Monday, March 28, 2011

So Yeah, Yesterday sucked

Got some alone time sitting in the dark in the rain and wind. Physical pain and lots of emotional angst. Just what I needed actually. Sit in the experience, push all the buttons, see what comes up. What's left. Really like I ordered it up.

Today there's some left over resistance, but much lighter and so I listen, see what's indicated in this now.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

OK. I don't know how to do this.

I don't know how to have this cancer thing, this ugly growth on my neck oozing nasty goo. I didn't get any training in it. Yes, I DO have a beautiful life and i DO know how lucky I am to have so much love in my life.

Shoot. I don't even want to post this, but I'd be holding back if I didn't. It's not that I'm afraid to admit that I don't know how to play this role. I mean, duh, everybody knows that already. And it's easy for me to admit that sometimes I'm afraid. Everybody knows that too. It's admitting that sometimes I'm really sad. I don't want anyone to freak out and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I really am good with it all but I also ride the roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I deny the emotions for awhile and then they come through in a flood when it gets to the point that i can't dam them up anymore with the usual distractions.

I really appreciate all of the love and support. People I don't even KNOW are sending me lovely wishes and prayers and offers of help. I'm really grateful. I get the love coming my way. I'm not a big phone guy and I DO spend a lot of time alone and kinda prefer it. I don't need a thing really. I'm pretty self sufficient and intend to stay that way.

So thanks so much. No worries, mates. There's a plan. It's a good one. I have no idea what it is other than continuing to be aware of what's happening, how I feel about it, do the best I can to polish the lens through which I view the world, be as present as I can as much as I can and be grateful for all of it.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

last days of storm and rains (we hope)

I arrived here in Chico in early Feb, had 1 week of mid 60's weather, then a week of really cold, been pretty much raining ever since. Eeesh. Maybe 4 weeks. Finally looks like mostly sun for a week or so. Yeah, I'm just whining. I had a couple of mornings of being in full resistance. Stomped my feet and had a little tantrum. I could see what was going on with my attitude and decided to play the part. Had me laughing in about 10 minutes. I'm going to do a week of pretty much quiet time and fasting.

Shortly after the last doc visit the neck thing (otherwise known as my extra head) started oozing and leaking so now I'm changing dressings twice a day and look more like a geek than before with this big white patch taped to my neck. Packing it at night with goldenseal and frankinsence (pricey stuff!). I'd post a picture, but it's unattractive.

It's been fun to sort of get settled here and make some improvements to Pamela's space. That's mostly done for now. Maybe I'll get excited and put new carpet and flooring in the bus, but seems like a lot of work for some more cosmetic stuff. Maybe I'll get the bike out and pump up the tires and start riding a tiny bit. Maybe I'll work on Pamela's biz website. Tried to put in a movie but i just can't suspend disbelief to that level and it's just a big distraction that doesn't really work for me anymore.

Riveting update, huh?

Friday, March 18, 2011

Doc visit report

I went to my doc a few weeks ago, got signed up for blood tests and yesterday had the visit with him where we went over results and talked about the future.

3_17_11 Back from doc. Blood tests are all in the normal range. I was particularly interested in liver and kidney function and they are good. Apparently the body is still functioning pretty optimally given the stress of having to deal with the cancer. Interestingly the body is not ‘seeing’ the inflammation in the neck. Can’t remember what category of numbers showed that, probably white blood cell count or something. Could be that it is dealing with the inflammation without a lot of stress or for some reason the cancer is masking itself from some immune system functions. Also testosterone levels were in the lower third of the normal range.

We talked about end of life issues and pain meds. I've been taking a lot more ibuprofen and sometimes some valium. We’re going to keep on trying more potent antidepressants, anti anxiety and sleep meds. Also going to try some testosterone injections. Might as well bring those levels up. They may help the immune system to function better.

I also got a referral to a radiation oncologist who might be willing to blast the offending area to shrink the thing. This would be considered palliative rather than curative.

What seems to happen after these doc visits that are focused on worst case scenarios and end of life issues is that I get thrown into a funky emotional place that takes some focus to shift. It’s all about death and sickness and ick. I’m not in resistance to any of this (most of the time) but you can’t create miracles of healing while filled with that kind of energy. In addition that energy gets buttressed and reflected by others. People want to freak out and get all morbid. There’s a certain inertia to it.

There’s been an emotional/spiritual process through all of this that I’ve described previously. There’s a knowing now that I CAN keep what I’ve gained without the constant threat of death; that the threat has done its work and there is a knowing that the cancer is not only willing to but wants to let go. It seems to be asking for acknowledgment of the good work that it has done and then encouraged to release, surrender and let go. This would be a focused and active process requiring a lot of quiet time. I’m also thinking about going into a Master Cleanse fast on 3/26 for 3 days with some added liver cleanse supplements and then come off that with raw vegetable juices but the energetic work is more important. The fasting generally takes away the little bit of energy that I have and I’m pretty much bed ridden for those days.

What came up for me yesterday

Surrender and Discernment
The only way to live that makes any rational sense is to live in a place where I embrace what happens in every aspect of my life. In other words, I might have a preference to not step in a puddle and get my sock soaking wet and have to wear the wet sock and shoe for hours, but IF the sock gets wet, I want to embrace that, not be in resistance to it. Otherwise I’m just in resistance to reality in numerous areas in my life on a constant basis. In this regard there is no difference between getting one’s sock wet or being sick or being creamed by a semi.

There is VERY little, virtually NO support for living in this way. With the exception of Adya and Jed, maybe we know NO ONE who lives in this way. So when we DO interact with others, we’re interacting with people who are several steps away from the ability to manage this level of acceptance. The tendency when around others is to show up on their level as in, “Yeah, the weather really sucks and I hate it when my car breaks down”. This is and can be ok, but I find I get sucked in and end up living in a similar place of resistance eventually and then have to stop and reconnect to acceptance.

Chico Pix

Friday, March 4, 2011

Do I have to put a title on this? Nah.

With each breath we are born anew and the the universe rearranges itself to meet us where we are. Things that were impossible a breath ago are now assured. What are we creating in this breath? What are we telling ourselves is true or possible?

Ok, ok, I'm not in resistance

You KNOW that stuff comes and goes like weather. I just like to announce that its not all ommmy all the time here in my egoic climate. Sometimes it seems to suck. Adya likes to say that consciousness changes all the time but what remains whether ur in bliss or fear, feeling oneness or not, what remains? Its not about getting all ur eggs in the peace side of the equation. It's about waking up from the whole thing.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


How's that workin' for ya?

In this moment I'm in some resistance. A) Just woke up from a brief nap, had coffee, moved one piece of furniture and some books and I'm dizzy already. Barely able to sit up. B) I don't want to BE the cancer guy anymore. Can we have a 'do-over' here?