The amazing ego thing

I'm wowed by watching the ego in the throes of trying to maintain control. ANY control via ANY mechanism, ANY emotion, ANY judgment, ANY thought or all of the above pinballing from one to the other. And all the heart wants to do is LET FREAKIN GO!

Mostly to move the tumor photo further down the page

I am aware that whether we (any and all of us) have one more day or 30 more years, that THIS day (or moment) is gone forever and has no more reality than a dream. There is a gratitude and sadness in that knowing. We often attempt to avoid the sadness. fill that hole and thereby miss THIS new and unfolding now. Life is an experience of everchangingness. Constantly I surrender the passing moment. Unless I forget, get stuck in trying to grab it. It's gone, now this one is gone as well.

The tumor, 4_07_11

I've been reluctant to post this cuz it's not very attractive and yeah, I still don't really want to be the cancer guy. But, maybe you can help? This is from Pamela's sister and yeah, it's hoodoo, but no one does hoodoo like youdo, so what the heck. Can't hurt right? Using this pic below of the tumor, you can put your index, middle and thumb together in a pen/pointer shape, and send white light out of the finger tips, then move rapidly over the surface of the tumor to break up the energetic congestion. This is an energetic healing ultrasound that can really make a difference! Thanks to Pamela's sister, Michele for this! ♥

Just more resistance

So I try this on. “If a large, oozing, somewhat painful tumor on the side of my neck is what the universe wants for me, then that’s what I want for me too.”

Easy for me to hold that if the universe wants to cure it than I want to cure it too, but the previous statement presents one hell of a challenge for me. “Nothing is ever wrong in my world” Nisargadatta.

It’s the relentless divine continuing to pound away at my belief that what I am IS this body and mind.

Trying to hold that it’s getting better and leaving my body becomes a challenge when I see it getting larger and angrier looking week by week.

I’ve been in major resistance. Everyf*ingthing is just WRONG! Foreclosures, politics, slow people in grocery stores, traffic, weather. And then I see the lilacs in bloom and a little girl in the store who is playing and those things are ‘right’! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh! F*k! Ick!

And all of my resistance is just f*ing suffering and all I have to do is allow my f*ing heart to f*ing break again. LET the sadness happen. ALLOW the fact that I don’t f*ing know shit! That I CAN’T DO THIS SHIT! I can’t hold this. I don’t know how. It’s beyond my abilities. I don’t have the courage. I don’t have the strength. It’s too much to expect of me. You can put all of the “I’s” and “me’s” in quotes if that helps. It’s totally clear and right to me that the ego/mind thing CAN’T deal with this. That surrender is the constant and that “I” can’t do that either.

Jumping off the cliff in total surrender

The information was clear. Not like I didn’t revisit it constantly for months. ‘Are you sure?!!!!” It didn’t say “Follow the instructions and you’ll be ok, you’ll be taken care of.” Just “Sell the land, get in the RV and drive away from your life.” No hint of a warranty like, “Your satisfaction guaranteed or double your money (or your life) back.” As I acted on the instructions all these zillions of tiny little pieces began falling into place to make it happen. The land sold without even advertising it. The old RV sold before I was sure I was going to sell it. Someone called the same day and wanted to buy my truck. Miraculously my disability went through in 2 months instead of the usual 6-12 months, facilitated by a Social Security employee who when I called back to thank her was just gone. No one in the office could tell me who she was.

When I got in the RV the first time and drove away, I didn't know if I was gonna hit the right or left turn signal when I got to I 5. I figured it was just as likely that I would die alone in a rest area as live for another 6 months. I was taking action that was obviously 'indicated' without any thought for the possible consequences.

I'm still learning to do this. It’s not like there’s some achievement that you can bank on later. Awareness, consciousness has no shelf life. Just because I was 'tuned in' to the divine yesterday doesn't mean that I’m going to feel connected to it today, though it does get easier with cumulative experience (I think). Wanting to be connected doesn't make it happen. It actually blocks it because I’m interpreting the lack as something being ‘wrong’ with what currently exists. All I can do is peel away the layers of filtering between myself and the little quiet voice. Peel away layers of fear and egoic attachment and suddenly I peel back the last layer not even knowing it is the last layer and then like the last layer of an onion, there's just nothing. Nothing. And I’m home. At least for awhile. Until I discover the next dragon, fear, layer. And I start again with no goal, no guarantee of any kind. And each time it feels like it might kill me. It’s not some small controllable process with a known outcome. It’s jumping off the cliff in total surrender.

So Yeah, Yesterday sucked

Got some alone time sitting in the dark in the rain and wind. Physical pain and lots of emotional angst. Just what I needed actually. Sit in the experience, push all the buttons, see what comes up. What's left. Really like I ordered it up.

Today there's some left over resistance, but much lighter and so I listen, see what's indicated in this now.

OK. I don't know how to do this.

I don't know how to have this cancer thing, this ugly growth on my neck oozing nasty goo. I didn't get any training in it. Yes, I DO have a beautiful life and i DO know how lucky I am to have so much love in my life.

Shoot. I don't even want to post this, but I'd be holding back if I didn't. It's not that I'm afraid to admit that I don't know how to play this role. I mean, duh, everybody knows that already. And it's easy for me to admit that sometimes I'm afraid. Everybody knows that too. It's admitting that sometimes I'm really sad. I don't want anyone to freak out and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I really am good with it all but I also ride the roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I deny the emotions for awhile and then they come through in a flood when it gets to the point that i can't dam them up anymore with the usual distractions.

I really appreciate all of the love and support. People I don't even KNOW are sending me lovely wishes and prayers and offers of help. I'm really grateful. I get the love coming my way. I'm not a big phone guy and I DO spend a lot of time alone and kinda prefer it. I don't need a thing really. I'm pretty self sufficient and intend to stay that way.

So thanks so much. No worries, mates. There's a plan. It's a good one. I have no idea what it is other than continuing to be aware of what's happening, how I feel about it, do the best I can to polish the lens through which I view the world, be as present as I can as much as I can and be grateful for all of it.