Thursday, December 8, 2011

subtle resistance to reality

In Rupert Spira's interview on, he talks about not only investigating the nature of separation (from god, or all that is or the divine or whatever) using thoughts and words, but investigating the nature of separation through feelings. I liked that idea.

I take it to mean examining how one feels about whatever one is doing. As in, "It's freaking cold outside! Ick!" or "Eeesh, I'm driving to work at my job that I don't like." Or it could be a much more subtle feeling of mild annoyance or worry or loneliness. “Darn, I forgot to brush my teeth and now I have to get out of bed again and I’m tired”

Any of these, of course, are a form of resistance to what is. Most of us (me for sure) are doing this often if not constantly. It’s not that we should try NOT to have these feelings. They arise as they will. Rejecting them or pretending that they’re not real is just another form of resistance to what is; another form of denial or separation.

I think what he’s driving at is just being aware of these feelings as they arise which of course requires quite a bit of focus and attention. The only work required is being aware and then examining them, looking at them fully to discover the underlying truth. “Yeah, it IS cold outside. It does that this time of year. It is what is occurring. I’m having a problem with reality why?” Not answering necessarily, just observing then maybe doing some quiet breathing and see what arises. Fun. Treasure! I’m recommitting to that today.

Here's a recent photo of my 'growth' btw. I've not posted one lately because I don't want to scare anyone, but that seems like denying reality or helping others deny reality. I'm doing a lot of work on it to make it get smaller and go away, some science based and some energetic. I'm also going to go see radiation doc on the 12th to see if I want to do some more radiation to shrink the thing some. Today it is not feeling very annoyed at all. No pain, not pushing, not angry, so that's all good.

I stated on my fb page that although it looks dramatically 'bad', I'd like people to see and hold the positive outcome and the healing as there's enough energy floating around that it I'm a short timer or some such vibe. So, help me out by seeing it healed. Thank you, loves. Peace be with you all today.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Quit rolling around in other peoples crap. if u must roll in crap, roll in ur own. you may end up transcending ur own crap but never able to transcend someone elses.
well, is it a dream? Doesn't it all disappear when you quit thinking about it? Like when you go to sleep, what becomes of THIS world? It no longer exists. It's an experience that you are having, it's important (just like in a dream) to show up and do your best and it seems to be recurring. You are in the same house when you wake up and the leftovers in the fridge are still there. Sleep dreaming is generally different than that. Fun to talk about.
Work your stuff and magic happens! AND it's cumulative! That doesn't mean there isn't more crap. How do you know there's more crap? cuz you're still alive here on the dirtball! If we could just realize that when we're stuck in crap that means that we're birthing magic.
which is why I say that the slightest emotional discomfort is like a treasure! (if u lean into it, hang out in it and work it). Otherwise it just sucks! :-)

Consciousness is a process of working our stuff

People think that the world will get better and they will be happier or enlightened or something if they just connect to a higher consciousness or hang out in the chakras above the heart chakra when in fact consciousness is a process of SUBTRACTION! It's like people talk about 'practicing' compassion or understanding the gateless gate thing. Those things are natural outcomes of consciousness. You don't become Christ like by growing a beard and wearing sandals. Ok, so here's the 'bad' news. :-) You can't build higher consciousness by wanting higher consciousness, you get there by removing the filters through which you experience! Those filters are ALL fear based and occur in Chakras 1 and 2 almost exclusively and are stored mostly in chakra 3! This means that all of the dysfynctional programming that you took on as a child, and all the beliefs you carry need to be observed and understood. Examine every feeling, esp the tweaky little negative ones! Consciousness is like pure white light that is experienced by you but it is filtered through the prism of self! If the prism of self is gray and cloudy thats how you experience life! Bottom have to do the sometimes unpleasant work of becoming friends with your baggage!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

gratitude for unusual things

Today I am grateful for the wisdom of fear, anger, pain and sadness and the gift of being willing to sit with them as long as necessary. There is no completion or resolution, there is only just what this is in this moment fully experienced.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

SOMEthing seems like it has shifted

Feels like a new phase but there are no phases, only a continuous, unfolding, now.

The call to be completely present with what is, repeating itself regularly.

The prime difference seems to be the frequency of the call and my ability to answer.

Opening chest, aware of body, aware of the body healing the cancer, aware of the body being open, my acceptance of and comfort in the body, more at home in it.

Like the eyes are open wider in a new way, seeing everything, the spider on the ceiling, the color of the wall, the painting, the entire view with whatever the view contains, like the illumination is brighter, colors and shapes and features more vibrant.

Why does it matter that I describe it? Because I think it cements this way of experiencing making it more frequent. This way of experiencing seems helpful and describing it supports that.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Enthusiastic Cooperation with the Inevitable

"It has somehow escaped my notice that most people operate in a manner that is far inferior to that which is their natural birthright. This isn't really an enlightenment thing as much as a simple human development thing. It can't be overemphasized, Not my will but THY will be done, Brahma is the charioteer, the will of Allah, etc. If you don't get this, you don't get anything.
Enlightenment, which is a fancy word for awake is for every person to arrive at eventually, whereas this higher unbounded mode of being is here now for whoever truly wants it. Most 70 year olds are 11 year olds with 59 years of experience and die in the nest where they were born.
Look for yourself, look AT yourself, look at the news, at politics, at religion. Look at education, business, health care, entertainment. Look at the why and the WHY of the why. All you'll see is greed and vanity, the offspring of fear.
It's not that there's a better way and people don't take advantage of it, but that a better way is at all times in full force and effect and to function from the puny state of separation is to work feverishly against it. In other words, it works in our lives NOT to the degree that we harness it or master it, but to the degree that we STOP working against it. It's just a natural coming of age, of developing to our full potential." Jed McKenna
The challenge in this for me constantly is to let go of thinking that I'm pretty much just a human being living on planet earth and when something seemingly goes 'wrong' in my life, it's a bad thing. In my case, if I'm fully identified with myself as a body and mind, given my prognosis, I'm pretty well screwed. If I can live in the place where I recognize my soul thing is doing exactly what it wants to do and that the body and mind and comfort and happiness are irrelevant to it, and are merely vehicles for experiencing life here than life becomes a matter of curiosity and interest. The "Gee, I wonder what will happen next?" thing. Open to all of it, whatever it looks like, knowing that it's all good even if I can't see that in the moment. Heart open, surrendered. As Father Anthony DeMello said, "enthusiastic cooperation with the inevitable".
Just my stuff.

Friday, November 11, 2011


It's not about inviting miracles into our lives, it's about nurturing one's ability to see everything that happens as a miracle. The ego mind may not LIKE what's happening, but it's not about the ego mind. It's all unfolding perfectly, it's just that sometimes we choose not to see it that way.

email to a dear friend

I'm so glad your blood tests are good! That's fantastic. Guess you'll just have to stick around on the dirtball, huh? Sorry about that. :-) That kind of stuff always drops me into, 'OK, what do you want me to do with this time here? How do you want me to show up? What do you want of me?' I'm not talking about some god thing necessarily, but it seems like there's SOME point to being here besides running out the clock. I'm just talking about my own process, not suggesting anything for you.

Today is my 5 year anniversary since diagnosis. M asked if I ever thought I'd make it this far. NO WAY, but I have, thus the fairly constant curiosity.

I know that gratitude for still being here is what I mostly feel about it, but sometimes I get a little snarky too. That 'What the f are you doing to me?!! Can't I be freaking done yet?' I know I have a strong preference for staying even if it means lots of self work or showing up for the hard stuff or whatever. Freaking tears over that one.

I'm now truck shopping. I've looked a a few, but no decisions. It's not a totally rational process, it's allowing the right one to appear. Sometimes it feels like, "It's not ripe yet." the decision, you know?

I've been listening to some current Adyashanti audio. It seems that when he's doing his rant, soliloquy thing, he's speaking to those who are pretty far along in the process of awakening or whatever you want to call it. So I get to hear about all the places I probably won't get to in this lifetime. :-)

He said something kind of interesting, describing 3 different levels of awakening. Take it with a grain of salt, but it made sense to me cuz I've had some of the experiences. He stresses the difference between intellectually understanding this and having the actual experience and that there's no point in striving for any of it. Jed would say, just slay the very next thing that's in your way and then clean up the mess and keep going. 'Further.'

The stages Adya talked about are:
1. Perceiving the world not as an I but as just awareness without the mind. You ARE just awareness.
2. The experience of being 'all that is' (if you will). That you ARE the mountain, the table, the other person and in fact everything.
3. No 'I' which he couldn't really say anything about that 'I' could relate to, go figure. He just skipped over that part.

The tumor didn't like flying to NC of course, but it's not only that that seems to be causing it to not shrink. It's a bigger than it was, more painful, still not interfering much with my energy or at all with swallowing or artery or nerves or breathing or any of that. It's a freaking mystery to all of us.

There are times when I notice that I don't take a full breath. In that, I recognize that there is a fear of complete surrender to whatever might happen. Like by somehow not taking a full breath I can control the outcome. It's hard to take a full breath into 'I might die in the not too distant future and I totally embrace that.' I'm just not allowing myself to have all the feelings. Not all the time, but sometimes. I'm tired of not showing up for all of it. All I want to do is BE afraid when I'm afraid, BE sad when I'm sad, live fully, not hide from any of it. If I have to live every day all day with tears streaming down my cheeks, so be it.

Still planning on HI, working towards it, bought tix for 1/12.

Gee, I wonder what will happen next? "Will they make it to Hawaii? Will Dan last long enough to teach P how to homestead and garden or will he recover or maintain for some years to come? Will he reach some place where he's really at peace with whatever happens or is he going to hang out in some level of angst?"

Stay tuned, huh? That's all I'm doing. It's all I know how to do.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Travel home from NC

Yesterday was a long travel day, intercontinental. Rough on this body, hard time sleeping last night but so exhausted. The tumor thing feels like it's trying to grow again. Now that we're home, the sense is that I don't do ANYTHING that is not clearly indicated. Some dear friends have sent me contact information for yet another healer. I'm going to give it a shot because of who they are.
NC was a trip, literally and figuratively. It was lovely to meet P's family and to hang out with them and we did have fun, and the trees were pretty but the whole airport thing? Eeesh.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Consciousness is a now thing

consciousness isn't a when thing, it's a now thing, it's a choice. The fact that I was fully present for a time yesterday has no bearing on this moment.

No title

I like to be in that place where experience is happening and I'm sort of the portal through which experience happens and that's all I am. There's no judgment about the quality of experience, but wonderment that it is happening at all.

Exhale? Anyone?

We come to a point where we rely on stillness instead of mind and action. The body responds like a big exhale, shoulders drop. And it doesn't happen all at once. It's a process of continued failure in challenging circumstances of mind to deliver. Then I just let it all go and discover that it's ok. At first the surrender is an aberration, "OK, well there isn't anything I can do, so F it then." Then we notice it works, then we remember more often. FREAKING EXHALE and let it be what it is! If it's pain, ok. If it's bliss, ok. If it's fear, ok. I'm not in charge, it's an interesting planet, some of it seems F'ed up. So, fine then. OK then. What's for lunch? :-)

Embrace what is

When we embrace complete acceptance with whatever is going on with no attachment to how the next moment unfolds, what's left is this deep gratitude for just being here alive and experiencing whatever is occurring. It is enough and more than enough.

Nirvana is personal annihilation

Nirvana is nothing more or less than personal annihilation. Buddha
Have a nice day!

The way through the next gate is always fear

The way through the next gate on the spiritual path is ALWAYS fear. MORE surrender, blocked only by our fears. Just figured that out.

How to manifest stuff

1. State your intention clearly
2. Take action, the only language the universe understands
3. Let go of attachment to outcome or to what it looks like
4. Be in gratitude, always, no matter what it looks like.

Then all your dreams will come true!

There is a crack

‎"There is a crack, a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in."
(Leonard Cohen)
A crack could be anything that "goes wrong" in your life -- in relationships, finances, work, health, etc. First you suffer, then (potentially, if you do your freaking work :-) ), you let go of your attachments. And so you are forced to go deeper within, to a place of peace and silent power. (Eckhart Tolle)

What some might consider miracles are daily events around here

methinks that miracles infuse every breath of every one. We don't always understand them and few recognize that they are constant. When we finally know that everything is a miracle, we see them everywhere and know they are exactly how the universe is always unfolding.
Then we are aligned with the divine, living in grace and we know it. Beats living in fear. Just sayin'.

When life sucks, look for treasure. You may not see it right away, but it will show up, unless you deny it.

it's amazing how many people you see constantly disavowing the divine. Saying, "this SUCKS!" as a way of life, time after time, all day. If they only knew how much easier life is. Yeah, sometimes it looks really sucky, but I always know that lurking around the corner is some kind of treasure that's going to arise from an event whether a car break down or a job lost or the death of a dear friend.

It's all a matter of perception (and working your baggage)

‎"There are only two emotions that inform and animate the human animal; fear and a gratitude/awe/love mix that we might call agape. As the fear is processed out, agape comes in.‎
More accurately, the pure light of consciousness comes through us and is refracted through the prism of self. If the prism of self is cloudy and gray, contaminated with fear and ego, that's how we experience life. As the prism of self becomes clear, life becomes beautiful and magical. That's Human Adulthood. Enlightenment is the same except there's a final step. The prism of self is removed." Jed McKenna

I get scared sometimes...

I get freaking scared sometimes. That i'm going to die. That this is it; that my life has no meaning (and in the ultimate sense it doesn't, of course). That I won't get to HI, that I don't know how to do this thing called life (and death).
The fear is a gift, really, because I recognize it as such and use it to get to the bottom of what is really the truth of me that underlies the body/mind/ego. Danny is just a face in the clouds that forms for awhile, is visible and then is gone.

Every Attachment is Treasure

every discomfort, every attachment no matter how slight is a treasure if I can see it as such, observe myself and my feelings and my motivations from a place where I'm not actually down in the hole of emotions and discomfort and attachment. Oh look! "This is making me uncomfortable, I'm attached to this or that outcome. GREAT! An opportunity to explore." Some slight little snarkiness, some moderate physical pain, some almost imperceptible fear or sadness. That stuff is pure gold.

I give up control

everything seems to be in flux and is kinda confusing. I DON'T know what's going on, so back to, "I hereby give up any idea of being in control of anything. I have NO freaking clue about nothing and never did." There universe, I surrender. Why does that seem so difficult sometimes? Damn, the ego is pernicious.

Living in the present

If you are depressed, you're living in the past.
If you're anxious, you're living in the future.
If you're at peace, you're living in the present.

Friday, November 4, 2011

The Recent Past

A couple of stories from the yard sale. 1st, it was a HUGE enterprise involving weeks of going through stuff and sorting and boxing and then taking it over to the house where we were going to have the sale and storing the stuff in the basement. Then the day before or so, we posted a request for HELP! on fb and all kinds of people showed up with cars and trucks and tarps and tables and extension cords and muscle and helped us get the last of the stuff over there and carried the boxes and stuff out of the basement and set up tables and covered them with our stuff.
We had intended to spend two days setting up and having a private party and sale for our friends and then open it to the general public on Saturday and Sunday, but without even hanging any signs, people started stopping by and going through stuff and asking to buy it and we finally just entered the fray and started the free for all that was the next few days.
Every night six or eight friends would hang around and chat. I'd enumerate all the people who helped but I don't want to mess with anyone's privacy, but THANK YOU and you know who you are.
The yard sale was just a yard sale but the magic was incredible. I'll tell a few stories in the next posts.

The Present

We're in Raleigh, visiting P's mom until Monday or Tuesday, I don't know. It's lovely and quiet here 45 minutes north of Raleigh. Gray and kinda rainy today. My energy is ok though I've been sleeping a lot and laying around in between.
When in the Raleigh area, the thing to do is to sit on a rocking chair on the front porch with your feet up. Here I am practicing this aspect of the North Carolina culture.


Ok, so I'm so far behind on keeping this up to date that it seems like I should start with the future, work back to the present and then onto the past. If that makes any sense at all to you, you're already a whackjob and more like me than you probably want to be.
The photo is the piece of land that my dear friends on the big island of Hawaii told me I should come over and homestead. It's the light green triangle sort of thing with the cliffs, not the place with what looks like a beach. I've never seen this piece of land in person. There is water to it and phone and it is supposed to have good Verizon coverage, but there's nothing else there except a fabric covered tube barn.
So that's the future. Maybe January, god willing, we will get on a plane and go there, showing up with a crate full of homesteading tools and some clothes and kitchen gear and figure it all out on the fly.
I've sold Jazzy, my dear RV sanctuary which is going to fund the trip and we had a huge 3 day yard sale and sold almost all the stuff that's not going. Now we have to buy a pickup, build a crate in it, fill the crate with stuff, drive the crate to Oakland and get it shipped then come back to Chico, sell Pamela's car, finish up whatever's left, then drive to the vehicle shipper, get a cab to the bart, take the bart to the airport and get on the plane....That's the plan. Wonder what will really happen?

recent photo showing the real me

Guess I coulda smiled more for this shot. I AM happy. I just look funny.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Through All Pain Love will be turned into Medicine

Rumi, of course.

Click, click, click, the pieces fall into place like the tumblers of a lock. Her self care and becoming, my self care and becoming, M's self care and becoming.
Difficulty, it's how we learn to honor ourselves (which is honoring the divine, duh).
It's how we learn to listen

What does it take to always be conscious; to always be in flow? Time and attention and I guess some knowing that this is right because it is what is happening.

Once it has occurred, it is gone as if it never existed. Your state of consciousness in your last breath is irrelevant to your state of consciousness in this one. You don't get any brownie points for a good moment yesterday or a week ago or a minute ago, thought it is cumulative. Easier once you become accustomed to what it takes to be there.

Consciousness isn't a when, it's now. Enlightenment isn't a when, it's now. That's all.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

How it be

It seems to be difficult to express to myself even, the feelings that I'm having as life continues to unfold. I'd say that I don't understand it, but it's pretty clear. It's more that the old habits of questioning everything are having some difficulty letting go. “Are you SURE this is ok and that's ok and that it's all going to be ok?” And the answer is frequently an obvious and instantaneous and emphatic yes, almost before the question is formulated. So then what is there for the old egoic fears to do? They have no job, no purpose anymore and they SO want to be involved even if they are no longer actually in control.

I'm very curious of course. “Gee, I wonder what's going to happen next? I wonder what this or that will look like, how it will unfold?”

There is very little I want. Do I want to sell the bus and get things done and get ready for Hawaii and go there? Do I want this experience or that experience? Do I want a drink or to be healed or some boon to appear? No, not really. The word 'want' is a poor characterization. It just so far to date seems to be unfolding in this very appropriate way. I'd say that it's perfection and in a way it is, but appropriate seems a better word. Things that we need just show up. Healing just happens. There isn't anything that I have to do, but it gets done and I know that my body and hands do things, but kind of without any volition on my part.

There is an ongoing deep gratitude of course. That's present.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

String Theory

Yes, for sure, of course, allow everything to be as it is HOWEVER, make no compromise with being fully who you are regardless of cost or outcome. Nothing is sacred unless it serves your becoming. That which is not life affirming is life denying.

There clearly needs to be time for rest and recovery and for becoming accustomed to the new place you've reached, the new insights and powers you've gained when you hit a new plateau. But that downtime should be no no more than what's absolutely necessary before undertaking the next leg of the journey.

We want to become complacent maybe to rest long, to have some peace and downtime and quiet time, maybe even accept less so we don't have to face the next dragon, but for me, that's unacceptable.

When you're born, you're given this piece of string, a timeline that begins with your birth and stretches on into the future, but you don't know how far. For the average 1st world citizen, it's 70+ years. That means that some die in infancy, some die at 104, but no one is average. We pull the string, live out some days, never knowing when this pull will be the final pull. Like blowing out birthday candles and making a wish, what do we want to manifest in this next pull? Think carefully. Will you be satisfied with your choices if it's your last pull? Most of us just pull the string and see what happens. Like choosing door number 3. Could be disease or divorce or a new car.

Dreams that come true = diligent focused work + clear vision + nonattachment + gratitude.

"What I've dared, I've willed and what I've willed I will do. Ye can't swerve me! I'd strike the sun if it insulted me. Naughts an angle to the iron way. Truth hath no confines" Ahab, Moby Dick, Mellville.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Interesting Day

Interesting Day
I rode the bike 7 miles today and pushed it, then later swam and then to a restaurant with P, then got bigtime hammered. Too much exercise and sun and activity in a single day probably or the big whatever just decided to knock me flat. For awhile there I was in resistance to feeling pretty sick and I noticed that there was sadness.
Someone referred to me as a snob today in a kidding sort of way and although I wasn't offended, I did say that that didn't fit for me. Snob being someone who negatively judges others. I replied that I was not a snob, but that I was 'discerning'. I know what I like and am willing to invest in and what I'm not willing to invest in.
Life will never be the same for me, even if i have a guarantee of 20 more years. I know that every moment is precious. I know what life is not now. It is not the way i was before diagnosis and prior to the pretty tough suffering. I even used to think that I needed to 'make a difference' in the world, make something better, save the whales or prevent injustice or something like that. Now I know that the only thing worth doing is being fully present, fully aware of what's going on with me and in me. I'm not totally there yet of course. I see the little ego thing pop up once in awhile for a second wondering how this me is being viewed by someone else and then it pretty quickly turns into something humorous. There's no self judgment in it or shame or any of that. Just a giggle.
And yeah, I'm not willing to spend time with people who are sleep walking, not much anyway. There are some instances where that is necessary, but I minimize it. I'm not going to spend time watching some inane movie or doing anything else that doesn't fill me up.
I guess that's about it for now. Thanks for listening.

Monday, June 13, 2011


Is finished.
Nothing is right.
Nothing is as it should be.
All love will be betrayed.
All pain will be ended.
All suffering will be bliss
And all bliss suffering.
All good will be punished.
All good will be rewarded.
Evil will be worshipped.
Evil will be destroyed.
Suffering and bliss are one.
This is the truth.
There is no truth.
There is just is.

Friday, May 27, 2011


Someone said, "CAN u know what ur next thought will be?" The fact of the matter is that I can't know, don't know what my next thought will be. I'm not choosing it. It just generates spontaneously and randomly. If THAT is true than the idea that I'm choosing what to do in my life goes completely out the window! Oh I might "choose" to eat a banana but where did that thought come from? And if some event interferes with that action the banana plan might disappear. Like if the phone rings our something. So i'm not then really in charge or control of anything then. Hmmm.

Monday, May 16, 2011


So I haven't posted in awhile. I've been playing with a new med, low dose naltrexone. It's a weird one. Normally given to opiate addicts, it blocks the opioid receptors in the cells. If taken at the dosage given to addicts it keeps them from wanting the drugs by blocking the receptors. When taken in a low dose at night before bed, the receptors are blocked so the cells start creating tons more opioid receptors and the body starts creating lots of natural opioids like endorphins (which are responsible for most of the killer cells in the body) then when the naltrexone wears off by the very early morning, the receptors open up and the endorphins and other killer cells can go in and attack the cancer. The side effect can be outrageous levels of fatigue. Getting the dose right has been an experiment. I'm now at 3 mg/day. Addicts get 50 mg/day. Low dose naltrexone is also used for other immune deficiency diseases like MS, AIDS and lupus. I'm only now getting a handle on my energy levels. BUT, the tumor has gotten smaller after only 5 weeks. That's really cool. Maybe I'll post new pictures of the tumor soon.

Monday, April 18, 2011

I've just stopped the noise long enough to hear

I am, of course, my own Relentless Bitch™
I am my own consciousness
I am my own ‘all that is’
It’s not some entity speaking to me from someplace outside of myself. It’s just this one thing, one consciousness, my own consciousness, not different than anything else, not two.
I don’t need anyone else’s words or ideas about consciousness
I don’t need anyone pointing at the moon. I can see the moon clearly myself.
I’ve just stopped the noise, in this moment, for long enough to hear.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Dream about doing the work

My dreams are extremely rich again lately, like I'm fully alive in this other place and only come back to consensual reality with some adjustment time necessary. In today's dream, I own a boat, pull into a marina on a busy holiday weekend. All slips are occupied and more boats are coming in. A black guy comes to the slip. I'm aware that I need to get fuel and water and vacate the slip as soon as possible to make room for others. The black guy helps me and walks away. As I'm ready to pull out I notice the boat is quickly filling with water and is capsized. I realize that I'm going to have to go get the black guy and that we're going to have to pull the boat out for repairs. I also realize that it's going to be expensive to pull the boat and buy parts and I'm going to have to do the work myself to save money. I'm resigned but ready to go forward with the project.

My body is the vehicle (the boat) which is being 'invited' to rejoin oneness; the ocean of being (the sea) and that in order to pull off staying embodied, I'm going to have to do the work. Yeah, I've been doing 'the work' but there's always more. Can't let up. Keep working. Each day is like starting over, as if I've not begun, like there's another piece, more, further. I'm beginning from a new place on the path having hiked long and hard to get this far, but of course there's no turning back or resting on your laurels. It doesn't matter how far one has come. Yesterday doesn't count really toward today's progress. Keep going.
Not in resistance but more like resignation. As in, "Boy, OK, but this is going to take some work." It doesn't feel like I'm sinking or like there's anything wrong with the death thing. It's an invitation to rejoin, not a problem at all, but the message that I must keep going.

The amazing ego thing

I'm wowed by watching the ego in the throes of trying to maintain control. ANY control via ANY mechanism, ANY emotion, ANY judgment, ANY thought or all of the above pinballing from one to the other. And all the heart wants to do is LET FREAKIN GO!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Mostly to move the tumor photo further down the page

I am aware that whether we (any and all of us) have one more day or 30 more years, that THIS day (or moment) is gone forever and has no more reality than a dream. There is a gratitude and sadness in that knowing. We often attempt to avoid the sadness. fill that hole and thereby miss THIS new and unfolding now. Life is an experience of everchangingness. Constantly I surrender the passing moment. Unless I forget, get stuck in trying to grab it. It's gone, now this one is gone as well.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The tumor, 4_07_11

I've been reluctant to post this cuz it's not very attractive and yeah, I still don't really want to be the cancer guy. But, maybe you can help? This is from Pamela's sister and yeah, it's hoodoo, but no one does hoodoo like youdo, so what the heck. Can't hurt right? Using this pic below of the tumor, you can put your index, middle and thumb together in a pen/pointer shape, and send white light out of the finger tips, then move rapidly over the surface of the tumor to break up the energetic congestion. This is an energetic healing ultrasound that can really make a difference! Thanks to Pamela's sister, Michele for this! ♥

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Just more resistance

So I try this on. “If a large, oozing, somewhat painful tumor on the side of my neck is what the universe wants for me, then that’s what I want for me too.”

Easy for me to hold that if the universe wants to cure it than I want to cure it too, but the previous statement presents one hell of a challenge for me. “Nothing is ever wrong in my world” Nisargadatta.

It’s the relentless divine continuing to pound away at my belief that what I am IS this body and mind.

Trying to hold that it’s getting better and leaving my body becomes a challenge when I see it getting larger and angrier looking week by week.

I’ve been in major resistance. Everyf*ingthing is just WRONG! Foreclosures, politics, slow people in grocery stores, traffic, weather. And then I see the lilacs in bloom and a little girl in the store who is playing and those things are ‘right’! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh! F*k! Ick!

And all of my resistance is just f*ing suffering and all I have to do is allow my f*ing heart to f*ing break again. LET the sadness happen. ALLOW the fact that I don’t f*ing know shit! That I CAN’T DO THIS SHIT! I can’t hold this. I don’t know how. It’s beyond my abilities. I don’t have the courage. I don’t have the strength. It’s too much to expect of me. You can put all of the “I’s” and “me’s” in quotes if that helps. It’s totally clear and right to me that the ego/mind thing CAN’T deal with this. That surrender is the constant and that “I” can’t do that either.

Jumping off the cliff in total surrender

The information was clear. Not like I didn’t revisit it constantly for months. ‘Are you sure?!!!!” It didn’t say “Follow the instructions and you’ll be ok, you’ll be taken care of.” Just “Sell the land, get in the RV and drive away from your life.” No hint of a warranty like, “Your satisfaction guaranteed or double your money (or your life) back.” As I acted on the instructions all these zillions of tiny little pieces began falling into place to make it happen. The land sold without even advertising it. The old RV sold before I was sure I was going to sell it. Someone called the same day and wanted to buy my truck. Miraculously my disability went through in 2 months instead of the usual 6-12 months, facilitated by a Social Security employee who when I called back to thank her was just gone. No one in the office could tell me who she was.

When I got in the RV the first time and drove away, I didn't know if I was gonna hit the right or left turn signal when I got to I 5. I figured it was just as likely that I would die alone in a rest area as live for another 6 months. I was taking action that was obviously 'indicated' without any thought for the possible consequences.

I'm still learning to do this. It’s not like there’s some achievement that you can bank on later. Awareness, consciousness has no shelf life. Just because I was 'tuned in' to the divine yesterday doesn't mean that I’m going to feel connected to it today, though it does get easier with cumulative experience (I think). Wanting to be connected doesn't make it happen. It actually blocks it because I’m interpreting the lack as something being ‘wrong’ with what currently exists. All I can do is peel away the layers of filtering between myself and the little quiet voice. Peel away layers of fear and egoic attachment and suddenly I peel back the last layer not even knowing it is the last layer and then like the last layer of an onion, there's just nothing. Nothing. And I’m home. At least for awhile. Until I discover the next dragon, fear, layer. And I start again with no goal, no guarantee of any kind. And each time it feels like it might kill me. It’s not some small controllable process with a known outcome. It’s jumping off the cliff in total surrender.

Monday, March 28, 2011

So Yeah, Yesterday sucked

Got some alone time sitting in the dark in the rain and wind. Physical pain and lots of emotional angst. Just what I needed actually. Sit in the experience, push all the buttons, see what comes up. What's left. Really like I ordered it up.

Today there's some left over resistance, but much lighter and so I listen, see what's indicated in this now.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

OK. I don't know how to do this.

I don't know how to have this cancer thing, this ugly growth on my neck oozing nasty goo. I didn't get any training in it. Yes, I DO have a beautiful life and i DO know how lucky I am to have so much love in my life.

Shoot. I don't even want to post this, but I'd be holding back if I didn't. It's not that I'm afraid to admit that I don't know how to play this role. I mean, duh, everybody knows that already. And it's easy for me to admit that sometimes I'm afraid. Everybody knows that too. It's admitting that sometimes I'm really sad. I don't want anyone to freak out and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I really am good with it all but I also ride the roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I deny the emotions for awhile and then they come through in a flood when it gets to the point that i can't dam them up anymore with the usual distractions.

I really appreciate all of the love and support. People I don't even KNOW are sending me lovely wishes and prayers and offers of help. I'm really grateful. I get the love coming my way. I'm not a big phone guy and I DO spend a lot of time alone and kinda prefer it. I don't need a thing really. I'm pretty self sufficient and intend to stay that way.

So thanks so much. No worries, mates. There's a plan. It's a good one. I have no idea what it is other than continuing to be aware of what's happening, how I feel about it, do the best I can to polish the lens through which I view the world, be as present as I can as much as I can and be grateful for all of it.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

last days of storm and rains (we hope)

I arrived here in Chico in early Feb, had 1 week of mid 60's weather, then a week of really cold, been pretty much raining ever since. Eeesh. Maybe 4 weeks. Finally looks like mostly sun for a week or so. Yeah, I'm just whining. I had a couple of mornings of being in full resistance. Stomped my feet and had a little tantrum. I could see what was going on with my attitude and decided to play the part. Had me laughing in about 10 minutes. I'm going to do a week of pretty much quiet time and fasting.

Shortly after the last doc visit the neck thing (otherwise known as my extra head) started oozing and leaking so now I'm changing dressings twice a day and look more like a geek than before with this big white patch taped to my neck. Packing it at night with goldenseal and frankinsence (pricey stuff!). I'd post a picture, but it's unattractive.

It's been fun to sort of get settled here and make some improvements to Pamela's space. That's mostly done for now. Maybe I'll get excited and put new carpet and flooring in the bus, but seems like a lot of work for some more cosmetic stuff. Maybe I'll get the bike out and pump up the tires and start riding a tiny bit. Maybe I'll work on Pamela's biz website. Tried to put in a movie but i just can't suspend disbelief to that level and it's just a big distraction that doesn't really work for me anymore.

Riveting update, huh?

Friday, March 18, 2011

Doc visit report

I went to my doc a few weeks ago, got signed up for blood tests and yesterday had the visit with him where we went over results and talked about the future.

3_17_11 Back from doc. Blood tests are all in the normal range. I was particularly interested in liver and kidney function and they are good. Apparently the body is still functioning pretty optimally given the stress of having to deal with the cancer. Interestingly the body is not ‘seeing’ the inflammation in the neck. Can’t remember what category of numbers showed that, probably white blood cell count or something. Could be that it is dealing with the inflammation without a lot of stress or for some reason the cancer is masking itself from some immune system functions. Also testosterone levels were in the lower third of the normal range.

We talked about end of life issues and pain meds. I've been taking a lot more ibuprofen and sometimes some valium. We’re going to keep on trying more potent antidepressants, anti anxiety and sleep meds. Also going to try some testosterone injections. Might as well bring those levels up. They may help the immune system to function better.

I also got a referral to a radiation oncologist who might be willing to blast the offending area to shrink the thing. This would be considered palliative rather than curative.

What seems to happen after these doc visits that are focused on worst case scenarios and end of life issues is that I get thrown into a funky emotional place that takes some focus to shift. It’s all about death and sickness and ick. I’m not in resistance to any of this (most of the time) but you can’t create miracles of healing while filled with that kind of energy. In addition that energy gets buttressed and reflected by others. People want to freak out and get all morbid. There’s a certain inertia to it.

There’s been an emotional/spiritual process through all of this that I’ve described previously. There’s a knowing now that I CAN keep what I’ve gained without the constant threat of death; that the threat has done its work and there is a knowing that the cancer is not only willing to but wants to let go. It seems to be asking for acknowledgment of the good work that it has done and then encouraged to release, surrender and let go. This would be a focused and active process requiring a lot of quiet time. I’m also thinking about going into a Master Cleanse fast on 3/26 for 3 days with some added liver cleanse supplements and then come off that with raw vegetable juices but the energetic work is more important. The fasting generally takes away the little bit of energy that I have and I’m pretty much bed ridden for those days.

What came up for me yesterday

Surrender and Discernment
The only way to live that makes any rational sense is to live in a place where I embrace what happens in every aspect of my life. In other words, I might have a preference to not step in a puddle and get my sock soaking wet and have to wear the wet sock and shoe for hours, but IF the sock gets wet, I want to embrace that, not be in resistance to it. Otherwise I’m just in resistance to reality in numerous areas in my life on a constant basis. In this regard there is no difference between getting one’s sock wet or being sick or being creamed by a semi.

There is VERY little, virtually NO support for living in this way. With the exception of Adya and Jed, maybe we know NO ONE who lives in this way. So when we DO interact with others, we’re interacting with people who are several steps away from the ability to manage this level of acceptance. The tendency when around others is to show up on their level as in, “Yeah, the weather really sucks and I hate it when my car breaks down”. This is and can be ok, but I find I get sucked in and end up living in a similar place of resistance eventually and then have to stop and reconnect to acceptance.

Chico Pix

Friday, March 4, 2011

Do I have to put a title on this? Nah.

With each breath we are born anew and the the universe rearranges itself to meet us where we are. Things that were impossible a breath ago are now assured. What are we creating in this breath? What are we telling ourselves is true or possible?

Ok, ok, I'm not in resistance

You KNOW that stuff comes and goes like weather. I just like to announce that its not all ommmy all the time here in my egoic climate. Sometimes it seems to suck. Adya likes to say that consciousness changes all the time but what remains whether ur in bliss or fear, feeling oneness or not, what remains? Its not about getting all ur eggs in the peace side of the equation. It's about waking up from the whole thing.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


How's that workin' for ya?

In this moment I'm in some resistance. A) Just woke up from a brief nap, had coffee, moved one piece of furniture and some books and I'm dizzy already. Barely able to sit up. B) I don't want to BE the cancer guy anymore. Can we have a 'do-over' here?

Monday, February 28, 2011

First there is a mountain...

The Zensters have a saying (they always seem to have the best ones), "First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is". Arlo Guthrie sang a song about that a zillion years ago. I had no idea what it meant at the time (I was probably 18 or 19) and thought it was sorta silly. It was explained to me recently and I have been (and am) experiencing it.

Near as I can figure it means that first there is the experience that we are all separate beings, that the tree is a tree and the house is a house and that other person is another person. All of these things are separate from who we are. The mountain is a separate thing, a pile of rocks that has nothing really to do with me. "First there is a mountain." Even God or whatever word you want to use to describe the divine is a separate entity from us.

At some point, not through any effort on our part other than simply observing what is true, maybe not from a logical standpoint, but from an experience that occurs without mind, we may come to know that there is no separation, that there is only one thing and that we are no more separate from it than a drop of ocean water blowing off the top of a wave is separate from the ocean. Suddenly we discover that "There is no mountain" or at least that there is no mountain that is something separate from me. The mountain is me, the bum on the street corner is me, the bird at the feeder is me or really that I am none of these things, but all of these things including me are just waves and patterns of energy that are part of the whole. If that makes sense, then you're probably using your mind too much. Yeah, we can hold it as a concept or a belief, but that's different from the lived experience of it. It feels pretty amazing maybe and is the experience of 'no self'. It's heart breaking, all inclusive, freeing.

Over the many years of my spiritual seeking there has been an occasional glimpse of this, fleeting moments where I felt all at once this huge expansion and freedom. Then it would pretty immediately dissipate and might not return for months or a year and then another fleeting experience and then it would be gone again, leaving me more than a little bereft. For me and apparently for many, it's an experience that we want to hang on to. It feels good, we want more of it, we want to live in it, maybe there is an attempt to tighten our grip around it and like tightening our grip on a handful of water it is often gone as soon as we try to grasp it.

After much time alone in the wilderness over the many years of my life and strengthened by the experience of aloneness on this recent trip I seemed to be living consistently in the place of 'no mountain', no separation from anything, or to put it in a more positive frame, 'oneness'. It sounds all gooshy and ethereal but it wasn't. It's just like living in a different landscape. It feels right and proper and without any kind of judgment of 'better'. It just is.

I felt protective of it. Not so much grasping, but just enjoying and wanting to stay there. When I went to Sedona, the separation came back in. I felt it, watched it, invited it to some degree. "I'm just an egg" as Michael says in Heinlins, Stranger in a Strange Land. I don't grok all this in fullness. It's new territory for me.

Clearly it's time, as I've said in previous posts, to re-engage with the world. There is a mountain again. It is a separate entity from 'me'. And now I'm curious, not struggling (most of the time) to interact with the mountain and with other people, to hear the sirens and the airplanes and wander around in town and interface with humans while having the experience (again, not through effort, but through consistent observation from a place that doesn't use the mind) that there is no separation. It comes as it comes, it leaves when it leaves. Like the weather patterns.

More to become here. Until I grok in fullness.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

We obviously all know that our beliefs shape our reality

Bear with me while I figure out how life on the dirtball works please.

My kinda long standing attitude toward the dx has been, "Ok, if I'm going to die, I'm going to die. I'll do the best I can on the self care, but the rest is out of my hands."
Somewhere along the way that has shifted to, "If there's a SINGLE thing I can do to stop this within my abilities, both energetically and financially, I'm going to do it."

It's all been a lovely lesson in surrender and acceptance and still that underlies my actions and attitude, but if it's within my abilities, it's time to shift this.

There have been thousands of books written about belief and physical reality from relatively silly things like 'wishcraft' to Louise Hay to more science based works like Bruce Lipton's The Biology of Belief or Candace Pert's The Molecules of Emotion. It's also clear to me that if we can stop and listen long enough to ferret out what appears to be the universe's subtle instructions for us, that the important events just click into place. Yeah, I might still have an experience that looks like 'bad' stuff but if I listen hard enough, I can find value (some might think of it as the 'hidden meaning') in all of these events.

Duh, so if we know this and have read enough to convince ourselves that it is true, what is it that causes us to fall into despair or some other form of negativity that begets self destructive attitudes and behaviors when life throws us a curve ball or even a series of experiences that we deem 'bad'? Could it be ONLY a combination of precognitive programming buttressed by societal attitudes?

Here's an example from my life. I'm simplifying this to make a point. In actuality, the experience has been much richer of course.

I get the dx and my initial attitude is 'Well, that figures. Here I've been a good person all my life, raised a child to the best of my abilities, shown up for my friends in need (and all the rest of that sort of story) and the universe deals me a blow that is not only FATAL, but also painful and debilitating in every regard, strips me of my assets (and all the rest of that story). There's an 'F*** You, God' in that response. I'm sure you can feel it. Then most of the rest of the feedback my little ego gets from friends and family supports this attitude (no blame or judgment in that, it's what we know and how we're taught).

K, it's true that my family of origin belief system was basically that the universe is out to trample you into the ground and only through super human effort can you keep from getting squished. Obviously, that's my programming. There are other aspects to my core story like, 'no matter what you do, you can't possibly be good enough', but let's just stick with The Universe Hates Your Guts to keep it simple. So given that programming, how else could one possibly respond to the dx except with either super human effort (did that) and then a big fat defeatist attitude when it doesn't seem to be working? UNLESS I'm able to see that programming for what it is.

Why do ANY of us EVER carry around this old patterning that happened before we old enough to discern what we wanted to carry and what we didn't?

Friday, February 25, 2011

Just back from doc

So in about 3 weeks or so the big left side (driver's side to all you car peeps) has about tripled in size. It wants action, my full attention. No fear in this now, seldom is because I recognize fear as some kinda future tripping activity. In this moment it's all fine. I don't feel any different. Still have the same symptoms to the same degree. Low energy, dizzyness, sometimes some nausea. I got some blood drawn but those tests have never turned up anything interesting. I seem to be completely healthy in every other way.
Doc says prognosis is that either it could turn into an open wound and stay that way or obviously metastasize further to brain, lungs, liver, whatever. He had some suggestions about chasing after some IV alternative therapies (about 4k/month with nothing like a guarantee) or maybe find some radiation oncologist who'd be willing to just bombard that one spot and slow it down and make it smaller.
The cancer LOVES that kind of talk. Ooooh, let's all get into the death thing. After leaving the docs office and before the blood draw I sat in the car and shifted the energy in a dozen or so breaths.

More On this new landscape I'm inhabiting

IThere isn't some fatalism going on. The experience that I'm having is much richer than I can convey in a blog post or two. It's clear that the cancer has done what it needed to do, stopped me in my tracks and caused me to explore deeply the nature of existence. Now that we no longer need this life threatening experience, i can muster all of the resources to shut it down and I am and will continue to and I feel certain that I can. I can feel this body healthy and very strong and there is much more soul work to do here. The way is clear.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

It's obvious that we've reached a critical moment

The Main tumor is big enough that it's going to have to either stop growing or start getting smaller if I'm going to last another year or more. Thats just the way it is. Little bit of pain now but sooner or later it's going to impact some critical function, whether swallowing or blood flow or spine or nervous system. Time for a change here. I feel a seismic shift in how I hold it emotionally. Will that be enough? We will find out.I'm working it as best I can with all that I am and have become.

Just sharing the process here

It's never the experience that's the problem, it's only what you're telling yourself about the experience that can be a problem (Adyashanti). OK, the experience might be pain or weakness or nausea which can be unpleasant, but for me if I just try it on being fully present it's more interesting than it is 'bad'. When I start worrying about what the future might entail or start wishing the experience was other than it is, then it becomes a problem.

I'm an Aries, ok, ruled by Mars. There's a warrior element to my personality. Everything is a battle. There's the feeling that I MUST win, MUST achieve and that i can accomplish that through focused and intense effort. Accepting the way that I am wired rather than trying to fight against it allows it to settle in and then it's not a problem just like some aspect of my body , the way my nose looks, hair loss, isn't a problem when I accept it and just allow it to be the way it is.

With limited time on the dirtball (true for all of us) and given my warrior wiring there's an efforting that arises and an intense desire (based on fear of running out of time) to 'get it' whatever it is, in this case, some level of consciousness perhaps. The little ego thing is so sneaky that it could even turn non efforting into another technique or strategy. Shoot must be time to surrender surrendering. :-)

Monday, February 21, 2011

OK, yeah, I'm concerned that what I write here might seem stupid

But on we go with it.

Can I have the detachment without the cancer? In other words if the cancer went away would I still be able to maintain my awareness that this existence is only a small fraction of what I am? Could I still not take it too damned seriously? How would I keep the knowing that this life isn't the whole enchilada without consistently embracing my own mortality?

Can I do this life without the symptoms? How attached am I to the cancer and my identification as 'the guy with the terminal diagnosis?'

My god, what a process this has been. All of the loss and grief and finally acceptance. I am currently mostly free from identification with life on earth. Being alone for so long aided that and I'm attached to that now! Attached to being free from that. Now I've sorta rejoined life am in a relationship, visiting with friends and strangers both (ok, minimally) but still it feels like I have reengaged. No I'm not interested in tracking the latest sports events or the unrest in Egypt or learning much of anything. I can't watch tv or hardly any movies. That feels like watching people pretend to be real in a world that has very little reality to it in the first place. Like watching actors on a stage who are watching a play and trying to take any of it seriously. I just can't suspend belief to that extent.

Most of my time is spent either in meditation or in inquiry. I'm either sorta connecting to that part of me that existed before I was born and continues on after I die or in watching the body and mind that I'm inhabiting go through the routines of doing things, interacting with people and having feelings about it all.

On Freeing Oneself from Ego

You don't ever get rid of the ego and its identification with life on the dirtball, you just don't give it a whole lot of credence, your relationship to it changes. You allow it to do whatever it is doing because it too is a part of the experience. If there's fear, great, allpw the fear to be, if there is sadness, have the sadness. Resistance in this too is pointless and only causes suffering.

On to the Good Stuff...Finally

Or What I Learned On Winter Vacation

The most consciously loving thing I can ever do for someone (and only when asked) is to hold up the mirror whether reflecting amazing sweetness or something challenging even if it costs me the friendship or the relationship. Being willing to take that risk. Maybe that's obvious.

More Turtle Mtn Pix

Ok, one more update. Call it Needles to Chico

Then we can get into the good stuff.

P and I headed back to Turtle Mountain Wilderness Area. She had planned to stay for 11 days and ended up extending it another 8 or so. We had a great 3 weeks at Turtle Mtn, I took her to Vegas for the flight back to Chico.

I had planned to stay for another 2 months near Joshua Tree and pick her up at LAX on April 2, but after a week or so I developed some symptoms that concerned me and P and I had begun conversations about relationship so I headed for Chico to see my doc and continue the conversations with P in person. I arrived in Chico on Feb 7 and will be seeing my doc on the 24th, this Thursday. I'd like to get some blood tests, and talk about the rapid tumor growth. Basically check in and see if there's anything new going on and what I might be able to do about it.

Needless to say there has been lots of discussion between myself and P about relationship, my prognosis, concerns for the future and all of the usual angsty and sweet and loving issues about life on the dirtball.