Sometimes I want to speak without the censor

There are times when I just want to be able to say whatever it is that’s on my mind without having to censor it, ya’ know? It is a big thing to pack around, there’s no denying that. I know that you probably understand the feelings you get. I just never know if today is the first day of the last six months on earth or if that symptom, whatever it is, is the beginning of some unknown something that means ‘it’s happening’. The story with aggressive cancer is supposed to be that if you let it begin, then it quickly takes over. That’s why the docs are so aggressive with treatment. You should hear them talk to me (when I used to go to them). The whole ‘Oh my god, we have to go in like yesterday” and “I can’t believe that you’ve waited this long.” And the feeling that this will probably be an attribute that I carry around for the rest of my life. God has blessed me with that. :-)

Sometimes I want to dwell on the Cancer (there, I said the word), think about it; try to foresee the potential unraveling of my life force. I think it’s a control issue. I want to be in control and ‘ready’ for whatever may come. All of that stuff about ‘how would I deal with it if it looked like this or that?’ Hell, I’ve beaten the odds so far, probably by 6 or 8 months. For how much longer? Maybe till I’m 80?

Other times I want to ignore it and just go about my life. Somewhere in between denial and not lending it any credibility.

I know that I can make it better by taking extreme care of myself. Sometimes I feel like it doesn’t leave a lot of energy left to support anyone else or to have much left over to give to the world. I need to be able to pretty much do exactly what I want exactly when I want to do it. Whether that’s running wheelbarrows full of dirt from here to there in the garden, taking a nap or doing some emotional ‘homework’.

I’m working on feeling like I’m worth the time and energy to take care of myself.

Sometimes I’m just tired of the whole thing, the work and the struggle and the emotions and I think how easy it would be to just let it come and take me away, rather than do all the work. I’m aware that all I have to do is ‘allow’ it in. I work on that one often enough that it’s for real. I can’t beat this through ‘will power’. I can only beat it through self love, which is also that crap about climbing down into the ‘dark night of the soul’ shit and uncovering all that is ‘not love’ and exposing it to the light of day, even if that makes me sad, or cry or whateverthefuck.

I like the fact that I'm living sort of alone and I can just BE who I want to be in the moment without having to consider somebody else’s needs.

“These days I'm learning that it's also a privilege to sit with someone in life. Really sit. Really be. In life, in breath. I know that you know what I'm talking about here.”

I totally grok this. I’m learning also to accept and be totally aware of and in myself. It brings up the ‘not love’.

We all have our dharma, our soul’s work to do and mine is no more important or particularly harder than anyone else’s. I can think of a LOT of life situations I wouldn’t trade including mindlessness, lack of awareness like those who can sit in front of the TV and cover up their pain with cheap beer (or expensive single malt scotch), not to mention being in Ethiopia and suffering on so many levels. I GLADLY ACCEPT THE CANCER DIAGNOSIS AS MY EMOTIONAL WORK! I also know how it has driven me (and is driving me) to do my soul’s work and for that I am grateful.



We’re all exactly where we’re supposed to be doing exactly what we’re supposed to be doing.