Life is weird

But you knew that. Surrounded by suffering in the world and dysfunction, we are asked to keep the faith. I am an inconsistent guru.

There's a number floating around out there. I heard it first from Bruce Lipton, PhD, cellular biologist that the brain is processing 4 trillion bits of info/second. Could have been billion instead of trillion, but a big freaking number anyway. No wonder I'm tired a lot. :-). Point 2. All thoughts are creative. Nothing on the planet ever was created that wasn't first thought of. If you feel like 'it ain't going to work' then you get your creative wish. If you feel like 'I can do it', then you're likely to create that outcome. Better watch what you wish for. Point C. Thoughts, then, are prayers, because they create. What are YOU praying for 4 billion times/second?

Now that you know just what a whack job I am...

We'll resume our previous train of thought.

Things that keep me alive.

Tina first and foremost. I'd be gone by now if it wasn't for her telling me to take my supplements and do my work whatever I conceive that to be. I was diagnosed 5 weeks after we got together and I told her at the time to leave, that she didn't want to be around when I started getting sick that she hadn't known me long enough to want to be a caretaker for a dying man. She wouldn't go and she's still here believing in me every day.

Bernie Siegel who taught me to study people who survived, not people who died and to get to the bottom of why I wanted the cancer diagnosis, why I might want to check out.

Course in Miracles, my group in So Cal and especially my group here in Nor Cal. Love to each of you and I'm grateful every day for you.

My support group of friends and family. They just keep sending love.

My Future (and yours) continued

Oh, right, I was talking about the economy. Here's the scoops, folks. Following the crash of the mortgage (and credit industries), there is 800+ billion in unsecured credit card debt, much of which is going to come down on our heads. When a bank forecloses on a subprime mortgage, the bank get's back say 70% of it's value by reselling the house, when a credit card goes down, there's usually nothing to repo, got that? In addition, boats, cars and home equity loans are going down, in addition, the price of oil is going to just keep climbing increasing the costs of everything, literally. On top of that we've blown what's probably going to amount to a couple trillion chasing after the last drops of oil already in Iraq. That's all debt as well. How do you think that's going to get paid off? This will lead to all sorts of chaos. When people can't feed their kids or get them seen by a doctor here in 'Merica (thank you, George) they're going to get pissed off. Then what's going to happen? It looks grim to me. Glad to hear if someone sees this all differently.

Anyway, what we're up to is ensuring that we can eat regardless of what comes down and that we have an area that we can defend if need be from people who have gone berserk, if necessary.

Bottom line, is I am planning for a long and healthy life, but am also prepared if things go the other way for me. More on that coming up.

My Future

Now there's a topic for introspection. First they were going to carve up my neck on one side, remove 75 or so lymph nodes, cut my carotid artery in the process ("you have two of them, you only need one"), then poison me with chemo and throw in a bunch of radiation (for general puposes). The results of the surgery 'might be' that my face would be droopy on that side and I might not be able to use that arm anymore. Hey, I'm a public speaker and I spend my free time gardening and building things. So there goes public speaking maybe and I might have to give up the things that I like to do. I asked the young surgeon what he would do in my situation. He said, "I'd probably throw a case of Jack Daniels in the Jeep and head for the mountains". I appreciated his honesty.

So here I am 19 months later. Bought some land. Having been wiped out financially between the cancer and a divorce just prior, my gf and I are living in our fifth wheel, but planning to start building a house soon.

Frankly, my take on the economy is that we're headed for something akin to the Great Depression. More in a mo'

Ted Kennedy

Senator Kennedy said in 2005 that the Downing Street Minutes proved that the Bush Administration intended to invade Iraq regardless of evidence of WMD's. That was a courageous and patriotic act; highly unpopular at the time. "We never should have gone to war for ideological reasons driven by politics and based on manipulated intelligence. The Downing Street Minutes provide even more proof that this is exactly what happened on Iraq."

Regardless of your 'station in life' a terminal diagnosis affects you the same way. This is one of those things that crosses all socioeconomic boundaries. Ted Kennedy will get the finest medical care on the planet unlike most of the rest of us, but given the state of cancer medicine in the world, the positive effects are generally limited. His probable outcome is much worse than mine, his odds are poor and the timing is much tighter. We are all connected, we are all one. His cancer is my cancer on the emotional spiritual plane, and so is yours.

Fear and Love

Fear says, "I can make you safe."

Love says, "You are safe."

Who said that? I like it. Oh. I found it. It is in Emanuel's Book. Read it. It's great.

Cancer Personality: It's Importance in Healing

The Cancer Personality: Its Importance in Healing

by W. Douglas Brodie, MD.

Evidence of a relationship between cancer and personality type has existed for centuries. Going back in history to the second century AD, Galen, a Greek physician famous for his astute observations of patients and for his accurate descriptions of diseases, noted that women with breast cancer frequently had a tendency to be melancholic.

In dealing with many thousands of cancer patients over the past 28 years, it has been my observation that there are certain personality traits which are rather consistently present in the cancer-susceptible individual. These characteristics are as follows:

1. Being highly conscientious, dutiful, responsible, caring, hard-working, and usually of above average intelligence.

2. Exhibiting a strong tendency toward carrying other people's burdens and toward taking on extra obligations, often “worrying for others.”

3. Having a deep-seated need to make others happy, tending to be “people pleasers.” Having a great need for approval.

4. Often having a history of lack of closeness with one or both parents, sometimes, later in life, resulting in lack of closeness with spouse or others who would normally be close.

5. Harboring long-suppressed toxic emotions, such as anger, resentment and/or hostility. Typically the cancer-susceptible individual internalizes such emotions and has great difficulty expressing them.

6. Reacting adversely to stress, often becoming unable to cope adequately with such stress. Usually experiencing an especially damaging event about 2 years before the onset of detectable cancer. The patient is unable to cope with this traumatic event or series of events, which comes as a “last straw” on top of years of suppressed reactions to stress.
[compare Dr. Hamer’s “Iron Rule of Cancer”]

7. Showing an inability to resolve deep-seated emotional problems and conflicts, usually arising in childhood, often even being unaware of their presence.

Typical of the cancer-susceptible personality, as noted above, is the long-standing tendency to suppress “toxic emotions,” particularly anger. Usually starting in childhood, this individual has held in his/her hostility and other unacceptable emotions. More often than not, this feature of the affected personality has its origins in feelings of rejection by one or both parents. Whether these feelings or rejection are justified or not, it is the perception of rejection that matters, and this results in a lack of closeness with the “rejecting” parent or parents, followed later in life by a similar lack of closeness with spouses and others with whom close relationships would normally develop. Those at higher risk for cancer tend to develop feelings of loneliness as a result of their having been deprived of affection and acceptance earlier in life, even if this is merely their own perception. These people have a tremendous need for approval and acceptance, developing a very high sensitivity to the needs of others while suppressing their own emotional needs.

These good folks become the “caretakers” of the world, showing great compassion and caring for others, and going out of their way to look after the needs of others. They are very reluctant to accept help from others, fearing that it may jeopardize their role as caretakers or that they might appear to have too much self-concern. Throughout their childhood they have typically been taught “not to be selfish,” and they take this to heart as a major lifetime objective. All of this benevolence is highly commendable, of course, in our culture, but must be somehow modified in the case of the cancer patient. A distinction needs to be made here between the “care-giving” and the “care-taking” personality. There is nothing wrong with care-giving, of course, but the problem arises when the susceptible individual derives his/her entire worth, value and identity from his/her role as “caretaker.” If this shift cannot be made, the patient is stuck in this role, and the susceptibility to cancer greatly increases.

As noted above, a consistent feature of those who are susceptible to cancer appears to be that they “suffer in silence,” and bear their burdens without complaint. Burdens of their own as well as the burdens of others weigh heavily, often subconsciously as well as consciously, upon these people because they, through a lifetime of suppression, internalize their problems, cares and conflicts. The carefree extrovert, on the other hand, seems to be far less vulnerable to cancer than the caring introvert described above.

How one reacts to stress appears to be a major factor in the development of cancer. Most cancer patients have experienced a highly stressful event, usually about 2 years prior to the onset of detectable disease. This traumatic event is often beyond the patient's control, such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a business, job, home, or some other major disaster. The typical cancer victim has lost the ability to cope with these extreme events, because his/her coping mechanism lies in his/her ability to control the environment. When this control is lost, the patient has no other way to cope.

Major stress, as we have seen, causes suppression of the immune system, and does so more overwhelmingly in the cancer-susceptible individual than in others. Thus personal tragedies and excessive levels of stress appear to combine with the underlying personality described above to bring on the immune deficiency which allows cancer to thrive.

These observations have given rise to the term psychoneuroimmunology.
[compare articles on psychoneuroimmunology and immune system]

In my experience, one of the most difficult and most important hurdles to overcome in cancer patients is how to make major changes in their life-styles. Not only is it necessary to make changes in the physical aspects of their lives such as eating habits, but major changes need to be made in the way they react to stress. The way they react to stress is due largely to the way they think about life. There can be no lasting changes of behavior without first having a change in thinking and in belief systems. It is often extremely difficult for these patients to make substantial changes in these ingrained patterns of thought. Many find it too difficult or too disagreeable to make such alterations in their settled way of thinking and reacting. Many likewise find it too unpleasant to make changes in the physical aspects of their life-style, even in the face of life-threatening illness.

In my office patients are counseled to address their problems and to make the appropriate adjustments to the best of their ability. A psychologist with extensive experience in dealing with these unique problems is readily available to our patients.

These patients are encouraged to take charge of their own health and to be active participants in their care. They are urged to learn as much as possible about the disease and all of the treatment options, including the various conventional modalities.
© 2001 W. Douglas Brodie, MD, 601 West Moana Lane, Ste. 3, Reno, NV 89509

So, here I start my cancer blog, I’m thinking. Writing that comes automatically to me, through me. Yesterday to Edel for a session. Her message was ‘worthy’. Know that you are ‘worthy’ of healing, worthy of taking the time for yourself. Tina has taken over a good chunk of the work, she’s better at what she’s working on them I am anyway. Yesterday, I cleaned the other trailer up and did some repairs. I just picked up one thing and then the next thing and didn’t get stressed about how much was getting done. How did that happen? That has been so unusual for me in the past.

Eckhart Tolle, Ego, Cancer Supplements

Here is a list of what I am taking. Supplements, by the way, are NOT the answer but can support the body in building the immune system and fighting 'cells gone wild'. The answers are ALL emotional spiritual. Most people have no idea what real integration looks like. Eckhart Tolle describes our 'selves' as a bucket with our name on it. He says (and I paraphrase badly), "If you put all of your experiences in that bucket, all of your ideas about who you are, where you've been, your memories, what you've learned, that is the ego's idea of 'you'. What this all amounts to is is the dash on your tombstone between your birth date and your death date. There is another you that is greater than the sum of the contents of your bucket."

OK supplements...VitalzymX, Kyolic Garlic, Major MultiVitamin Source Naturals Elan Vital, Vitamin C, Primrose Oil, Fish Oil, Red Clover, Eleuthero, Thisylin, AHCC, Vitamin K, Spirulina. Sometimes I get into Apricot Pits for a while (a natural source of laetrile). This amounts to some 50-60 pills/day and it ain't cheap. There is research that supports everything I'm taking. I also think detox is a major part of the equation and eating nothing but organic foods, little meat, little dairy, major exercise program, yoga, meditation and way more that I'll elaborate on in future, should anyone care. I did a spreadsheet of supplements and quantities that I'd share. I compiled research from a number of sources to put that together. I can talk somewhat intelligently about why each is on my list and why others are not. Ralph Moss at cancerdecisions.com is a great source of information about alternatives and also why the cancer 'industry' is the way it is. "Follow the MONEY!"

Over the past 10 years, medical doctor and cancer surgeon Ryke Geerd Somebodyorother studied 20,000 Cancer patients and found that there is always a traumatic stress situation preceding the cancer that directly correlates on an emotional level to the location of the cancer outbreak. The episode is normally described as the single most stressful situation that person ever encountered, one that he/she faced alone for the most part.

I was diagnosed in November of 2006, therefore there should be a traumatically stressful episode preceding that period. The most traumatic episode for me was probably a combination of both my parents dying plus divorce and leaving a place that I lived (Colorado) that I identified with in a strongly positive way. I loved my land there. Felt ripped up by the roots and alone, for sure. Worst thing that’s ever happened to me? Yeah, maybe, but there have been others.

He found that when the emotional conflict was resolved the cancer either healed or went into stasis.

So, OK, admittedly, I hadn’t completely resolved any of that shit by 11/06. By the nature of the process of the bad stuff, I’m still not completely resolved. I’m happier, but still pissed off.

Here’s the source of my anger. I’ve been a wonderfully compassionate and sensitive soul since birth. My theory is that those that are sensitive and compassionate (Buddha, Jesus, Dalai Lama, and people like most of those we hang with) are old souls who are here on this planet to work more closely toward the embodiment of the Christ consciousness on earth and to assist in moving the species toward the same through teaching and example. I think it’s a tough hand to play. In addition, there are fewer in one’s peer group.

I had a bad week a couple of weeks ago, so upped the ante and did a detox diet, got some healing from some local healers. I’m OK now again. The message is that I need to know that I’m worthy of being healed. Maybe that’s arcane? I find myself receiving appreciation from many different sources. I am puzzled by it. I know that I need to breathe that in. The other message is some kind of integration of the cancer diagnosis on a level that’s so deep that it’s hard to describe and being OK with it, not in fear, not even anxiety or worry. I need to get to the point that if it were to mean suffering and death and leaving this place that I love that I would be able to love that too. (I HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO!) Not morbid, just reality. I was telling someone the other day that I am fortunate in a way to be given such clear and strong messages. Slammed to the ground and commanded to choose…now. That old saying ‘evolve or die’.

I went down the hill on the land and sorta found a sorta flattish spot where I’d like to build a little 8’ diameter round meditation deck with a couple of cutouts one for a bowl of water and one for a bowl of fire of some sort. Maybe just a candle. The yin/yang symbol would work great for that with the candle bowl and water bowl where the ‘dots’ are in the symbol. Also perhaps a tiny 10x10 overnight cabin with kerosene lamps and a cot and a window. Anyway, that’s fantasy for off in the future and can’t get in the way of doing my ‘work’ today, huh?

Life is an odd mixture of learning, discovery, but also the physical. Just being and appreciating this crazy life is so important and too frequently superseded by ‘doing’ and ‘having’, but there is art in physically manipulating the environment, recreating Eden, maybe that is re-engaging, undoing the separation from spirit. There’s a theory that allegorically when we were in ‘the garden of eden’ we were unaware of ourselves, that we were just one with Spirit and didn’t know relativity, didn’t know that we as humans were creative, didn’t know that we could choose or that we had free will. Being tossed out of the garden was when that understanding occurred. Then suddenly it was up to us to make choices particularly the choice of being connected or ignoring that connection.

Most of us have spent our lives disconnected. When humans live closer to the earth, they are more in touch with the things made by God, the seasons, the wild critters, plant growth, the great circle of life as the native Americans would describe it. It’s only since the industrial revolution when we left community and became cogs in the industrial machine living away from nature that we have really lost the way and lost the sense of being part of the earth and necessarily part of spirit.

I have been fortunate to have chosen early in my life to go ‘back to the garden’.

A poem I wrote in a dark moment

The Seeker’s Path

The seeker’s path is a path fraught with danger.

Every step, the mage could fall through the earth into an underworld of deviltry.

Around every boulder could be an enemy, behind every tree the unknown.

Dark energies that would steal his breath from him, steal his pulse.

Frequently, there is great sadness. It is not the path of comfort or happiness or peace. He walks the path alone, always alone.

Is it worth it? Could we just drink cheap beer and watch television instead?

Some could, some do.

I apparently cannot.

Spirit uses me like a rich man uses a whore.

I am not my own, though I try to make decisions and choose the life I want.

When finished with me, Power will toss me aside like a spent shell, like a bent nail pulled crooked and twisted from the world, left to rust and decay.

There is no real path. Sometimes He lights the way for a step or two, never allowing me to see the destination.

I control nothing of importance here.

Could I get a smile here? Could I have some love?

None of this shit really matters, the land, my few possessions.

They will all be taken from me or used against me.

I may be beaten with them.

My blood is what She wants, the marrow of my bones.

I will be a spirit released, flying over the earth like thistle down on the wind.

Can I do that while I yet live?

Is that what She demands of me?

Tell me, for Christ’s sake. At least tell me.

The blackgreen of the forested north slope is frosted with snow caught for a time in the branches.

A somber mood is created by pre-dawn dark snow clouds, flakes of snow, falling like they know where they are going.

“I know the key I am trying to turn is in myself”, Lawrence Durrell, Balthazar.

Introduction

Hi all, Was diagnosed with Stage IV Head and Neck, unknown primary. Given a short time to be on the planet. One of those knock you down and now what kind of things. It's a much longer story that will play itself out over time, but I'm not into spending a lot of time doing history. Suffice it to say that after a thousand or more hours of research I realized that oncologists particularly may not be evil, but they've at least been brainwashed into believing some pretty strange shit. I didn't buy into it ultimately and have taken a very different path. Perhaps it'll kill me, perhaps I'm wrong, but I'd rather be dead than live in the hospital environment. Oh, yeah, I'm smart, like a lot of cancer people. I pretty much know what I'm talking about. I've read a ton of clinical studies and also weeded through the alts and cams where there is as much horseshit as in traditional med. I'm 52, fit, male, in a relationship, living in North California. Full time self employed at home, living on the land in a 5th wheel RV, maybe we can afford to build a house. We're going to start on it at least, but have been wiped out financially and not getting any more debt, so cash only. Step at a time.

I teach a class based on A Course in Miracles and I'm a writer, mostly for trade pubs and I do Internet Marketing.

There. I guess that's a start. We'll see where this goes.