So I try this on. “If a large, oozing, somewhat painful tumor on the side of my neck is what the universe wants for me, then that’s what I want for me too.”
Easy for me to hold that if the universe wants to cure it than I want to cure it too, but the previous statement presents one hell of a challenge for me. “Nothing is ever wrong in my world” Nisargadatta.
It’s the relentless divine continuing to pound away at my belief that what I am IS this body and mind.
Trying to hold that it’s getting better and leaving my body becomes a challenge when I see it getting larger and angrier looking week by week.
I’ve been in major resistance. Everyf*ingthing is just WRONG! Foreclosures, politics, slow people in grocery stores, traffic, weather. And then I see the lilacs in bloom and a little girl in the store who is playing and those things are ‘right’! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh! F*k! Ick!
And all of my resistance is just f*ing suffering and all I have to do is allow my f*ing heart to f*ing break again. LET the sadness happen. ALLOW the fact that I don’t f*ing know shit! That I CAN’T DO THIS SHIT! I can’t hold this. I don’t know how. It’s beyond my abilities. I don’t have the courage. I don’t have the strength. It’s too much to expect of me. You can put all of the “I’s” and “me’s” in quotes if that helps. It’s totally clear and right to me that the ego/mind thing CAN’T deal with this. That surrender is the constant and that “I” can’t do that either.
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