WTF is my problem?

In what ways do my ‘injuries’ from childhood still keep me from showing up? In what ways do they impact my life?

I talked to J about the dream in which she says she’s tired of being influenced by this old stuff. It’s ok for her or me to help others but when people try to love us or help us or even TOUCH us, we flinch a bit just because we were betrayed or injured as freaking children when we truly needed assistance or support. I still have that. I’m afraid that whoever it is will pull the rug out from under me at some point, they won’t be there for me when I need them. Eeesh. And who needs who here? What do I ‘need’? What is a ‘need’ that god won’t provide? He may kill me but that’s beside the point, He may allow me to be stabbed to death on a street corner, but that’s beside the point. Come ON! Get this!

Jesus. Sometimes this seems incredibly slow. I’m STILL protecting the fragile little egoic self! Someone might hurt my f*ing feelings! Oh. My. God!

I get that when the experience and the experiencer become one, when the experience is no longer filtered through the ego/mind that the rules of the game are very different. I’ve had moments in which I’ve experienced it. I understand that in order to get to be ‘ok’ with death, that’s where it has to come from. If the ego is the one that’s experiencing death, htf is it going to be ok with that? If there is only the experience of leaving this body behind without the mindfuck of rational (mis)interpretation than it is just the experience. What good does that do you if you can’t get there and stay there? Yes, I assume that when ‘my time comes’ that I will at some point drop into that place, but I sure as heck would like to be able to hold it right now and not wait.