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So I try this on. “If a large, oozing, somewhat painful tumor on the side of my neck is what the universe wants for me, then that’s what I want for me too.”
Easy for me to hold that if the universe wants to cure it than I want to cure it too, but the previous statement presents one hell of a challenge for me. “Nothing is ever wrong in my world” Nisargadatta.
It’s the relentless divine continuing to pound away at my belief that what I am IS this body and mind.
Trying to hold that it’s getting better and leaving my body becomes a challenge when I see it getting larger and angrier looking week by week.
I’ve been in major resistance. Everyf*ingthing is just WRONG! Foreclosures, politics, slow people in grocery stores, traffic, weather. And then I see the lilacs in bloom and a little girl in the store who is playing and those things are ‘right’! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh! F*k! Ick!
And all of my resistance is just f*ing suffering and all I have to do is allow my f*ing heart to f*ing break again. LET the sadness happen. ALLOW the fact that I don’t f*ing know shit! That I CAN’T DO THIS SHIT! I can’t hold this. I don’t know how. It’s beyond my abilities. I don’t have the courage. I don’t have the strength. It’s too much to expect of me. You can put all of the “I’s” and “me’s” in quotes if that helps. It’s totally clear and right to me that the ego/mind thing CAN’T deal with this. That surrender is the constant and that “I” can’t do that either.
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You do have the courage and you do have the strength. I think there comes a point in our earthly life for each of us when that courage and strength are necessary to just say okay, I'm ready. Whether it's ready to be healed or ready to leave this earth. Whichever path is chosen for us, we need to be prepared to walk it. And that scares me because I know I'm not prepared. But I do know we are loved. Loved more than anything we can comprehend as mortals. And it's okay to falter. Even Christ faltered and asked for the cup to be lifted. I truly wish I could make it better for you, but that is not my right. I can only send you my love from afar and offer my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, Dan. I mean, I'm not talking about cancer, I'm just talking about the weight of my own cross, and I can't do it. I don't have the courage. I don't have the strength. I don't have the vision. I don't have the patience. But precious God can fill the empty cup till it overflows. Only through the total, utter, and constant surrender that you speak of. Nothing is impossible when I take the big ME out of the picture and surrender every suffering to God for completion, perfection, healing and purity. Yes, the surrender is constant, and you're right, we can't do that alone either. Good work, you!!
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