Thursday, July 31, 2008

Negative thoughts disconnect us

Negative thoughts disconnect us from the fire of Christ that lives inside all of us
Like a flame inside us it withers and flickers with the winds wrought by negativity, but
Burns brighter and stronger with every thought that is sponsored by love.

There is a cumulative effect. There is only love and the call for love, which can look like fear, anger or sadness. Events and interactions that seem negative cannot impact a fire fueled by weeks and months and years of lovingness. Taking in negativity on a regular basis turns a bright burning flame into a smoky smoldering, barely lighted wick. You see it everyday in people whose lives are filled with sadness. Much of this is self-induced. People have forgotten how to love, are afraid to laugh or be happy, anticipating the next awful event in their lives.

People sometimes go crazy and do horrible things to others. We read it in the news or see it on TV because negativity makes news that many apparently think they need. If you know of something dark and ugly, just don’t pass it on. If it happened a few hundred miles away or more, there is no reason to propagate the negativity by mentioning it.

When someone around you is being negative and you find it impacting you, take a walk, go outside and away from the negativity especially consume/inhale/inspire things that are godly, Christ like, fuel for the flame, a cloud, a bird, a tree, the freshness of the wind on your face.

why do i read the news?

fuck the news and the games played out on dirt world.
That's for you people to deal with.
Those of us who will be ascending soon have other concerns.
Things like preparing for rapture
doing self pity
Filing for disability and other forms of self indulgent behavior.

Good luck down there in dirt world.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

randy pausch

randy pausch died while I was traveling to Chicago. God speed, Randy. If you haven't seen 'The Last Lecture' look it up on or check out the ABC special on him tonight or tomorrow, primetime. peace and love to his little kids and wife. they have the harder work in many respects. I cried.

well again

so, I feel fine. been flying around a lot lately ignoring this blog. too bizy. ready to fly again this sunday. sometimes it gets to be too much and I just have to ask for gods' help. this illusory physical life seems so important sometimes, so important that we do it right and it is appropriate that we live very responsibly regardless of how long we think we might be here, but anguish? that's like out to lunch. if you're not in joy, you're not thinking right. I've been on a bender to clean and clean out my life. get rid of things that don't work for me, aren't working for me. I'm ready to get rid of some chickens, that's for sure, but they just keep hatching! LOL. someone else is supposed to be taking care of that...but hey if that's the worst that happens then so be it. i'm back to pretty seriously taking my supplements AND the apricot pits. I've grown to not dislike them, never to actually enjoy so far. love to you all. give it up to goddess. just let it go. peace.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Sad and a bit scared

Well what did you think was going to happen from time to time? Right now I'm tired and not feeling very good. Long day yesterday. My fault. The good news is we went out to do some yard sales and ended up buying a sail boat! Yay! I love to sail, always wanted to have one of my own. I'm looking forward to that and so is Tina. It's nice, it's ready to go, but we're going to wait until after the weekend.

Maybe I'm not feeling well because I didn't rest and didn't take all my vitamins and stuff. I don't know. I'm going to do that now and go back to sleeeeep. I've been 'a bit under the weather' now for a week or more. Just more tired, slightly sick feeling, neck is 'active'. I love this place, love this earth, Tina, my birds, an opportunity to go out and feel the wind and relearn sailing. Sad to think it's possible that my time is limited. Very sad. You know?

I feel like I need to get Tina up to speed on all the work, that she may again need to be doing more of the actual hands on. I staple and file and type through the tears. Fix one thing at a time. Stop to have my feelings, then continue. Maybe I'm wallowing. I know I'm loved. That's not the problem. I am blessed with lots of love. More than most and more than I sometimes know what to do with. Guess, what people? I love you too.

I have to watch my energy. very smoky today. This is my work. It's important, this blog. I have to (and have been) devoting the time to it. Keep it up, my friend, keep it up.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Sometimes I want to speak without the censor

There are times when I just want to be able to say whatever it is that’s on my mind without having to censor it, ya’ know? It is a big thing to pack around, there’s no denying that. I know that you probably understand the feelings you get. I just never know if today is the first day of the last six months on earth or if that symptom, whatever it is, is the beginning of some unknown something that means ‘it’s happening’. The story with aggressive cancer is supposed to be that if you let it begin, then it quickly takes over. That’s why the docs are so aggressive with treatment. You should hear them talk to me (when I used to go to them). The whole ‘Oh my god, we have to go in like yesterday” and “I can’t believe that you’ve waited this long.” And the feeling that this will probably be an attribute that I carry around for the rest of my life. God has blessed me with that. :-)

Sometimes I want to dwell on the Cancer (there, I said the word), think about it; try to foresee the potential unraveling of my life force. I think it’s a control issue. I want to be in control and ‘ready’ for whatever may come. All of that stuff about ‘how would I deal with it if it looked like this or that?’ Hell, I’ve beaten the odds so far, probably by 6 or 8 months. For how much longer? Maybe till I’m 80?

Other times I want to ignore it and just go about my life. Somewhere in between denial and not lending it any credibility.

I know that I can make it better by taking extreme care of myself. Sometimes I feel like it doesn’t leave a lot of energy left to support anyone else or to have much left over to give to the world. I need to be able to pretty much do exactly what I want exactly when I want to do it. Whether that’s running wheelbarrows full of dirt from here to there in the garden, taking a nap or doing some emotional ‘homework’.

I’m working on feeling like I’m worth the time and energy to take care of myself.

Sometimes I’m just tired of the whole thing, the work and the struggle and the emotions and I think how easy it would be to just let it come and take me away, rather than do all the work. I’m aware that all I have to do is ‘allow’ it in. I work on that one often enough that it’s for real. I can’t beat this through ‘will power’. I can only beat it through self love, which is also that crap about climbing down into the ‘dark night of the soul’ shit and uncovering all that is ‘not love’ and exposing it to the light of day, even if that makes me sad, or cry or whateverthefuck.

I like the fact that I'm living sort of alone and I can just BE who I want to be in the moment without having to consider somebody else’s needs.

“These days I'm learning that it's also a privilege to sit with someone in life. Really sit. Really be. In life, in breath. I know that you know what I'm talking about here.”

I totally grok this. I’m learning also to accept and be totally aware of and in myself. It brings up the ‘not love’.

We all have our dharma, our soul’s work to do and mine is no more important or particularly harder than anyone else’s. I can think of a LOT of life situations I wouldn’t trade including mindlessness, lack of awareness like those who can sit in front of the TV and cover up their pain with cheap beer (or expensive single malt scotch), not to mention being in Ethiopia and suffering on so many levels. I GLADLY ACCEPT THE CANCER DIAGNOSIS AS MY EMOTIONAL WORK! I also know how it has driven me (and is driving me) to do my soul’s work and for that I am grateful.

We’re all exactly where we’re supposed to be doing exactly what we’re supposed to be doing.