Then you fall off the wagon again

What? Did you expect to hold onto freedom all the time?
You think that when you get there, that's it?
Your work here is done?
You can be above it all for the remainder of your days?
You can be at peace all the time?

I've always had to work pretty hard at whatever I wanted to get good at and this is no exception.
This is one of those places where intelligence is probably not helpful and in fact may be harmful.
This is not one of those things like calculating the sun's angle of incidence at 1 pm for a particular geographical position and time of year.
It's not like figuring out a better way to manage a couple of dozen employees.
In many respects it doesn't have a dirtworld application.

After being so comfortable and confident and feeling like there's some sense in all this (a lovely high, btw) the slightest little toe stub sends you reeling back to the pits of your self created hell. Maybe it's the contrast between states that makes it so hard.

Even though I KNOW that there's treasure in the dark hard places even THAT can seem so pointless on the level of existence.

I was pretty sick for a number of days in a row. I don't know how to describe it. Like the life force is SO low that you're floating in the tween state between embodiment and death for hours. Sometimes that feels painful, sometimes I am merely curious. Sometimes it feels like I'm hanging on for 'dear life'.

That's just my truth. No holds barred. My quality of life was pretty dismal there for a bit. Then being here DOES seem pointless.

When you ask god, beg him/her to go all the way into complete knowing, you're jumped onto the back of an animal that you have absolutely no control over. You've entered a realm that is going to take you to your own personal hell over and over and over again. Maybe you'll come back and maybe you won't. There are no guarantees and you can't back out or change your mind.

Push yourself up off the ground again, can you sit, can you stand? No mercy. Is there a reward at the end of this? Is it worth it?