Jumping off the cliff in total surrender

The information was clear. Not like I didn’t revisit it constantly for months. ‘Are you sure?!!!!” It didn’t say “Follow the instructions and you’ll be ok, you’ll be taken care of.” Just “Sell the land, get in the RV and drive away from your life.” No hint of a warranty like, “Your satisfaction guaranteed or double your money (or your life) back.” As I acted on the instructions all these zillions of tiny little pieces began falling into place to make it happen. The land sold without even advertising it. The old RV sold before I was sure I was going to sell it. Someone called the same day and wanted to buy my truck. Miraculously my disability went through in 2 months instead of the usual 6-12 months, facilitated by a Social Security employee who when I called back to thank her was just gone. No one in the office could tell me who she was.

When I got in the RV the first time and drove away, I didn't know if I was gonna hit the right or left turn signal when I got to I 5. I figured it was just as likely that I would die alone in a rest area as live for another 6 months. I was taking action that was obviously 'indicated' without any thought for the possible consequences.

I'm still learning to do this. It’s not like there’s some achievement that you can bank on later. Awareness, consciousness has no shelf life. Just because I was 'tuned in' to the divine yesterday doesn't mean that I’m going to feel connected to it today, though it does get easier with cumulative experience (I think). Wanting to be connected doesn't make it happen. It actually blocks it because I’m interpreting the lack as something being ‘wrong’ with what currently exists. All I can do is peel away the layers of filtering between myself and the little quiet voice. Peel away layers of fear and egoic attachment and suddenly I peel back the last layer not even knowing it is the last layer and then like the last layer of an onion, there's just nothing. Nothing. And I’m home. At least for awhile. Until I discover the next dragon, fear, layer. And I start again with no goal, no guarantee of any kind. And each time it feels like it might kill me. It’s not some small controllable process with a known outcome. It’s jumping off the cliff in total surrender.