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But on we go with it.
Can I have the detachment without the cancer? In other words if the cancer went away would I still be able to maintain my awareness that this existence is only a small fraction of what I am? Could I still not take it too damned seriously? How would I keep the knowing that this life isn't the whole enchilada without consistently embracing my own mortality?
Can I do this life without the symptoms? How attached am I to the cancer and my identification as 'the guy with the terminal diagnosis?'
My god, what a process this has been. All of the loss and grief and finally acceptance. I am currently mostly free from identification with life on earth. Being alone for so long aided that and I'm attached to that now! Attached to being free from that. Now I've sorta rejoined life am in a relationship, visiting with friends and strangers both (ok, minimally) but still it feels like I have reengaged. No I'm not interested in tracking the latest sports events or the unrest in Egypt or learning much of anything. I can't watch tv or hardly any movies. That feels like watching people pretend to be real in a world that has very little reality to it in the first place. Like watching actors on a stage who are watching a play and trying to take any of it seriously. I just can't suspend belief to that extent.
Most of my time is spent either in meditation or in inquiry. I'm either sorta connecting to that part of me that existed before I was born and continues on after I die or in watching the body and mind that I'm inhabiting go through the routines of doing things, interacting with people and having feelings about it all.
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I am so happy for you. You know how important I think relationships are. The Lord gave us the ability to love, not only Him, but others who can enrich our lives and share them with us.
ReplyDeleteI like thinking about existence in those terms - connection to that part of me that existed before I was born and continues on after I die. Thank you for sharing.
What are you talking about?! It's all about perspective. Think about how much you appreciate things that are fleeting. How many of us love rainbows and shooting stars? If those things just lasted and lasted they wouldn't seem so special. You realize how beautiful and precious life can be because you spend your time realizing what is true for all of us, that life is fleeting.
ReplyDeleteAND you spend so much time dwarfing the rest of us intellectually, it might be good to look stupid every once in a while! :) It would make me feel better. Sadly, this isn't one of those moments.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminded me of something I read the other day about people not being concerned about what happened before they were born. That's not an issue for anyone.
ReplyDeleteGeorge is sitting with me. He just came in from outside and his fur smells good. :)