Thursday, April 19, 2012
The truth is, the realization is, that I can't freaking fix this and even if I could, eventually I'd have to face this truth again, that I can't fix my life in such a way that there is no death, if you will. The death thing is the ultimate unfixable situation, that's why I'm using it here. Other issues may or may not be solved by employing thought and action but this one thing is inherently unfixable. If we can come to terms with that sooner rather than later we can face all of the events in our lives in a way that maybe gives us a great deal of peace and freedom. It feels to me that accepting that ultimate existential reality opens a gateway in myself that allows an appreciation for the beautiful things to flow in and through me. The 'if only' dissipates, the denial of what is true evaporates like the specter that it is leaving nothing between myself and the greater part of existence which from this window looks like late afternoon sun on the grass, the smell of plumeria blossoms and bird song.
It does what it does. Disatisfaction is inherent in the experience of being alive. Even in a perfectly happy life, eventually there is aging and disability and death. Much more commonly there are many experiences along the way that are painful or feel "wrong". Maybe not until there is a problem that the mind can't solve, that action can't overcome do we finally recognize and perhaps employ a completely different operating system that is so far removed from thinking that the two are not even in the same universe of experience.
Dissatisfaction and even suffering are what propel us to inquire, to ask, to wonder about life, about our existence, about what is real beyond material things and activity. What is true?