Further

It feels like I have been and am continuing to go through some fairly foundational transformative work. As often happens, it is driven by the body and its dramas. Body still feels like it requires lots of resting.

I am in a state of allowing, not wonder. Wonder would imply surprise. I am not surprised.

Holly, my dog, has been a fixture in many of my dreams. Like I take it for granted that she’s ‘here’ and yet I know she’s visiting me from the other side. I’m grateful for her showing up.

Gangaji talks about being not only willing but delighted if humanity enters a dark age. Sure seems like that’s where it’s going. Almost everyone I know is in complete denial about this. I’d like the world to be more compassionate but shouldn’t need it to be. Work towards it to the extent of my own ability but that starts with understanding me and my place in it and probably my contribution is to share that with others.

2:53 AM, I awake from a dream. Bink and I are going for coffee prior to a work day of logging with him. Another logger who has been relatively successful is sitting at the next table eating a steak and cinnamon roll for breakfast. He has the attitude of success and has earned it in human terms. He has worked hard and played his cards right.

My normal level of wanting to seem ‘as good as him’ arises. I get a little braggy about where I’ve been and what I’ve accomplished. I’m a tad defensive, puffed up.

I awaken from the dream and see this type of ‘not enoughness’ and defensiveness around it in many of my interactions with people. How many times have I told this or that story about my successes or achievements? And had the sense that I’m better than this person or that person. And it’s easy to get kudos or to get approval for this kind of behavior in others because we’re just all wounded, f’ed up egos. Every one of us injured, wounded children really. And I’m talking about the people who are WORKING their stuff. Not even the sick ones like Rove and Cheney and Obama and Geithner. Holy Freaking Shit!

And I have a problem with this system of learning and discovery. I’m in resistance to it. Like THIS is the best method of becoming that the universe could devise? Injure us as children, build a really screwed up bunch of people who turn the lovely globe into a wasteland and reinjure others? WTF! Then I laugh of course, but REALLY!

And I wake up and write this. I have these realizations and I think this is progress! That I’m getting somewhere! Developing some new level of understanding. Like there’s meaning in it. And think if I share it, others might get some understanding from it.

And we are ALL in this same state! Just because this person or that person wants an interaction with me, thinks I have something to offer doesn’t mean I’m doing a better job of awareness than someone else. It’s in part just that they view me through THEIR wounded lens, their filters.






It’s beyond, ‘this is a bizarre planet, hahah!’. It’s mind bogglingly incomprehensible that this is how we function. Those of us who are paying a little bit of attention REVERE those very few who seem to have transcended the slightest level of this ludicrous game. Adya, Gangaji, Jed McKenna.

In addition, many who would be as good or better at this than I are so busy just trying to survive that they don’t have the time and energy to spare for this work. Others think that some kind of magic or ritual, lighting candles in various colors and locations, bowing to the East on full moon Tuesdays, is going to make it at least safe to be here on earth if not create some magical way of entering into truth.

The only way this makes any LOGICAL sense (not that logic necessarily seems to be a motivating force in the universe) is if there IS reincarnation. That this lifetime we work on ‘A’ and next lifetime we work on ‘B’ and so on.

5:10 AM – back to sleep.

Oh. One more thing. It feels like if I just do immaculate self care that I can get the most from this experience as possible. Feels like there’s some value in that.

You are handed asset cards and challenge cards when you come into this life and throughout your life. Then you play the game with the cards you have. They can be changed and that’s part of the work. And it’s a big deal.