistance is just f*ing suffering and all I have to do is allow my f*ing heart to f*ing break again. LET the sadness happen. ALLOW the fact that I don’t f*ing know shit! That I CAN’T DO THIS SHIT! I can’t hold this. I don’t know how. It’s beyond my abilities. I don’t have the courage. I don’t have the strength. It’s too much to expect of me. You can put all of the “I’s” and “me’s” in quotes if that helps. It’s totally clear and right to me that the ego/mind thing CAN’T deal with this. That surrender is the constant and that “I” can’t do that either.

Fear of Illness and Death

Besides being biologically wired for fear and also the experience of being brought up as a child in constant fear, I have the additional fear stimuli surrounding the effect that the cancer has on my body. There are many times when I feel sick or feel like something really bad is happening to my body. The mind and ego tend to freak out. 'We have to DO something about this NOW or we could DIE!' Adrenalin pumps into my system exacerbating this reaction. Within a few breaths I generally become aware that 'I' am doing all that I can to lessen the effects that are occurring in the moment. When I release the idea that there's something that I need to do, then there is just the experience of dizziness or nausea or the heart pounding or exhaustion or whatever is going on. It is the game we play here.

Sometimes, I just sit back and allow the mind and ego to freak out. The fear is still occurring but it isn't having any effect on my experience.

Day 6 of some low energy stuff

The first 3 days were pretty much in bed. On the fourth day, I was given a couple of hours of energy so I hurried up and did the dishes and cleaned the place and took a shower before the 'ick' came back. Yesterday I had enough energy to entertain a friend for awhile, pet some cows :-) and made lunch in between laying on the bed kinda trying not to pass out. Today hasn't been a lot better. Wonder if this is the new plateau or not. I'm aware at times that this bare minimum maintenance mode is kind of a boring life and not terribly interesting. We'll see what happens next.

Carly comes tomorrow to help with taxes and paperwork. I want to get things 'settled' so I can let it go.

On Thursday, I'm taking the bus to Bellingham for a few days to hang with Carly and Hugs and Jim and then Rockport to Mike and Ann's and then Marblemount to see the tribe up there. God willing, of course. Looking forward to the bit of adventure, change, whatever.

Then you fall off the wagon again

What? Did you expect to hold onto freedom all the time?
You think that when you get there, that's it?
Your work here is done?
You can be above it all for the remainder of your days?
You can be at peace all the time?

I've always had to work pretty hard at whatever I wanted to get good at and this is no exception.
This is one of those places where intelligence is probably not helpful and in fact may be harmful.
This is not one of those things like calculating the sun's angle of incidence at 1 pm for a particular geographical position and time of year.
It's not like figuring out a better way to manage a couple of dozen employees.
In many respects it doesn't have a dirtworld application.

After being so comfortable and confident and feeling like there's some sense in all this (a lovely high, btw) the slightest little toe stub sends you reeling back to the pits of your self created hell. Maybe it's the contrast between states that makes it so hard.

Even though I KNOW that there's treasure in the dark hard places even THAT can seem so pointless on the level of existence.

I was pretty sick for a number of days in a row. I don't know how to describe it. Like the life force is SO low that you're floating in the tween state between embodiment and death for hours. Sometimes that feels painful, sometimes I am merely curious. Sometimes it feels like I'm hanging on for 'dear life'.

That's just my truth. No holds barred. My quality of life was pretty dismal there for a bit. Then being here DOES seem pointless.

When you ask god, beg him/her to go all the way into complete knowing, you're jumped onto the back of an animal that you have absolutely no control over. You've entered a realm that is going to take you to your own personal hell over and over and over again. Maybe you'll come back and maybe you won't. There are no guarantees and you can't back out or change your mind.

Push yourself up off the ground again, can you sit, can you stand? No mercy. Is there a reward at the end of this? Is it worth it?

Yumazone Continued

Safely ensconced in the desert near Yuma, i set out to heal myself and simultaneously was forced to learn a bit more about off grid camping. I was in bed again for about a week after arriving. I'd made sure to fill the water tanks and fridge so I was good for down time. After a week, i thought i'd plan a day in Yuma. I was still pretty messed up but it was only a 12 minute drive and i knew I could just hit a parking lot and crash for awhile if I hit the wall.
I did some research looking for some kind of health food store for organic produce, came up with one (in a town of 86k!), went there and it was boarded up. Ok, don't get me started on Yuma. The store with the most organic produce in this pretty big place is guess where? Walmart!.

I managed to do a few things while I was in Yuma. I'll be brief as possible.
1. I installed a solar panel and charging system so i could live off grid.
2. i found some peeps starting a Course in Miracles group and attended the first 3 meetings.
3. I discovered that no human was going to rescue me from my emotional work that it was just me and god here and that was IT! Big work on this one. You'd have to know my personal 'story' to know what I'm talking about and this isn't the place to air that.

After 3 weeks of very marginal subsistence and self care I realized that I was NOT capable of being on my own anymore. Eeesh! Dang! Ouch!

So I did a bunch of emotional work on that one. Not fun. and meanwhile was having all of the lovely out of body experiences and rivetingly realistic dreams and was consistently amazed every morning that I was still alive. I'd look out the window and say, "OH! Wow! I'm STILL HERE!!! What do I do now??? Oh Yeah! I remember! Make coffee!

So i came to the conclusion that 1. If i went for dental work, it'd probably kill me. 2. If i was heading out, I needed to spend some time with my daughter and grandson. and 3. I had to go someplace where i knew somebody.

The adventure was over.

From Yuma to Lopez Island and stuff

So I guess I'm going to continue the saga of my travels and probable what...death? I guess that's what it is. Sorry if that seems sorta crude or direct or something.

As you probably don't remember from last time I was heading toward Nogales to get some dental work done. I headed east from San Diego. It took me 4 days to drive the 3 hours from San Diego to Yuma. I drove about 45 minutes the first day and started realizing that things were looking pretty weird out the window of the motor home and then realized that it was me, so I pulled off at a Native American Reservation RV Park in Alpine, in California, in the desert, go figure. Nice folks there. I spent two nights and days in bed, trying not to pass out, passing out, sleeping, whatever, accompanied by all of the usual amazing realistic dreams that had all kinds of meaning at the time.

The 3rd day, since I was blowing $30/night on 'camping' I decided I might be able to make it the rest of the way, maybe a couple hours, to Yuma via El Centro, where they have a Costco where I'd planned to stock up. I was going to be staying in the desert near Yuma, parked for free on BLM land so it seemed like a good idea to have some food on board.

I started down the road and was buffeted by pretty high winds, so stopped at a Casino for breakfast and a break thinking that the wind might die down after awhile. Then wandered on to El Centro where I crashed again, big time, hard, in the Walmart parking lot, which was right next door to the Costco and more likely to allow me to spend a night, I figured. It was about 2 pm when I put it in park, pulled the shades and crawled into bed. It was a long day and a long night. I don't know how much I slept or what I did, but there was a lot of angst. One of my biggest fears on leaving Chico was dying in a rest area alone. So I trumped that, a Walmart in El Centro, land of people who have breathed too many pesticide fumes it seemed to me.

Sometime in the late morning, I managed to grab a cart that had drifted over to the RV and using it to hold myself up made my way through the Walmart. I wanted to get to Yuma where I could park long term and I needed groceries. Barely managed to get through Walmart without falling (don't want to fall in a Walmart for SURE. It seems to be an immediate 911 call, right?).

I was pretty determined to drive that last hour to Yumazone and I did manage to do that. Pix and description of that affair in the next post, k?

Morning January 3, Rough Night

Got to my friends in Del Mar (near San Diego), parked in their driveway, with a great view of Torrey Pines State Park and the Pacific. Pix to come.
Shortly after arrival I was thrashed and on the floor. That continued through the day, evening and night and still pretty messed up this morning. Like you'd think I'd get used to it, but I went from fear to worry to curiosity. Like, 'how exactly am I supposed to pull this off?'. Then acceptance and lo and behold, there's joy behind that. The natural joy that we all are.

My friend Howard says that past intense suffering develops present gratitude. Wow. I know that one. A day simply not being ‘sick’ makes me want to dance and even a few minutes of physical wellness has the same effect a lot of the time. And I can even get it up for being joyous when not well much of the time as I am in this mo’.

‘Listening to the silence’ totally works for me.

coincidence and grace

Went to Santa Cruz for spiritual talk on Saturday, spent the night, breakfast on the pier, cruised the downtown markets. On Sunday stopped in Oakland to visit an old friend on the way home. Got home Sunday night and had the one of the worst nights in this 3 year adventure. The next morning felt like I had swam 5 miles. Very weak and tired. Rested on Monday.

Tuesday I was going to move the RV to an RV park in the area, but was too weak. Wednesday I ran errands in Paradise and for some reason decided to get the tires rotated on the truck. I am planning on selling it anyway and seldom rotated the tires even when I kept my rigs. After they did the tire rotation at the shop, they backed it out and basically the front end fell off the thing. If I’d driven it away and especially tried to move the rv, I would sooooo have been killed. The repair is only going to be a few hundred dollars and should be done today, Friday.

Then the folks who bought the land called and said they wanted to buy the RV too! Another good reason not to move it. I’d put off calling the RV park that I’d scoped out to rent the space for a month and couldn’t figure out why I’d kept putting it off.

Then there was the 60 year old man at the tire place who started talking to me out of the blue about his daughter’s death from cancer. After a bit, he asked me if I knew what stage 4 cancer was and I told him that I did and why. After our 5 minute conversation, he was in tears and rose to hug me as I left.

The little egoic me wants to be frightened that I now don’t have land or an RV. It wants a home. Given all that’s happened, I don’t know why god wouldn’t supply me with one, but I’m open to whatever develops. Maybe there’s some other plan. As if I’m in charge, huh? Isn’t it pretty obvious that we’re not?

Sad and a bit scared

Well what did you think was going to happen from time to time? Right now I'm tired and not feeling very good. Long day yesterday. My fault. The good news is we went out to do some yard sales and ended up buying a sail boat! Yay! I love to sail, always wanted to have one of my own. I'm looking forward to that and so is Tina. It's nice, it's ready to go, but we're going to wait until after the weekend.

Maybe I'm not feeling well because I didn't rest and didn't take all my vitamins and stuff. I don't know. I'm going to do that now and go back to sleeeeep. I've been 'a bit under the weather' now for a week or more. Just more tired, slightly sick feeling, neck is 'active'. I love this place, love this earth, Tina, my birds, an opportunity to go out and feel the wind and relearn sailing. Sad to think it's possible that my time is limited. Very sad. You know?

I feel like I need to get Tina up to speed on all the work, that she may again need to be doing more of the actual hands on. I staple and file and type through the tears. Fix one thing at a time. Stop to have my feelings, then continue. Maybe I'm wallowing. I know I'm loved. That's not the problem. I am blessed with lots of love. More than most and more than I sometimes know what to do with. Guess, what people? I love you too.

I have to watch my energy. very smoky today. This is my work. It's important, this blog. I have to (and have been) devoting the time to it. Keep it up, my friend, keep it up.

Sometimes I want to speak without the censor

There are times when I just want to be able to say whatever it is that’s on my mind without having to censor it, ya’ know? It is a big thing to pack around, there’s no denying that. I know that you probably understand the feelings you get. I just never know if today is the first day of the last six months on earth or if that symptom, whatever it is, is the beginning of some unknown something that means ‘it’s happening’. The story with aggressive cancer is supposed to be that if you let it begin, then it quickly takes over. That’s why the docs are so aggressive with treatment. You should hear them talk to me (when I used to go to them). The whole ‘Oh my god, we have to go in like yesterday” and “I can’t believe that you’ve waited this long.” And the feeling that this will probably be an attribute that I carry around for the rest of my life. God has blessed me with that. :-)

Sometimes I want to dwell on the Cancer (there, I said the word), think about it; try to foresee the potential unraveling of my life force. I think it’s a control issue. I want to be in control and ‘ready’ for whatever may come. All of that stuff about ‘how would I deal with it if it looked like this or that?’ Hell, I’ve beaten the odds so far, probably by 6 or 8 months. For how much longer? Maybe till I’m 80?

Other times I want to ignore it and just go about my life. Somewhere in between denial and not lending it any credibility.

I know that I can make it better by taking extreme care of myself. Sometimes I feel like it doesn’t leave a lot of energy left to support anyone else or to have much left over to give to the world. I need to be able to pretty much do exactly what I want exactly when I want to do it. Whether that’s running wheelbarrows full of dirt from here to there in the garden, taking a nap or doing some emotional ‘homework’.

I’m working on feeling like I’m worth the time and energy to take care of myself.

Sometimes I’m just tired of the whole thing, the work and the struggle and the emotions and I think how easy it would be to just let it come and take me away, rather than do all the work. I’m aware that all I have to do is ‘allow’ it in. I work on that one often enough that it’s for real. I can’t beat this through ‘will power’. I can only beat it through self love, which is also that crap about climbing down into the ‘dark night of the soul’ shit and uncovering all that is ‘not love’ and exposing it to the light of day, even if that makes me sad, or cry or whateverthefuck.

I like the fact that I'm living sort of alone and I can just BE who I want to be in the moment without having to consider somebody else’s needs.

“These days I'm learning that it's also a privilege to sit with someone in life. Really sit. Really be. In life, in breath. I know that you know what I'm talking about here.”

I totally grok this. I’m learning also to accept and be totally aware of and in myself. It brings up the ‘not love’.

We all have our dharma, our soul’s work to do and mine is no more important or particularly harder than anyone else’s. I can think of a LOT of life situations I wouldn’t trade including mindlessness, lack of awareness like those who can sit in front of the TV and cover up their pain with cheap beer (or expensive single malt scotch), not to mention being in Ethiopia and suffering on so many levels. I GLADLY ACCEPT THE CANCER DIAGNOSIS AS MY EMOTIONAL WORK! I also know how it has driven me (and is driving me) to do my soul’s work and for that I am grateful.



We’re all exactly where we’re supposed to be doing exactly what we’re supposed to be doing.

I have to beat this because everyone expects me to

Some days it seems like a lot to ask. Somebody defined a nightmare as
1. Bad things are happening and worse things are threatened.
2. you are powerless to do anything about it
3. There is no end, no time limit, no 'only two more days or years' and it'll be over.

The difference between a nightmare and a bad dream is if you change any one of these. So there will never be a time when I am 'cured'. I'll always be under the threat of anything can happen at any time. There's no denying that number 1 is true. There's not much 'bad' happening at the moment other than relatively subtle daily warnings of tenderness, fatigue and some swelling. The symptoms kinda feel like a 'tease' ongoing, always there. So number 2. I'm not powerless if I choose not to be. Let's turn this from a nightmare into a bad dream. Problem is that I don't want to be strong EVERY Flickin' day! It's tiring, its boring and its not real.

Nietzsche said "When things are really bad, being sane is an insane response".

So back to the beginning. I feel like I need to beat this because everyone wants and expects me to. That's a heavy burden in itself. Here's the list:
"Take your pills every day"
"Only eat healthy"
"Exercise a lot"
"Do your spiritual work" Hey, If I die, I wasn't spiritual enough. Now there's a big responsibility.
"Do your emotional work" Hey, if I die, I wasn't emotionally mature enough (to suit everyone else.)

I might die. If you have a problem with it, "YOU TRY PULLING THIS OFF!!!"

It's constant it seems

We're all on fire here in North Cal. Weird people are telling us its because we let gays get married now. God's punishment. People are strange, so insulated from reality, out to lunch. I stay away from that part of the population, I guess. Anyway, we're breathing a ton of smoke up here and that just doesn't help much. I take a nap and wake up tired. I know I can't just keep going. That won't work. I did go get some organic vegetables so i could start juicing again and fasting, but I also got a bunch of other organic stuff that I like to eat! Hard to start a fast when the fridge is full of good stuff, huh? Part of my life has felt like 'there's never enough time'. That belief system needs to change. I have to go back to 'just say f*** it'. I'm trying. The cancer will make me if I don't do it on my own. I know that.

Love Neverending

I’m sorry youse guys are so busy. I know how that can be. I’m working on just saying, “Fuck it”. The pile does not get any smaller so then it becomes an issue of just how fast you want to go. Shall I weld the rototiller today, put in the air conditioner, extend the watering system to include the new bed and the squash plants? Should I make some headway on my speeches that are due sometime next week? I could work on the computer all weekend and then I’d be ahead of the game on Monday morning. Even as I type these things, the anxiety starts building because I’ve lived this way all of my life. Really, my heart starts beating faster, my breath quickens, I feel the tension and anxiety, JUST FROM TYPING THIS! You HAVE to jam an hours worth of work into the next 15 minutes or the whole world will collapse, the IRS will show up at the door, a customer will be less than totally thrilled, the rabbits will die of heat exhaustion and what about that fire line I want to dig down to the river? NOW THAT”S CRITICAL!!!! Ohmygod! I have to get all of these things done before the sun sets (or I could forgo my sleeping tonight and get more done!).

It’s called living in fear and in not enoughness. There isn’t enough love, time or money. If there is, then I will only deserve it if I work really, really hard.

Know that I’m not typing this for you all, I’m writing it for myself. It’s my baggage, but I send it to you because I think you can relate to it.

Fear says, “I can make you safe”. Love says, “You ARE safe”. The soul doesn’t care if you weld the rototiller unless you do it from love and joy, then it would have the equivalent value of spending the same amount of time enJOYing watching the birds at the feeder or laying in the grass looking at the clouds pass over.

Deeksha was good. It’s the same story. Its your intention that you invest in it. If you intend to get something out of it, you will. Will I go again? Well maybe something will settle in that I haven’t felt yet, but otherwise, probably not. There is NO DOUBT that we have to share this JOY and LOVE or it doesn’t do us much good either. I think for me there are other ways I’d like to intend it. I’m having a hard time in group not wanting us to sing (just something goofy like Amazing Grace or Simple Gifts). I’m chicken to bring it up. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. What a wimp, huh?

I feel compelled to help people more who are diagnosed with cancer. Maybe over at Feather River Hospital. Alternatives, emotions and spirituality. I’ve ordered a few more books on it. It’s almost time for a fast again. I can feel it coming on.

I hope you all don’t mind being a sounding board for my process. You don’t have to reply to it.

I send you buckets and buckets (there is no end to the amount. It just keeps flowing from all directions to all of you. It never ends. There is no limit. The flow is constant. In an hour or a day or a month or a year, you can come to the realization that it is STILL flowing uninterrupted and always will flow) of LOVEJOY!

today's messages

Not to merely 'accept' but to wholeheartedly EMBRACE the full catastrophe that is life.

I am not longing for love (or anything else. I have all the love I can stand), but just being here with an empty heart, devoid of anything but full of light.

Cancer Personality: It's Importance in Healing

The Cancer Personality: Its Importance in Healing

by W. Douglas Brodie, MD.

Evidence of a relationship between cancer and personality type has existed for centuries. Going back in history to the second century AD, Galen, a Greek physician famous for his astute observations of patients and for his accurate descriptions of diseases, noted that women with breast cancer frequently had a tendency to be melancholic.

In dealing with many thousands of cancer patients over the past 28 years, it has been my observation that there are certain personality traits which are rather consistently present in the cancer-susceptible individual. These characteristics are as follows:

1. Being highly conscientious, dutiful, responsible, caring, hard-working, and usually of above average intelligence.

2. Exhibiting a strong tendency toward carrying other people's burdens and toward taking on extra obligations, often “worrying for others.”

3. Having a deep-seated need to make others happy, tending to be “people pleasers.” Having a great need for approval.

4. Often having a history of lack of closeness with one or both parents, sometimes, later in life, resulting in lack of closeness with spouse or others who would normally be close.

5. Harboring long-suppressed toxic emotions, such as anger, resentment and/or hostility. Typically the cancer-susceptible individual internalizes such emotions and has great difficulty expressing them.

6. Reacting adversely to stress, often becoming unable to cope adequately with such stress. Usually experiencing an especially damaging event about 2 years before the onset of detectable cancer. The patient is unable to cope with this traumatic event or series of events, which comes as a “last straw” on top of years of suppressed reactions to stress.
[compare Dr. Hamer’s “Iron Rule of Cancer”]

7. Showing an inability to resolve deep-seated emotional problems and conflicts, usually arising in childhood, often even being unaware of their presence.

Typical of the cancer-susceptible personality, as noted above, is the long-standing tendency to suppress “toxic emotions,” particularly anger. Usually starting in childhood, this individual has held in his/her hostility and other unacceptable emotions. More often than not, this feature of the affected personality has its origins in feelings of rejection by one or both parents. Whether these feelings or rejection are justified or not, it is the perception of rejection that matters, and this results in a lack of closeness with the “rejecting” parent or parents, followed later in life by a similar lack of closeness with spouses and others with whom close relationships would normally develop. Those at higher risk for cancer tend to develop feelings of loneliness as a result of their having been deprived of affection and acceptance earlier in life, even if this is merely their own perception. These people have a tremendous need for approval and acceptance, developing a very high sensitivity to the needs of others while suppressing their own emotional needs.

These good folks become the “caretakers” of the world, showing great compassion and caring for others, and going out of their way to look after the needs of others. They are very reluctant to accept help from others, fearing that it may jeopardize their role as caretakers or that they might appear to have too much self-concern. Throughout their childhood they have typically been taught “not to be selfish,” and they take this to heart as a major lifetime objective. All of this benevolence is highly commendable, of course, in our culture, but must be somehow modified in the case of the cancer patient. A distinction needs to be made here between the “care-giving” and the “care-taking” personality. There is nothing wrong with care-giving, of course, but the problem arises when the susceptible individual derives his/her entire worth, value and identity from his/her role as “caretaker.” If this shift cannot be made, the patient is stuck in this role, and the susceptibility to cancer greatly increases.

As noted above, a consistent feature of those who are susceptible to cancer appears to be that they “suffer in silence,” and bear their burdens without complaint. Burdens of their own as well as the burdens of others weigh heavily, often subconsciously as well as consciously, upon these people because they, through a lifetime of suppression, internalize their problems, cares and conflicts. The carefree extrovert, on the other hand, seems to be far less vulnerable to cancer than the caring introvert described above.

How one reacts to stress appears to be a major factor in the development of cancer. Most cancer patients have experienced a highly stressful event, usually about 2 years prior to the onset of detectable disease. This traumatic event is often beyond the patient's control, such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a business, job, home, or some other major disaster. The typical cancer victim has lost the ability to cope with these extreme events, because his/her coping mechanism lies in his/her ability to control the environment. When this control is lost, the patient has no other way to cope.

Major stress, as we have seen, causes suppression of the immune system, and does so more overwhelmingly in the cancer-susceptible individual than in others. Thus personal tragedies and excessive levels of stress appear to combine with the underlying personality described above to bring on the immune deficiency which allows cancer to thrive.

These observations have given rise to the term psychoneuroimmunology.
[compare articles on psychoneuroimmunology and immune system]

In my experience, one of the most difficult and most important hurdles to overcome in cancer patients is how to make major changes in their life-styles. Not only is it necessary to make changes in the physical aspects of their lives such as eating habits, but major changes need to be made in the way they react to stress. The way they react to stress is due largely to the way they think about life. There can be no lasting changes of behavior without first having a change in thinking and in belief systems. It is often extremely difficult for these patients to make substantial changes in these ingrained patterns of thought. Many find it too difficult or too disagreeable to make such alterations in their settled way of thinking and reacting. Many likewise find it too unpleasant to make changes in the physical aspects of their life-style, even in the face of life-threatening illness.

In my office patients are counseled to address their problems and to make the appropriate adjustments to the best of their ability. A psychologist with extensive experience in dealing with these unique problems is readily available to our patients.

These patients are encouraged to take charge of their own health and to be active participants in their care. They are urged to learn as much as possible about the disease and all of the treatment options, including the various conventional modalities.
© 2001 W. Douglas Brodie, MD, 601 West Moana Lane, Ste. 3, Reno, NV 89509

So, here I start my cancer blog, I’m thinking. Writing that comes automatically to me, through me. Yesterday to Edel for a session. Her message was ‘worthy’. Know that you are ‘worthy’ of healing, worthy of taking the time for yourself. Tina has taken over a good chunk of the work, she’s better at what she’s working on them I am anyway. Yesterday, I cleaned the other trailer up and did some repairs. I just picked up one thing and then the next thing and didn’t get stressed about how much was getting done. How did that happen? That has been so unusual for me in the past.

Over the past 10 years, medical doctor and cancer surgeon Ryke Geerd Somebodyorother studied 20,000 Cancer patients and found that there is always a traumatic stress situation preceding the cancer that directly correlates on an emotional level to the location of the cancer outbreak. The episode is normally described as the single most stressful situation that person ever encountered, one that he/she faced alone for the most part.

I was diagnosed in November of 2006, therefore there should be a traumatically stressful episode preceding that period. The most traumatic episode for me was probably a combination of both my parents dying plus divorce and leaving a place that I lived (Colorado) that I identified with in a strongly positive way. I loved my land there. Felt ripped up by the roots and alone, for sure. Worst thing that’s ever happened to me? Yeah, maybe, but there have been others.

He found that when the emotional conflict was resolved the cancer either healed or went into stasis.

So, OK, admittedly, I hadn’t completely resolved any of that shit by 11/06. By the nature of the process of the bad stuff, I’m still not completely resolved. I’m happier, but still pissed off.

Here’s the source of my anger. I’ve been a wonderfully compassionate and sensitive soul since birth. My theory is that those that are sensitive and compassionate (Buddha, Jesus, Dalai Lama, and people like most of those we hang with) are old souls who are here on this planet to work more closely toward the embodiment of the Christ consciousness on earth and to assist in moving the species toward the same through teaching and example. I think it’s a tough hand to play. In addition, there are fewer in one’s peer group.

I had a bad week a couple of weeks ago, so upped the ante and did a detox diet, got some healing from some local healers. I’m OK now again. The message is that I need to know that I’m worthy of being healed. Maybe that’s arcane? I find myself receiving appreciation from many different sources. I am puzzled by it. I know that I need to breathe that in. The other message is some kind of integration of the cancer diagnosis on a level that’s so deep that it’s hard to describe and being OK with it, not in fear, not even anxiety or worry. I need to get to the point that if it were to mean suffering and death and leaving this place that I love that I would be able to love that too. (I HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO!) Not morbid, just reality. I was telling someone the other day that I am fortunate in a way to be given such clear and strong messages. Slammed to the ground and commanded to choose…now. That old saying ‘evolve or die’.

I went down the hill on the land and sorta found a sorta flattish spot where I’d like to build a little 8’ diameter round meditation deck with a couple of cutouts one for a bowl of water and one for a bowl of fire of some sort. Maybe just a candle. The yin/yang symbol would work great for that with the candle bowl and water bowl where the ‘dots’ are in the symbol. Also perhaps a tiny 10x10 overnight cabin with kerosene lamps and a cot and a window. Anyway, that’s fantasy for off in the future and can’t get in the way of doing my ‘work’ today, huh?