Thursday, December 31, 2009

Open Your Heart 2

After you have opened your mind, open your heart. Yes, it's hard, takes courage, can be painful, but are you going to live half present or all present?

Open Your Heart

It's all heartbreak when you're truly aware; the joy of playing with a child, the first bite of a hot french fry or seeing a derelict at the corner who looks so badly used that you wonder how he's alive, or the broken heart of a profound love lost, or the silhouette of a eucalyptus along the highway in the central valley as the sunlight begins to fade.

Your heart is wide open until you can't STAND it (cuz it's scary to be that vulnerable, because when you were vulnerable before as a child or in relationship, you got hurt) and then you distract yourself with something, a story, a piece of gum, calculating the distance to your destination when you don't really need to or anything else that shuts it down.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

one goal

There is only one goal for me and why would I be interested in any other?
It is the goal of being completely in the flow, that doesn't mean that 'bad' things won't happen; that I'll be on the bed dizzy and nauseous or that I'll die in a car crash or robbed and beaten in a rest stop somewhere. I don't say these things because I'm morbid, but just as examples. And it doesn't mean that good things don't happen like transendent love making and ecstatic joyfulness.

Being in the flow isn't letting go of what is.
It is giving up control and identification with the limited version of reality which is self.
The incredible relief of realizing that the ego perspective is a very limited view of godhood, that it cannot reach that state and the relief of looking beyond the ego's viewpoint.

Everything else that I do, that happens is a tool for the repeated realization (because I seem to slip in and out of it) that I am a wave, looking for the ocean, while a part of the ocean.

There IS a great release, relief in the awareness that I have no control.
I am thistledown on the wind, blown where the wind will blow me.
You still have to clean the bathroom and brush your teeth and drive the bus in heavy traffic sometimes or figure out how you're going to pay the bills, but there's almost a humor in it, seeing the little ego mind doing it's thing.

So I minimize the amount of energy required to maintain self while still doing an impeccable job of it to the best of my ability, honoring god by appreciating what we have to work with, the body and the mind.

And I am compelled by the blowing wind to share this experience of life on earth with others, both those that can grok where I'm at and what's important to me (because they help fan the flames) and also those who can't, because they are still brother and sister waves. They are all part of who I am.

When i'm in fully 'released from control' mode, it doesn't feel like it's this magical place where i feel special or even particularly joyous.
That's kind of surprising to me. I kinda thought it would.
I do feel relieved but it feels pretty ordinary. I actually have to check in once in a while. 'does ego think it's in control in this now? No? Are you sure? Yes? Good. Thank you.'
Then I continue to do whatever I was doing.

We return you now to your regularly scheduled program. angst or joy, whichever you choose.

Paraphrased from Adya, strongly resonated

To be upset about being crucified just doesn’t work either
To be upset about the possibility of never again having another transcendent relationship or transcendent moment, doesn’t help.

You work your way through various levels of letting go, but when you get down to the deepest level, it’s an existential level. It’s not a psychological level although that’s there too. At that level of being, there is just the will to survive, the avoidance of not existing as well as the avoidance of the reality of who you are beyond a mind and a body. That level is kinesthetic, visceral, you feel it physically and it is terrifying. We all say that ‘life is all an illusion,’ but at this level, where you’re being crucified it feels very real.

At that level you get shoved into a corner that gets smaller and smaller and smaller and the further you go, the less your distractions work. When you finally get all the way down to the end, you realize that nothing works here.

It is beyond rational thinking. There are a million and one rational reasons to never let go of holding onto survival and control and identity and self will. It makes no sense.

Ultimately something arises that says, ‘yes, I’ll let go of that too, I’ll die anyway right here and right now.’ All of the spiritual chasing gets condensed down into this single point where it’s all really been coming from anyway. When you finally let go, it’s a great relief.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

so now seeming struggle

so much fell into place of it's own accord for so long. sure, there was fear, but it wasn't hard to accept or deal with. There has been lots to take care of and there is still quite a bit it seems in order to get myself to Nogales for dental work while completing the final aspects of semipermanently shifting life to nomadic. But now, I go out to do something and there are pieces missing. I can't see the perfection at this time. Feels like struggle. I'm still sure the perfection is there, I just can't see it.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Like I'm waiting to get home

I still haven't made the psych shift to the idea that this is my home wherever it's parked.

It's like I'm waiting to get home before I do certain things. Like you're on a trip visiting friends or something, instead of living every day in the RV. There's a certain discomfort, hard to hold the total peace, because you're not 'home'.
Like you have to kinda hurry to get to the next place because time is limited, you're going to run out of vacation (I have enough of that angst already, cause I think I may run out of lifetime before i do what, i don't know. Like what's the goal again?).

So I find myself waiting to 'get home' before I do this or that, take better care of myself or whatever. Yeah, I know this is a new experience and it's going to take a bit of time to get used to, this nomadism. Combined with just fear of the unknown on so many levels, it will be a good thing to shift.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Life is like going to a movie by Adya

Life is like going to a movie
What would be the point of going to a movie and reminding yourself you’re at a movie the whole time?
As soon as you remember it’s a movie, you know it’s a bad one, right?
It hasn’t been good enough to get you to suspend your disbelief.
When you go to a good movie you automatically suspend your disbelief.
You laugh when you’re supposed to laugh
You cry when you’re supposed to cry.
Nobody fell in love, nobody was killed, but we willingly go to have this experience.
At the same time something in you knows it’s not real.
If someone got hauled out and shot in front of you it would leave a lasting impression.
People go to a movie and watch hundreds of people slaughtered while they’re eating popcorn and sipping coke.
They can feel for the people being slaughtered but something inside them knows it’s not real.
Therefore it doesn’t usually leave a lasting impression.
You’re in the world but not of it.
You know it’s not real but you’re not always reminding yourself it’s not real.
That’s the razor’s edge.
If you get caught on either side, the point is totally lost.
It would be like being in a movie and saying, ‘it’s not real, it’s not real’

When you reach for awareness

You can't make enlightenment happen. There's nothing you can 'do' to achieve full consciousness. It comes of it's own accord when you remove every ego/mind/body/thought block to it.

When you reach for the highest levels of awareness what you’re asking for is that every issue you’ve ever had be brought to the surface to be healed.

Every button you’ve ever had will be pushed and pushed again until those buttons no longer exist or you give up and crawl back into your denial.

Your issues and buttons and fears are what stand between you and consciousness.

Once you reach a certain point, the only way out is in.
You're given the ability to deal with it when you're ready to take the next step, heal the next issue.

What do you fear most? That’s where you’re headed.

The Veil Seems Thin

The veil seems very thin this time of year between the physical and the unmanifest. Life feels very strange to me today. Like I'm more on the far side than this side. I'm not talking morbidity here, more like seeing the separation as the illusion that it truly is. Purpose and meaning in dirtworld really become about loving. Sometimes that loving causes people some painful growth, like when someone grieves our parting either through death or distance. My job is to just continue to love with all of the integrity that I am and allow people to experience what they are called to experience. Not callous, not thoughtless, but neither protecting them from their experiences.

Today, I move to Chico for the final week of preparation. You'd think that I was leaving on an around the world voyage. I look forward to getting past the remainder of this particular transition so that I have the time and energy to just 'be' again and write hopefully with a clearer head (and do better self care).

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Shifting All Negativity

I was sitting in ‘it’ this morning, allowing the teachings to filter past my ego’s desire to set an agenda and be in control. Up at 5, this is my time to sit in my skin (in the skin of the infinite) and see what appears. Now that my mh is in ‘liveable’ shape (i.e. I can find most of the things I NEED if not all of the things I might want, and can make meals) I’m able to return to my practice of staying connected to truth and keeping this physical body healthy enough to take me the next steps down the path. This body may have been somewhat compromised by what has occurred (all of my own creation) but it is good enough to get me ‘home’ and for that I am tearfully grateful.

Today’s info:

1. Fear is all the same (judgment and fear or any ‘not love’ are the same thing, btw). It doesn’t matter what causes it or triggers it, energetically all of the negativity is identical.

Once you understand that at a cellular level, that is you sit with it and fully realize it and allow the knowledge to become real, you can shift all of the ‘not love’ as a single energetic entity, to love or light or whatever you want to call it. The shift is not an action that we take. The action is sitting in the awareness. The shift happens of its own accord when we set it up energetically and then simply ‘allow’.

2. Small judgments (defined as a negative take on an event in a ‘now’) create a path that leads to separation from oneness. Like attracts like. It can be as small as ‘oh shit, I forgot to buy coffee on the way home yesterday’ followed by a feeling as subtle as ‘that sucks’ or ‘that was dumb’. As a matter of fact, normally the HUGE things that we trip over are more obvious. We don’t tend so much to trip over logs as we do small sticks in the path. The logs are more obvious and we adjust our gait to accommodate them. We are given the ability in any moment to ‘correct’ such a judgment. The correction could be as small as ‘I forgot to buy coffee last night. I wonder what that is supposed to show me’. If allowed to settle in the body uncorrected, the choice (and it is a choice) for ‘not love’ can set up an energetic field tainted by negativity which can be as self fulfilling as a positive outlook. ‘What you believe, you will see’. We are asked to be diligent in our perception because each moment in time is a new reality, a new ‘now’ and in each now, there is a choice. This is the more challenging aspect, the diligence, the consistency.

Dat’s all I know for now. Now I go sit to fully realize point one.

Love to all you are, all you see, all with whom you interact

Monday, December 7, 2009

Goddess is always with us

Goddess is always with us. Oh, she has her plan all right.

“I have come unto you for a purpose and you have called me to you, for you are ready, mostly willing.
I will show you everything although you will feel frightened by it sometimes, and angry and the sadness of it will tear at your heart. You can not hide from seeing and be whole.
I am with you always. My wings surround you. Call to me, cherish the wonder of my body which is the heavens and the earth. Come often for you will often need to be cradled in my arms.
You will cry.
I will hold you. You will be frightened and I will caress you, soothe you.

Your tears are so powerful, they nurture all of creation.”


I think, as I said, that by the time you eliminate people who don't come from the same socio/economic background, eliminate a fairly large percentage of the remainder that has not even BEGUN to do their emotional work, eliminate from those, people with whom you don't have good chemistry or who have other problems and then figure you're working with a handful of MEN! Yup, you've just killed off about 99% of your population. :-) I actually know and respect a pretty large number of guys who HAVE done a lot of their work and are strong, hard working and emotionally intelligent. (but they already HAVE boyfriends) Just kidding. You've heard that one? I know a bunch of heterosexual great guys as well. They are somewhat rare but they do exist. They are the kinds of het guys with whom I maintain friendships. I don’t have any male friends who don't basically meet those criteria.

OK, in fact what I call REAL men are faced with the same odds, if you will. Most women that I know COMPLAIN that there are no guys who are emotionally available AND manly (strong, courageous, capable, or whatever), reasonably attractive and good team mates. But they are actually ATTRACTED to guys who are arrogant, self absorbed and borderline abusive. I can guarantee that this is true because many years ago I tested that theory. To get completely nerdy on the subject, you might attribute this to historical conditioning. These types are seen, perhaps, as strong and able to protect the cave and the family.

OK, I'll admit that there is one other category of men that a certain large group of women find attractive and that is guys who are wealthy. The Take Care of Me class of females and they are quite abundant. An associated group of women are those that neeeeeeed to be taken care of emotionally. I guess that goes for a lot of guys also. In theory, at least, there are a greater number of women who are emotionally well-balanced. I wonder sometimes if it's actually true.

I think the only way this ever works in the modern world among reasonably well-balanced people is when equals get together and are completely aware of the importance and value of doing whatever work is involved to deal with their OWN issues as they come up AND to make an ongoing and considerable investment in the relationship. Doesn't mean that we are strong in all areas and that girls can't be girls and boys can't be boys. Just need to discuss, make agreements and figure out ways to make it all work.

I have said that relationships are one of the faster paths to enlightenment (the other being terminal disease :-)) If two people are truly loving and in relationship, whatever 'stuff' you have that ISN'T love will bubble to the surface to be healed by love. In a healthy, balanced relationship, stuff bubbles to the surface and your partner supports you in working it out. Requires time and energy and focus. Also, it seems that some of the 'stuff' that YOU are packing around fits like a key in a lock to whatever 'stuff' your PARTNER is packing around. This can sometimes be quite volatile. That's why it takes incredible commitment. Just how important is a real relationship? Maybe just easier to avoid the whole thing and do serial dating for the rest of our lives? :-)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Fear of the Unknown

This morning, that's what is cooking for me. So, a quick update. I sold the land, the big RV and the big truck that pulled it. Too much for me to haul around and I want to travel. I was done with being alone up on that mountainside and I needed money to get by since working is not currently an option. I need and want to visit friends and family in this little stretch of the future (if the future exists of course). I don't know how long I'll be around (none of us really do), but I have this diagnosis, so I'm just doing what I'm told.

There's also sadness about leaving behind all of this stuff that I've become attached to; people, land, my trees and shrubs and gardens and, and, and.

So I breathe, focusing on 'I AM' and nothing beyond that statement. I can catalog what I am not. Not the body, not the mind or ok, all of those things too, but the underlying me encompasses those and the rest of the all. Guess you had to be there.